Excuse Me, but That’s Not a Table
embarrassing April 22nd, 2008
Every few months, I go to my doctor to get an injection that must be administered at a ventrogluteal site. What’s a ventrogluteal site, you ask?
My big ‘ol smiling butt, that’s what.
I’ve gotten quite used to getting injections this way. It’s not painful at all, and subjects me to only a mild amount of embarrassment. Pants down. Inject. Band-aid. Pants up. Done.
Not the last time I went.
This time, I got Nurse Rached who was either in a terrible hurry to get me over with, or never got the instructions for making her patients feel comfortable in a vulnerable position, or both.
I got myself in position, leaning at roughly a 60 degree angle against the examination table. Pants down. Cheek in position. Knee bent. Ready.
I could hear Nurse Rached prepare the various paraphernalia necessary to give the injection.
Typically, the nurse will toss out the syringe plastic wrap, cotton ball and Band-aid behind her on a counter. Nurse Rached apparently felt it was too time-consuming to turn around and lay the items down behind her.
So she piled everything up in a heap on my butt. Yep, there I stood. Me and my ass table.
Plastic wrap. Check. Needle cap. Check. Syringe!!! Check. Used cotton ball. Check. Band-aid wrapper. Check. Got anything else you wanna throw on there? Your coffee cup? A phone, stapler and tape dispenser and you’ve got yourself an office.
Needless to say, I was mortified. Um, you almost done back there?
Listen, I don’t go around leaving garbage on her butt, so I’d really appreciate not getting her again for my next injection. Besides, I hope to lose 20 pounds by my next visit, so it’s possible there won’t be enough room for disposables.
Lady, check the nurse manual. I’m pretty sure it says exposed butts are embarrassing enough.
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Stumble it!
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:15 pm
I’m glad she didn’t bring a cup of coffee and a donut!
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Holy crap (no pun intended) that was funny! And bizarre too. It all just seems so… so… wrong.
Someday I may get up the nerve to discuss my first prostate exam. No – scratch that… it’ll never happen.
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Gosh I hate the doctor. When my mom took me to get the ((painful)) no-cancer shots, at least my nurses were nice and said things like ‘Don’t tense up or it will hurt more’
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:49 pm
I’m surprised she didn’t set her laptop up there and starting using it.
Libertine’s last blog post..Do It Yourself Paternity Tests
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:56 pm
OK I promise no wise cracks. Oops there was one.
I would make my feelings known to the D.o.N. unless she is the D.o.N., in which case I would tell the Doctor…anonymously of course.
I am sure she was just being efficient but there is not that much time savings in the effort. What you should have done right after the injection is to flinch and make the trash fall to the floor.
Rattln Along’s last blog post..Team sponsorships to avoid
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:10 pm
good job she wasn’t drinking coffee at the time..that would have left a mark…:)))
robert bourne’s last blog post..My Eighteen Wheels of Life
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Did she at least squirt you with lemon fresh Pledge and shine you up?
Sorry mate. *snicker*
Jenny’s last blog post..Red Means Stop, Y’all
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Bravo. Bravo. You’re so brave for posting this humiliating moment. I can’t believe she did that to you! Why did she think that was okay to do?
StephanieC’s last blog post..my brows
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Hey Kathy,
I was wonderin’ how you write so well…now, I know…
Steriods.
rock on,
aitch
Harris Bloom’s last blog post..This Is What I’m Up Against…
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Oh my! injections are bad enough. Exposed posteriors even worse! An exposed posterior being used as a storage shelf is just……ha ha ha!….oh sorry… eh-hem (composes herself)… It’s just contemptuous. ;O)
babs (beetle)’s last blog post..Just another day.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:59 pm
next time, before you go, write a message on your butt that says “please do not litter”..violaters will be prosecuted.
Natural Woman’s last blog post..Does Giving Make You Richer?
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:34 pm
ass table….you are hysterical!
windyridge’s last blog post..Are We in Florida?
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Oh God, that was so wrong, so so wrong, and yet I can’t help smiling …
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:55 pm
I have tears…LOL.
“I hope to lose 20 pounds by my next visit, so it’s possible there won’t be enough room for disposables.” lmao…..
It’s funny but so not right! You should really tell her, I mean..c’mon. (still laughing)
As for a “ventrogluteal site” that does sound a lot better than “ass” or “butt”. But I’m curious…are there other ventrogluteal sites?
DrowseyMonkey’s last blog post..I Hate Talbot Smith
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:57 am
Sooo funny! I loved “ass table” – the problem is trying to work it into a converstation.
And I’d really say something to her also – damned rude.
Alice’s last blog post..Spackling the Bathroom
April 23rd, 2008 at 4:15 am
FerdC — Yeah, because I would have taken her donut.
Jeff — It was bizarre. Still shaking my head over it. Thanks for sparing us your prostate story. Although, prostate exam = hysterical, so we’re really missing out.
Regan — They’re right. If you tense up, it’s worse. Ask me how I know.
Libertine — Now there’s a visual. To make it worse, she’d wind up asking me for tech support. That would happen to me.
Rattln Along — I’m tempted to do the flinch technique, but I’d be afraid I’d get her again. I don’t want to make needle-holding Nurse Rached angry.
robert bourne — Oh, yeah. Then I could file a lawsuit and have this story make the papers. My sister’s always worried something in the Junk Drawer will make the papers.
Jenny — Funny you! These visuals are killing me.
StephanieC — I think it’s safe to say I have few limits.
Harris Bloom — Too funny. Hmmm, maybe that’s why my butt got so big?
babs (beetle) — I know! I’m feeling sorry for myself all over again. Still can’t believe she did it.
Natural Woman — Brilliant!
windyridge — It is what it is.
Jaffer — I do it for you. Where else you gonna find this stuff?
DrowseyMonkey — So wrong is right. I couldn’t believe it when more and more stuff got piled on. But what could I do? My understanding is that there are ventrogluteal and dorsogluteal sites. The latter being a position in the uppermost quadrant of the butt, whereas the ventrogluteal is lower. Maybe my RN sister can explain better. Ann, care to take a stab at it?
Alice — Yeah, ass table needs a story behind it. Not a phrase you hear every day, is it?
April 23rd, 2008 at 5:29 am
I’m glad I came in AFTER the defination of ventrogluteal site. Now, I DO have dorsogluteal site that might fit a q-tip…but luckily, my ventrogluteal site is flat. It’s really spread out horizontally but flat. So, this could never happen to me. Unless they put that stuff IN the crack…I think there’s enough room in there…
Lori’s last blog post..Hey
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:14 am
HA! Oh, boy. This could only happen to you, Kathy. And not because your butt is like a table; just because you’re Kathy, and these things happen to you. Why else is there a Junk Drawer? You’ve got so much stuff to put it in.
JD at I Do Things’s last blog post..I Am Famous (and More!) so you don’t have to be
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:58 am
1) If I move my butt cheeks and make it appear my arse is talking, am I a Ventroloquist? (No, but I can charge $5 at the door!)
2) Favorite line (like many above): Yep, there I stood. Me and my ass table.
3) Gives new meaning to “Junk in da trunk.”
4) Next time tie a carpenters apron on backwards and have the pockets already stocked for her.
5) Be very glad you get to sit in your car during an oil change.
BigNerd’s last blog post..MediaMax To Change Name
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:08 am
Oh Kathy, this is priceless!
darla’s last blog post..Let The Painting Begin!
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:58 am
This image is going to be seared into my mind for the next 24 hours.
Bruce’s last blog post..My – POV
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Wow, I hope you complained. Admit it though: the whole time you were thinking, “I am so blogging this!”
Memarie Lane’s last blog post..Starbucks!
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I once broke a disposable speculum.
Guess how.
Shieldmaiden96’s last blog post..I feel all Jane Austen-y!
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Being a nurse myself, I find this very humorous!!!! You poor thing….some people just crack me up!!! Why would she do that???? The big question is…did it hurt?
KFJ’s last blog post..’80’s Fix Wednesdays
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:56 pm
5.a) I just noticed that by moving the comma in your Post Title you’d be having the following conversation:
“Excuse me but(t), that’s not a table.”
BigNerd’s last blog post..MediaMax To Change Name
April 23rd, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Lori — Glad you got past your carpel tunnel to comment today. Thanks for the ever-so-detailed description of your butt. I’m sorry to tell you, people can still store things there.
JD at I Do Things — I know! Why, though? Do people see me and think “Let’s try something bizarre on her today!” If nothing else, it makes great blog fodder.
BigNerd — You kill me. Your comments are always a scream! Ventroloquist? Carpenter apron? Junk in da trunk! Thank you for putting such effort into your comments. Always make me laugh.
darla — Thanks. I’m sure it won’t be long before something like this happens to me again. p.s. I love your avatar!
Bruce — What? Not for the rest of your life? I could email you periodically to remind you.
Memarie Lane — I didn’t complain, but you’re right that I left the office thinking of a post immediately.
Shieldmaiden96 — I choked on water when i read your comment. It was worth it. Please, if you’re blogging about these things, provide a link. If you didn’t, write something woman!
KFJ — All I know is she appeared harried and unfriendly. Usually, I don’t care, as the procedure is so fast, I’m out in 2 minutes. But she’ll be getting the stink eye from me from now on.
BigNerd — So funny you mentioned that. The same thing occurred to me later in the day. We are of like minds. That should scare you.
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:52 pm
I think you need to get a “Do Not Litter” sign tattooed on your butt before your next visit…
Maureen’s last blog post..Set The Wayback Machine to 1971 Sherman
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:56 pm
OMG I’ve never heard of such a thing!! What is wrong with her?? I hope you never have to see that stupid woman again. Eek!
Co-Ree-Nuh’s last blog post..Bye Bye iPhone
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:37 pm
I wonder what it’s like when this nurse goes shopping for furniture? I bet it’s horrifying.
kev’s last blog post..These Insane Gas Prices are Killing my Joy
April 24th, 2008 at 8:17 am
That’s wrong on so many levels….mainly the low one. I’ve noticed they do this to my chest at the dentists office. Also the ‘assistant’ like to use my shoulder as her personal resting place for her elbow. grrrr, get out of personal space AND my mouth.
Carla’s last blog post..Question of the day
April 24th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Thanks for that Kathy — hilarious! m.
April 24th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Hi there! Great blog and a great post!
Firas’s last blog post..Quantifying Medicine – A Tricky Road
April 24th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Maureen — A sign, a tatoo… I need something, don’t I?
Co-Ree-Nuh — I’ve never been seen it before either and I think I’ve decided on the flinch technique if it happens again.
kev — Got that right. How fast can they rush her out the door?
Carla — Yes! Yes! That’s happened to me. I know my chest is convenient, but I AM NOT A TABLE!
Mark — So glad you liked it!
Firas — Thanks, I appreciate that. Visit again, will ya?
April 24th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Hey, count your blessings. Compared to what happened to me the last time I was in that position in the doctor’s office, you had it made!
I’m glad I wasn’t drinking anything when I read this. I hate blowing stuff out of my nose! :0)
April 25th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Quite the tail… I mean tale
I am guessing this nurse shouldn’t be taking care of small children. She might stack diaper changing supplies on the little dearie’s face!
April 25th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Lee — Oh, boy. I’m guessing your experience was a little more invasive and probably a lot more embarrassing. I’ll consider myself lucky.
Tim — If she needed the room, I wouldn’t put it past her!
April 27th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Being genetically predisposed to Shelf Butt Syndrome, I can understand a little.
I can’t allow my Shelf Butt to just go running around as an imposturous Ass Table. Thankfully, my friend tells me honestly how my butt looks in potential garments. While trying on a dress, I exaggerated a dance move to help inform her sensibilities. To which she replied “Eww. Stop that. Next time I’m using it for my coffee!”
But my friend didn’t actually PUT anything ON me. So sorry.
(And the dress is not a keeper).
April 27th, 2008 at 6:16 am
Amy — Ah, yes. The ‘ol Shelf Butt. You have a good friend to tell you when Shelf Butt is not camouflaged enough. At least you weren’t actually used as storage. Count your blessings.
April 27th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
The best part about the speculum thing was that the nurse practitioner said in a completely deadpan voice,”If you keep
breaking our sh*t we’re not going to let you back here.”
I never wrote about that, but I did write about this:
http://northernoutpostpa.blogspot.com/2005/09/leaving-well-enough-alone.html
Shieldmaiden96’s last blog post..I feel all Jane Austen-y!
April 27th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Shieldmaiden96 — I’m sorry for your breakage and that you’re probably blacklisted at your doctor’s office. As for your other story, my God. That sounds like the most painful 3 minutes and 26 seconds ever experienced by a person who lived to tell about it. My hat goes off to you.
May 19th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
i would be so embarrassed
May 20th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
brooke — Everybody would! And I was no different! Pretty mortifying stuff.
July 4th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I laughed so hard about your “ass table.” Hilarious!
Lisa’s last blog post..Happy 4th of July Freebies!
July 4th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Lisa — I can laugh about it now. Then, not so much!
September 13th, 2008 at 12:58 am
My wife is a nurse and for the love of God I LMAO! I will have to pass this one on to her ASAP. Thanks for the comic relief and I hope my sweetheart doesn’t ever do this.
September 13th, 2008 at 5:01 am
Larry Benson — Glad you got a kick out of it. I still worry about it happening again every time I go in for a shot. No tables since, thankfully!
September 21st, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Ha. Its crazy how casual doctors can become after doing the same things over and over. Sometimes I feel they can get too casual.
My doc tried to make jokes.
I’d prefer if they’d be a bit more.. cold with the whole experience. Just makes it less awkward.
September 23rd, 2008 at 7:05 pm
A Doctor Excuse Man — That’s funny. I’d actually hate for my doctor to make jokes. I just want to get in and get out, you know? Like you, I want it to be all business. Is that too much to ask?
December 7th, 2008 at 12:41 am
Ratchet?
December 7th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Didumeen — Nope. I meant Nurse Rached from the movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, played by Louise Fletcher.
November 1st, 2009 at 10:10 am
[...] Ignore that nurse and keep your butt covered. Unless you’re Kathy. [...]