We used to have neighbors who obsessed about everything: car, house, and yard. They were both the envy of the neighborhood and the subject of much backyard gossip. It bears mentioning that they were both retired, so they had tons of time to tend to these things. We all stood by and watched as our houses turned to crap and theirs looked like Better Homes and Gardens. They put us all to shame.

Obsession is really putting it mildly. I’ve witnessed the wife getting down on her hands and knees to scrub their sidewalks clean. No kidding. The husband, Hank, installed Astroturf in their garage, swear to God. He also vacuumed out his car trunk monthly, though it’s doubtful there was anything to suck up. Really. Above all, they kept an immaculate lawn. Mowed that thing every Monday morning at 8AM sharp and fertilized all the time. Remember the drought of 1999? You wouldn’t know it over at Hank’s place. We considered calling the cops because he was clearly violating the water restrictions.

Here’s what it looked like the last time I took a picture of it (for an article I’m writing about living in suburbia):

Recently, after some nudnicks moved into the neighborhood, the couple realized they’d had enough. Too much noise and oil-leaking cars in the driveway for their tastes, they up and moved. That was in the spring.

Nice new, normal neighbors moved into the house and the first thing that stopped getting love and attention was the lawn. Here’s what it looks like today, after not having gotten the "Hank Treatment" all summer.

We have a secret kinship with these new neighbors, as now "Hank’s lawn" looks like absolute hell, much like ours — worse, actually. I think if Hank and his wife came driving around the ‘ol hood, they’d die a little. I’m sure the first thing he’d do is grab a water hose. Crying, screaming, and spinning in a circle, the lawn would get a great soaking.

One thing these before-and-after shots illustrate is what can happen when you over-fertilize your lawn and then suddenly stop. My friend Jason Slipp is my go-to guy for all things environmental. He knows everything about organic foods, natural-fiber clothing, biodeisel fuel and how the earth is going to hell in a handbasket. I went straight to him to find out why this lawn is deader than dead.

He explained:

Humans have been fertilizing their soils since the beginning of the agricultural revolution (probably without knowing it at first) with manure (human and non-human) and organic waste (plant/animal). This "waste" re-supplies the soil with much needed nutrients (nitrogen/phosphorus, potassium), and is important if we want to grow food.

Then came the "green" revolution when scientists realized they could manufacture synthetic fertilizers based on cheap oil and natural gas (all synthetic fertilizers are based mainly on natural gas – which essentially makes ammonia. Umm, isn’t is great that we are eating ammonia?). So for 50 plus years, to increase their yields, farmers have been spraying, injecting, and genetically modifying crops using synthetic fertilizers. Fertilizers have also gone commercial, and people are now hiring companies like ChemLawn to douse their lawns with synthetic fertilizers. These fertilizers make your grass green because they are giving the soil exactly what it wants, more nutrients (nitrogen/phosphorus, potassium). However, they are also changing the biological makeup of the soil and most likely poisoning ground water.

We are now seeing massive soil degradation, and many of the essential nutrients are not being replaced (essentially, soil is becoming over-used). So more fertilizers are required to uphold crop yields – it is a vicious circle. The same thing is happening to Hank’s grass. Basically, that lawn either needs to be heavily fertilized and/or watered. The lawn probably became dependent on the injection of nutrients from being fertilized over the last few years, and now it is suffering – basically, it is going through withdrawal and dying. We have also had little rain fall, so that doesn’t help, but I guarantee, even without rain, if the lawn was fertilized it would look exactly the same as it did last year.

The reality is, it is a lawn. And, I would rather see our dwindling natural gas and oil supplies be used for something else besides keeping a lawn green. Not to mention how environmentally damaging lawn mowers are (use fossil fuels for manufacturing and running and are very polluting). Enjoy your green grass in the spring, then watch it die in the summer (hey, less yard work!).

I’m anxious to see if the neighbors’ lawn ever comes back to life on its own, or if they decide it needs fertilization. The way it looks now, I wouldn’t be surprised if they discovered one huge dirt pile after the last winter thaw. Maybe they can Astroturf it.

Stumble it!