In that order.
Last week I thought I’d run to the grocery store, order a fresh-made pizza and pick up a few items while I waited. The woman who took my pizza order said “Sure. It’ll be ten minutes.” I left and did some shopping, came back ten minutes later, and found another employee just starting to make my pizza… S-L-O-W-L-Y.
Fully-loaded with groceries, I had nothing else to do but stand there and wait while the guy finally put my pie in the oven. I decided to bide my time by reading all the little recipe cards by the international cheese section. Did you know there are over a dozen types of brie cheese? But only two can be called “true Brie?” I moved about the cheese area and ventured over to the olive bar to stare at the ten types they had available, all swimming in their olivy juices. They all looked disgusting to me. I then made my way over to the sausage and questionable meats section. I wondered if anyone ever checks the expiration dates on these things. Is that really sausage? Does anyone ever buy this stuff?
Bored out of my mind, I went back to my pizza moving through the exposed oven on a conveyor belt and counted down the seconds until it made its way to the end. The guy finally put it in a box and handed it to me with outstretched hands. “Gimme, gimme, gimme already!”
I couldn’t have been more excited to get through checkout with my pizza and other items. When I got in my car and drove away I thought “Oh, this pizza’s gonna taste just gr….” Oh, wait. Where’s the pizza? I’m officially brain dead and now I have to park my car again, walk back up the the cashier and reclaim my pie. “Um. Hi. I forgot this,” I say. “Yeah, we were about to eat it, it smells so good.” I try to avoid eye-contact, as I’m sure the cashier and customers can’t believe anyone would forget they bought something the size of an end table.
My husband Dave and I aren’t big drinkers, but he did just discover a great new beer he likes called Magic Hat 9 and he keeps a few in the fridge for an end of day treat.
The other day, Dave asked if I’d grab him one out of the fridge. I obliged and thought I’d be super nice and pop the cap for him. Because I don’t drink beer at all, I didn’t even know if we had a bottle opener in the house. Searching through the silverware drawer, I came upon the only thing I thought would work: a manual can opener.
I yelled to the other room “Can I open it with this can opener?” Dave said “Yeah, that’ll work.” What I did next made him wonder if he married the stupidest woman on the planet. He wondered why things were taking so long. I had a lot of trouble opening the bottle. See, that big hook on the bottom works. That little indentation at the top does not work at all, no matter how hard you try. Even if you work up a sweat.
There’s only one piece of equipment that makes you look older than your age and that is an eyeglass chain you wear around your neck so you always have your glasses handy. I’ve known only one person in my life who did this and I thought she must have been 100 years old: Mrs. Weinhoffer, my sixth grade teacher. She was the quintessential schoolmarm, if ever there was one. Her eyeglass chain was silver and antique-looking. I have associated old with eyeglass chains ever since. Having avoided the old people eyeglass accessories display case at my pharmacy for months, I realized I had to break down and buy one today.
I’m so tired of taking my glasses on and off when I want to read the newspaper, and then put them back on when I want to see something on TV or anything more than six inches in front of my face. I don’t know how bad I’m going to look, but I do know I’ll look older than dirt. Up next, a scooter, a hearing aid and a box of Depends.
God help me.Stumble it!