A Mean Jeans-Shopping Machine
Stuff I hate August 10th, 2008
Shopping for jeans is not for sissies. I spent one and a half hours yesterday trying on thirty pairs of jeans to find one that fit. Yes, thir-TEE!
If jeans shopping were an Olympic event, I’d have won a gold medal.
I beat everyone into the dressing rooms, was able to ignore a screaming child in the store for more than 30 minutes and scored an extra 15% off my purchases because I made a pouty face for not having a coupon. I also lost two pounds by the time I was done trying them on. I was a one-woman Dream Team.
Some facts about jeans shopping:
FACT 1. Jeans advertised as “instantly slimming” are not slimming if your legs are shaped like tree trunks. Nothing can be done about tree trunks. There is no magical pair of pants out there to turn hulking logs into toothpicks. Believe me, I looked.
FACT 2. There are more women over size 10 than under size 10 in the world. Please stack folded jeans top down from largest to smallest, instead of the other way around, so I don’t have to crawl around on the floor looking for my size. My size has a hard time standing up from a squat, sweaty, exhausted position.
FACT 3. Also not for my size? Low rise jeans. Normally, I prefer covering my entire crotch. Thanks.
FACT 4. Jeans are heavy when you’re carrying ten of them at a time. Please provide wheel barrows.
FACT 5. Five-way mirrors are cruel and unusual punishment. I wanted to cry at every angle. I prefer to think if I can’t see my ass, no one else can.
FACT 6. That is not me in the picture.
If you’re the type of woman who can grab a single-digit-sized pair of jeans from the rack and have them fit perfectly, please refrain from telling me so. I might have to hurt you. And I could snap you like a twig.
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August 10th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Oh. But I’m 12! Will I be snapped in half if I tell you I’m a 1/2 jean at Aeropostale?
*cowers in corner* Please do not snap me in half, for I also have a magazine that has an article in it on buying jeans that make you look good, and you can borrow it, and keep it if you wish…
August 10th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Oh, funny. And I am reading this while stuffing hot dogs into my face.
Fact 2: YES! PLEASE! The last thing we generously proportioned women need is to be squatting and sweating more than is necessary. Don’t make us feel even worse by making us crawl on the floor.
Oh, how I wish I could have a wheelbarrow while shopping for jeans!
JD’s last blog post..I Had a Colonoscopy so you don’t have to
August 10th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Were you in the shop watching when I tried my last six dozen pairs on? Ha ha ha!
I hate shopping for jeans now. They just don’t make them like they used to. The sizing is all wrong now days ;O)
Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Who’s a Happy Bunny?
August 10th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
There are some posts a man should just not comment on. This is one of them. I get in enough trouble if my wife asks me how she looks in something. There is NO RIGHT ANSWER. I’m going back to my cave now.
Chris Casey’s last blog post..New Lamps on the Garage…ZAPPPP!
August 10th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Hilarious if it wasn’t so sad. Buying jeans ranks only second to buying a bathing suit for me. And I haven’t worn a single size since I started wearing jeans, which was when I was 18 and weighting 123…Clearly things are a bit fishy! Well, and back then we wore something called Dittos…hahahhaha!
kellypea’s last blog post..You, Too, Can Organize and Decorate with Teens
August 10th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
lol … until I hit #6 I thought that was you. I’ve given up on jeans … unless they have an elastic waist band.
DrowseyMonkey’s last blog post..Dream Analysis
August 10th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
My extra baggage gives me a lot of trouble when choosing pants. I prefer wearing jeans because I’m a casual type of guy and I feel comfy in them.
But less of them jeans today are more made for the rough looking average guy than they are made for the gino !
They’re tight on the thighs and holy cow they get even tighter at man-land.
So over the past few years I’ve come to prefer the Wrangler brand over the rest because of the fit – and boy do they last !
Thank you for sharing this Kathy
Jaffer’s last blog post..Recuperating an old Laptop – Part 2
August 10th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
I feel your pain, but I did laugh!! I also believe that mirrors are EVIL and pretend all the time that no one else can see my ass (although really? how could they miss it? I’m not urban camouflage)
chatblanc’s last blog post..And the winner is. . .
August 10th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
I have the solution. Well, it’s the solution for me. I can’t fit into those skinny leg jeans and I don’t like low rise jeans (I hate having to tug them back into place all the time).
My problem is that I have long legs. I’m not extraordinarily tall — 5′-8″ — but I need a 34 inseam. Do you know that most jeans made for women have a 30 inseam? If I wanted jeans above my ankles, I’d buy those. Oh, there are tall jeans. The makers of the tall jeans think if you have long legs, you must also have a long measurement from crotch to waist. I don’t. And while I don’t like low rise, I also don’t like jeans pulled up around my armpits.
So. My solution is to just shop in the mens’ section. I can usually find a pair that fits properly, and I can always find a pair with a 34 inch inseam.
Jeans are supposed to be comfortable!
August 10th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
I am a very tiny person and I so agree w/ you…the small sizes are near the ceiling!!! What are they thinking????
Very funny post…an in the spirit of the theme..a well deserved gold medal to you!
all the best…
amy lilley’s last blog post..Swirly Weeds & Mixed Media, Part Deux
August 10th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Regan — Well, you get a pass because you’re 12. And you’re my niece. Anyone else, though? Watch out. Oh, and even following all the jeans-shopping rules, I’m having problems. Not much I can do about it except lose weight. Make me walk a lot in Canada, will ya?
JD — Hot dogs are how I got like this. Be careful! The crawling on the floor problem was made worse because I was wearing jeans that were actually too big for me. When I squatted down, the crotch was halfway to my knees. I was quite the sight and hoped no one was watching. God.
Babs — Yes, what kills me is that they make infinitely more styles of jeans than they did years ago, and yet I still have difficulty. I’m thrilled to have found a pair that’s comfortable and looks half-decent. But I’m so disgusted by the size I had to buy. Kathy wanna cry.
Chris Casey — Smart, smart man. I think this makes the 6th post in which I discuss my butt. Stay away from all of them and you’ll be fine.
kellypea — Ugh. The bathing suit. Haven’t done that for a decade. Seriously. Not going there. I think the last time I was in single digits was 15 years ago. It’s possible I can achieve that again, but it would probably involve surgery.
DrowseyMonkey — Believe me, I toyed with the idea of elastic waistbands. I do like the ones with only partial elasticity (on the sides). That way, they still look like regular jeans. Couldn’t find any yesterday.
Jaffer — Thank you for chiming in with a man’s perspective. I guess I always assume men have it easier. In a way, I’m glad you don’t. Yet I completely feel your pain. Half the jeans I pulled off the rack wouldn’t go over my legs. The thigh structure is so critical to fit. If that’s good, the rest sometimes follows. Ugh. I’m glad it’s over. Now all I have to do is lose weight and get to a smaller size. Let’s walk everywhere in Toronto, OK?
chatblanc — urban camouflage Oh, to dream. I always wish I could go about my business in public not being seen. At least at this weight. Sigh.
MaryLou — You know, I’ve tried on my husband’s jeans just to see the difference. I really ought to check out the men’s section once and see if I get lucky. I’m like you, not proportional. So it’s like I have to find a freak pair that won’t fit most women. Luckily, I did, or I’d still be crying. Thank you for your excellent suggestion. I’m sure other women will consider this unorthodox approach and find success.
Amy Lilley — I’m thinking they figure most women want to believe they can fit in a size 4. And seeing them up top, they temporarily feel happy to shop. But then the bitter truth comes out and we wind up crawling on the floor looking for the double-digits.
August 10th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Holy cow, you drove all the way to Toronto to go jeans shopping? Man, if I had known that I would have saved you the trip across the border. There’s an outlet mall not 30 minutes from my house. Cheaper and a lot better selection.
August 10th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
LOL- Don’t you hate it when you gravitate towards a pair of cute jeans shown in size 4, then when you hold up the 10’s they’re horrid? I’ve heard.
sue’s last blog post..The Lifeguard
August 10th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
I’m sure you look great! You ARE great!
Anyway, what I really wanted to say is that Kathy, you are a winner!
Check The Best Parts to see what you have won!
Ferd’s last blog post..Roxy Rocks!
August 10th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
I own ONE pair of jeans. They are the first pair I bought in more than 10 years. I made a friend who is 10 years my junior go with me to help. It took about 5 pairs to try on and the help of the sweetest dressing room guy to pick them out for me. He obviously was a little slow, but super super nice. Not slow as in speed. If it weren’t for him I would not have the great pair of jeans I now own today. He was so funny and new exactly what to get me based on listening into my conversation with my friend. So well, I feel your pain and I bet you have some great ass looking jeans now.
Lauren’s last blog post..Don’t Speak Spanish To Me!
August 10th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
3 words. Riders Stretch Denim. They are comfy, stretchy and form fitting. They cover your butt without ending at your armpits, and they come in measured lengths. I think I got mine at Pennys. It’s like a combination of jeans and a spanx.
Shadowsrider’s last blog post..Celtic Thunder
August 10th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
ugh! i hate jeans shopping!!! i most certainly feel much fatter than i could possibly be once i’m done. anyway, i’m proud of you for getting out there.
and i love this post so much that i’m going to add it as my featured post tomorrow. LOVE your blog!!!
Kelly’s last blog post..Your Lasagna Looks A Little Dry
August 10th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
I feel your pain. I can never find pants to fit me either because I’m such an odd size. I even wrote this post called “I’d rather have my teeth cleaned.” I think that says it all.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:49 am
I used to be so skinny back when I was, oh, 20. But, I swear, my jean size has risen in this past year *alone about 4 sizes! What’s up with that???
Luxor’s Mom’s last blog post..Mancat and Sister Monday
August 11th, 2008 at 1:57 am
I’m sorry regan but your comment made me want to scream, because there are girls my age that are probably your size. I’m not one of them.
I like practically everyone else hate jeans shopping. I have found luck though on occasion at Kohl’s. The worst part for me though is that when my weight changes and I wear my “skinny” jeans my jean style preferances have changed! I guess I just can’t make up my jeans, I mean mind.
sarah’s last blog post..Packing Problems
August 11th, 2008 at 2:29 am
You’ve managed to sum up the reasons why I hang on to jeans until they’re threadbare.
Once you find a pair you like – you should immediately buy 5 of them.
Alice’s last blog post..Honey Pie Weekend Update
August 11th, 2008 at 3:02 am
How bout the fact that they make men’s jeans in different sizes for length and waist, but women get petite, average and long. I have freakishly long legs and if I don’t get longs, it looks like I am prepared for a monsoon!
Kelley’s last blog post..The wheels on the bus…
August 11th, 2008 at 4:17 am
I understand the backlash on the Soccer Mom high waisted jeans. I get that — we don’t need them up under our rib cages anymore. But these hipster/low rise things. I can barely do a plie (back completely erect) without showing some crack.
I have three kids, I’m picking one of them up daily. A little coverage please.
And like Kelley, I too have long legs. Not that long (5 ft 8.5 in) and almost EVERY pair of pants I have are too short. GAHHHH! It’s the bane of my existence. If I were 5 foot 10 I could completely understand it. But come on, I’m not an Amazon.
HATE, HATE, HATE shopping for jeans.
cardiogirl’s last blog post..The book of questions, Volume VI
August 11th, 2008 at 4:38 am
Lee — Well I did go shopping for Toronto. I need to look a little presentable. What I really want is a button you can press that scans your body when you enter the store, then a beeper goes off right next to the jeans that will fit you perfectly. Is that too much to ask?
sue — Um. I wish I were holding up only a 10. Try a little higher and you’ll know my pain.
Ferd — Aw, shucks. You’re always making me feel better about myself. Can you be my therapist? Thank you for my awards. What a nice way to start my week!
Lauren — I think everyone has their favorite pair of jeans. I do, too, but I cannot fit in them anymore. You’re very lucky (and very fit?) to still be wearing jeans from ten years ago. I tip my hat to you. I really could have used an assistant in the dressing room. Although doing it myself gave me quite a workout.
Shadowsrider — I know exactly which ones you’re talking about. But I can’t do the “stretch, form fitting” kind because of the shape of my butt. Those create a shelf. Shelf not good. Shelf make Kathy cry.
Kelly — When I get in the car after I’m done, I’m usually on the verge of tears, having held it in while shopping. The memory of how I look is burned into my brain and I’m typically not right for the rest of the day. But thanks for featuring this post. That’s a plus!
Jeff — Oh, I remember that post! Blown out jeans! Incidentally, JC Penneys is where I found my jeans. I thought of going to Kohls, but I find they either have a great selection or a really crappy one. They’re really inconsistent. Anyway, we need another support group now.
Luxor’s Mom — Ah, the 20’s. Everything was easy then. You hear that, people in your 20’s? Just wait.
sarah — I like to think that not every skinny girl now will remain so as they age. The odds are against them. Somehow that knowledge helps me cope. Agreed on Kohls. Sometimes I have luck there, but I didn’t the last time I went, so JC Penney won out this time.
Alice — I bought three. Every single one they had in my size. Tried them on twice, just to make sure. The agony.
Kelley — I feel for you. I sometimes need petite, but then you have to worry that they’ll shrink on the first washing and then you’ll have floods. So I usually go for average and HOPE they shrink. It’s such a pain!
August 11th, 2008 at 5:49 am
Reminds me of the time I tried on a pair of Long and Lean jeans at the Gap. I told the sales guy that they didn’t make me look long or lean. He said – yeah, I think you need to start out that way.
Neena’s last blog post..Today at I Love A Good Sale
August 11th, 2008 at 6:23 am
My daughters (ages 26 & 23 with the younger being the mother of 2 kids) both wear size ones and can’t find pants to fit them so don’t feel bad.
I have to jean shop but I’m waiting till I’ve hit a plateau in this weightloss binge I’m on. hehe
Lori’s last blog post..Happy Birthday Panda Bear!
August 11th, 2008 at 6:27 am
I am very picky when shopping for jeans. All I want is a pair with the 5 pockets, no tears or rips and that fit right. I usually buy several pairs at a time when I find some I like because they are not always easy to find.
August 11th, 2008 at 6:53 am
I don’t know who that is in the photo but…more please.
Bucky’s last blog post..West Virginia State Fair 2008 Photos
August 11th, 2008 at 7:39 am
This was a great post!!! I loved it. Thanks for the laugh on a topic that usually brings me anything but!
Toni’s last blog post..May I help you with your golf bags?
August 11th, 2008 at 8:30 am
I always get ’stretch’ jeans now – for the comfort factor. They only have about 2 to 3% elastine but it makes all the difference. What’s this ‘comfort factor’? We didn’t need it in our 20’s
Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Who’s a Happy Bunny?
August 11th, 2008 at 9:04 am
I hate to laugh at your pain, but I did. lol That’s funny. Actually, believe it or not, the one place I can always find a decent pair of jeans that fits is Old Navy. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that their sizes run bigger, so if you normally wear a size 12, you can easily get away with a size 10.
lala’s last blog post..Murals and Sidewalk Art—#4
August 11th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Hilarious! I hate clothes shopping, PERIOD. Screaming babies and pushy women do NOT make my day!
The Fitness Diva’s last blog post..2008 Olympics Opening Ceremony
August 11th, 2008 at 10:28 am
This makes me very glad that I do not know how to wear pants.
Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..A Time of Sadness
August 11th, 2008 at 10:33 am
OH I can so relate. Shopping for jeans usually leaves me in tears and glaring at twig-resembling 16-year olds who give me that “Oh my God I hope I never get that fat” look on their way past the dressing rooms.
Kiss my butt, chicks. you will. You will.
Lisa’s last blog post..The bad pauser
August 11th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Oh, jeans are the absolute worst. I haven’t bought any new ones for a couple years now because I am hoping to get back into the jeans I USED to fit in…
Because I am delusional.
Jenn’s last blog post..“Well, hello, Mr. Fancypants!” and Other Things Not To Say to B-Movie Celebrities
August 11th, 2008 at 11:17 am
I’m still looking for jeans in my size that aren’t styled like the ones the wee girls wear. No, this size 26 can doesn’t have a tramp stamp on it (I’d probably have to pay extra) so don’t give me a pair of pants that show off that shimmering expanse of back. Because my granny panties stick out.
I’m too sexy for this post; so sexy it hurts.
Shieldmaiden96’s last blog post..Country Piccata
August 11th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
I can’t be the ONLY one on the planet that thinks it has to be against the law somewhere for women of a ‘certain’ size (and we know who we are) to be allowed to wear low rise jeans.
Any way you look at it, and I do NOT like to look at it, a size 12+ butt does not fit into low ride jeans. Dunlap and all that.
God, I hate clothes shopping……..
Kristy’s last blog post..Etsy Artist Profile: Beadstylin http://beadstylin.etsy.com
August 11th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Great blog, I fee your pain in a…”I don’t have to go through that myself, but I have three sisters, a mother and girlfriend”…sort of way. Oh and the automated blog reader was both creepy and awesome at the same time, I love that thing.
Acorn King’s last blog post..Suck On A Baguette France!
August 11th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I’m an elastic waist fat jeans girl all the way. They are really very comfortable, and I don’t tuck shirts in, anyway!
Nancy’s last blog post..West Point
August 11th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I’m an elastic waist fat jeans girl all the way. They are really very comfortable.
Nancy’s last blog post..West Point
August 11th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I’m a man, which means no matter what I say, I’m wrong, but dumb enough to keep trying.
Here goes: You look great in those jeans. Unless you think you don’t, then I agree, the designer should be drawn and quartered.
How was that?
Joe’s last blog post..The Skanky Leg Update and Awards
August 11th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
I HATE low rise jeans. Made by the devil himself. I am a naturally high waist-ed (haha) size 10 girl, and finding good jeans is harder than finding a f’ing four leaf clover!!
August 11th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
As a single digit sized woman I can tell you buying jeans is NO easier for us. I also detest low rise and high rise jeans.
Hey designers, just make regular jeans okay? All the fancy schmancy stuff just makes us hate shopping for them and it also makes in 100 times more difficult to find suitable ones. Thanks!
DirtyLaundryDiva’s last blog post..I guess it is a WTF morning!
August 11th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
ROFL!! I LOVE fact No. 6. It’s not me, either, sadly, but I hate her, whoever she is.
I have found one or two jeans manufacturers that fit my shape. Gap jeans fit me, and thank heavens, now I’ve lost some weight I can actually buy them. And wear them. Yay!! Cotton Traders (which I actually typed ‘Bottom Traders’ for some reason .. ) also fit me, plus they’re cheap and comfortable and they last well.
Why should I look at any others? I don’t want fancy, I want fit and wear. *Sigh*
Jay’s last blog post..Conversations with a husband – No. 10
August 11th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Neena — Jeans manufacturers lie. They need to be brought down. The tags ought to read “Fits well enough.”
Lori — That actually makes me feel better. I was going to say maybe jeans only wear well on men, but I know that’s not true. They only wear well on models with freak bodies no one has. I stopped waiting to lose any weight. Good for you!
Karen — It sounds like such a simple request, but it’s not! Who’s buying all the jeans that fit?!? (I bought three of the pair I mostly liked. Every single one in my size.)
Bucky — I hate her and she doesn’t even have a head to hate.
Toni — If we can’t laugh about it, we’re doomed. Doomed I tell ya.
Babs beetle — Stretch jeans are very iffy for me. Usually they have to stretch really far and it’s not a flattering look for me (Remember, shelf butt.)
lala — That’s OK, you can laugh. I feel I’m in good company here. I only tried Old Navy once and couldn’t find anything. I probably didn’t give it enough of a chance and left in frustration.
The Fitness Diva — I wish I could order them online! I’ve heard of a place that custom makes jeans based on your measurements, but that they don’t fit right either because they don’t have extra material where you need it. I’m stuck with shopping in stores. Crap.
Daisy the Curly Cat — You’re very lucky you don’t do pants. Stick to your pretty pink dresses. So much easier!
Lisa — That’s what keeps me sane. Knowing the skinnies will likely be in my shoes in 20 years. I mean, I don’t wish it on them, but the fact is, they’ll be struggling just like us some day.
Jenn — The 8 pair I have in a drawer from 10 years ago remind me I’m delusional, too. I can’t give them up because there’s always hope.
Shieldmaiden96 — Oh, I hear ya sister. I can’t even remember when I was a “wee girl.” Maybe 10 years old? It sickens me.
Kristy — It’s not even the LOOK of them. It’s all the pulling up you’d be doing. If you’re not a size 2, you’re going to be yanking them up all damn day. It’s like the opposite of a wedgie and as uncomfortable.
Acorn King — Your pain is duly noted. You must hear it from all directions. I love the reader too! Creepy!
Nancy — I started first looking for the elastic waistbands, with just a little on each side of the hip. But couldn’t find any. I’m not ready for 100% elastic. Can’t do it!
Joe — You do understand that picture isn’t me, right? Maybe you’re imagining me in my big girl jeans and I still look OK? You’re a good man, Charlie Brown.
Athena — Low rise are indeed made by the devil. Do they realize exactly how much flab would ooze over the top if I wore those? It would be an assault on everyone who saw me. I’m not that cruel.
DirtyLaundryDiva — That makes me feel better, actually. I mean, I’m sorry you have trouble, too. But it’s good to know everyone is equally frustrated. Bless you.
Jay — A friend recommended Gap, and I haven’t tried them lately. But I’d still have to try on 100 of them to find the right one. Never heard of Cotton Traders. Thank you for the tip! I’m not into fancy either. I go for comfort any day of the week.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
When it comes to men commenting on how something looks on a woman, i think that the best answer to be used always is amazing.
Josh’s last blog post..Microphones and Voice Amplification
August 11th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Your post was totally cathartic for me! I hate digging for my size under all the twos and fours, so much so that I angerly bunch the teeny sizes up in balls. (I’m very neat by nature, so that is saying a lot.) I marvel at the lowness of most low rise styles. Something’s not right when my index finger is longer than the zipper.
Vivienne’s last blog post..John Edwards Joins Lying Bastard Brigade with Rielle Hunter Affair
August 11th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
-silence-
all that running and all those pushups actually helped me out in the jeans department!!!
KFJ’s last blog post..Countdown ’til School!!!
August 11th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
You’re a brave woman, that’s all I’ve got to say!
zip n tizzy’s last blog post..They Came from Beyond
August 11th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Fun and funny post, Kathy!
Jeans ARE so complicated! Remember those days where we lay down on the bed and hiked up the zipper with a coat-hanger? Now I’m lucky if I can get up off the bed without nodding off. I prefer the jeans that rest on the hip rather than pulling in at the waist and giving that balloon effect at the hips. On the other hand, plumber’s crack is not nice on a lady of any age and finding underwear to accompany that waist-level is next to impossible. I don’t do thongs. How about you?
Kat
Poetikat’s last blog post..Thomasina – Why I love cats…and Scotland
August 11th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Kathy
1)Create and market your own line of denim.
2)Boldly label the back pocket “Not a Shelf!”
3)Proudly wear to all doctor appointments.
Make money and a fashion statement!
August 11th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Kathy gay men have to go through the same thing. We have to be size 32 waist….mine have not fit for a while now
Alan’s last blog post..Have you seen Davey Dance yet?
August 11th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
1) You’ve really started something now.
2) Thanks for allowing Jaffer to share that he wears Wranglers allowing for more room in his “man-land”.
3) Favorite line: Normally, I prefer covering my entire crotch. Thanks.
4) I typically stay WAY-away from these types of subjects.
5) My personal retribution line is: “Snap your neck like a chicken bone.”
Geakz’s last blog post..Managing To-Do Lists With Notepad++
August 11th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Josh — Ah, you were taught well!
Vivienne — And guess what? There are always tons of 4’s and 6’s sitting neatly on the top. Why? Because nobody’s grabbing them, except for all the ones you’re bunching up. Oh, that’s precious. I got real smart, real quick, with the low rise ones. I would look at them on the hanger and ask my crotch, “Crotch? Do you think that’ll cover you?”
KFJ — Thank you for exercising so hard for the rest of us. You fully deserve to find jeans that fit. Well done, my friend.
zip n tizzy — I try. Someone has to speak up for us chunky monkeys.
Poetikat — I’m lucky I can get off the bed, the couch, a chair, the floor. I get the balloon look if I try fully-elasticized pants of any kind. Balloons are for parties, not for hips. Let’s see… thongs. Um, do we really want to go there? I have never worn a pair, even as a joke. A thong is a permanent wedgie and nothing more.
Geakz Wife — Hey, so Mr. Geakz didn’t let you steal the full 5-point commenting system? What gives? I like how you think. Thankfully, my last visit to the doc did not result in my butt being used as a table. There’s always next time, though.
Alan — I’m glad to know all men have issues. We women often think it’s just us. Maybe we’re just the only ones complaining LOUDLY about it?
Geakz — You gotta be faster than that. Mrs. Geakz beat you to it. So, yeah. Jaffer’s man-land. I notified a few key people to be sure to head over and read all about it. Jaffer doesn’t know how famous he is now. Crotch. Don’t you just love that word? CROTCHITY CROTCH CROTCH!
August 11th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
You One gutzy lady. Glad to hear you were finally successful in your Jean adventure.
Beamer
Beamer’s last blog post..Muted Stained Glass
August 11th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I feel your pain. If they fit the rear, they’re too short. If they’re the right length, they don’t fit the rear. If they fit the rear and are the right length, they’re too expensive!
Musing’s last blog post..Spread the quotes and share the, um, wisdom
August 11th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Yes, jeans are heavy. That’s why God invented strollers. Well, I mean, other then that OTHER reason. Of course, I sometimes worry I might smother my child. As long as she keeps whining for more cheerios, I know she’s OK!
Jennifer’s last blog post..Mommy of the Year – Exhibit D
August 11th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Rest assured I have never fit into any single-digit size jeans.
Maybe the day I was born, but even then I’m not sure.
I might have been retaining water that day.
Janna’s last blog post..Apparently the lizards also know how to use e-mail
August 12th, 2008 at 8:22 am
It could have been worse, you could have been swimsuit shopping. That experience makes me want to cry
LindaF’s last blog post..Domo arigato, Mr. Mailboxo
August 12th, 2008 at 8:43 am
This is why I shop for shoes. Doesn’t matter how much I weigh or what size I wear, shoes are the same. I have more shoes in my closet than jeans.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:44 am
I think I love you.
If you can convince them to put our sizes on top I will nominate you for president in 1012.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah’s last blog post..Another Rant About Air Travel
August 12th, 2008 at 9:03 am
I was expecting you in the #6 fact but that is also wrong. I don’t care about them a lot and just always put a flexible one and that’s it.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:58 am
LOL. This just made my day. While I have worked back into the single digits, I remember my non-single digit days very well. I feel your pain.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Oh and I’m a big butt girl. Even at a size 8 I can’t wear low rise jeans.
Yeah.
No.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Sorry.
Read it again and…Five-way mirrors are cruel and unusual punishment. I wanted to cry at every angle. I prefer to think if I can’t see my ass, no one else can.…Made
me chuckle…lol.
JJ’s last blog post..There are Men You Date and There are Men You Marry
August 12th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
It still befuddles me, when the change from ‘work attire’ used to haul garbage and plow fields became a fashion statement that can make you look sexy and have long legs with a perfect but. I still cling to my old school ways…….”honey, I am going to mow the lawn, have you seen my baggy work jeans anywhere….the ones with the oil stains on them???”.
Bruce’s last blog post..My – MP3 [Paul McCartney]
August 12th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I hate looking for jeans. Men’s jeans do have more options for length, but rarely does a store stock the right ones for my shape. There is some sort of conspiracy where if you have a size 30 waist you must have freakishly long legs. I always have to hem everything all the time. Or convince my wife to do it! At least they don’t come in lowrise, I prefer to say no to my crack being visible.
So basically, I think all clothes are made for scrawny tall teenagers. The rest of us are out of luck. And overweight men can’t even go to the fat store, because we don’t have one.
Tim’s last blog post..The Ultimate Redneck Bar and Grill Beer Gift Basket
August 12th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Ok, just to bring out the man’s prospective, my husband was recently complaining when he had to buy new jeans. Seems he no longer fit in the jeans he wore in college. Instead of the 32 he wore then (in the 70’s) he now wore a 34.
I wanted to kill him.
shadowsrider’s last blog post..Virtual reality, I protest!
August 12th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
You are so right about #5! Those mirrors in dressing rooms are horrible.
My theory: If you look half-way decent in an outfit from one of those mirrors then you’ll look KILLER away from it!
Secola’s last blog post..Music to My Ears
August 12th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Beamer — It got as good as it was going to get, given my size. At least they fit and I can BREATHE.
Musing — That’s my problem! Too big of a rear, and then I have length to contend with. Honestly, if I could find THE perfect pair, I’d pay a fortune and buy 10 of them.
Jennifer — Oh, that’s funny! “Mom! I can’t breathe!” But really, isn’t having a good pair of jeans worth the suffocation? Is that your little sweetie on your latest post? Smart girl… knows she likes cake already!
Janna — You know, I might not have even fit well in jeans on the day I was born. Are you ready? I weighed 10lbs., 8oz. My poor mother.
LindaF — I don’t even do that because that would assume I’d be swimming in public, and we all know you’d have to put a gun to my head for that.
Patti — Smart lady! Maybe I need to shoe-shop while I jeans shop so at least I feel good about one size of something!
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah — I’d get half of all votes! All the women over size 10!
Glyconutrients — I’m #6 in my dreams.
JJ — Thank you. I accept your sympathies. I don’t know that I’ll see single-digits again. I’d kill to see 10 again. I don’t ask for much. I think you have to actually be 8 to wear size 8 low rise!
Bruce — Yea! What’s up with that? And there are so many shapes and fits and styles now. I think it all started with Sasoon jeans for women. Before that, it was one kind of Lee’s or Levi’s and no trauma. Ugh.
Tim — I feel your pain. I have never, and will never, take jeans to a tailor to fix length. As for the ones I bought, I’m now washing them in hot water because they could stand to shrink down a bit. But that’ll do nothing for the length. I’m stuck with what I got. At least the fit is fine. Here’s wishing you a good shopping experience next time. I’m rooting for you.
shadowsrider — I’m sorry, but I want to kill your husband, too.
Secola — I love how you think. I’m going with your theory. If anyone tells me different, they’ll get a mouthful of chicklets for teeth.
August 12th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Kathy:
Once again you prove to be the funniest lady I know.That is, the funniest person I know in a computer sort of way.
At first glance, I thought you were going to say that the lady in the picture with the low rise jeans was you. Wow! I was ready to immediately upgrade my computer to an even bigger screen. I’m talking cinemascope here!
You know, I heard on the news last night that they have a new material now days that makes light go around it. Yeah, the military loves it. Just think, if you had a pair of jeans made from that special material, no one would ever have to see you – fully covered crotch or not!
Keep those post coming.
Happy trails.
Swubird’s last blog post..THE MAN IN THE PARK
August 12th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
I feel your jeans pain! That is probably the worst thing to go shopping for. I hate that when it comes to jeans, you can’t even depend on the same brand and size to fit.
Do guys even have a jeans equivalent? They can just put on anything and go.
Stephanie C.’s last blog post..what i’ve been reading
August 12th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
WHAT? You mean they can see my ass? Oh, heavens, I’ll have to Mapquest a way around my daily routine where my back is to a wall at all times. I don’t do jeans shopping. I’d sooner volunteer for a root canal. I do however have two pairs, bought online and they fit fine. No shirt tucking in, either.
Elle’s last blog post..Guess Who…
August 12th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Swubird — You have no idea what a high compliment that is coming from you. I’m blushing! Now, if you think I really looked like that, wouldn’t I plaster myself all over this blog? There’d be no words on it because all you’d see is my rockin’ hard body on your gigantic monitor. Silly you. I want that military thing. Stop toying with me.
StephanieC — If I lose weight, at least now I know what brand to get. Out of all those I tried on, Alfred Dunner was the best. But how much you wanna bet they’ll stop making them when I can get down to a size 10? Would be my luck. Guys have it easy. ‘Cept for Jaffer and his man-land stuff.
Elle — Yes! I want to walk up against walls all the time. People would only get full frontal Kathy. Clothed, but still. You bought jeans online? What are you? A superhero?
August 13th, 2008 at 8:55 am
I feel your pain. I hate jean shopping for myself. No one makes a pair of jeans that will fit me past the 3rd washing. Something weird happens at that point. And for the life of me I can’t even figure out what the problem is. It’s like I’m a size no one has yet to make. I have figured out that I need a 13.142 in order to be able to wear a pair of jeans past the third washing. And I’m in my 20’s with 4 children.
I love your idea of being scanned upon entering a store with a light blinking next to the pair that will actually fit proper!
MomTo4KidsNy’s last blog post..Improvements
August 13th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I’m with Alan. Although I’m a heterosexual male and yet, we as men, homosexual or straight, still have problems with jeans too. Glad he was able to get the male perspective…except we’re more likely to just try on one or two pair, instead of 33.
unfinishedperson’s last blog post..Just call me the King of the Self-Imposed Panic Attacks
August 13th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
dont worry im a size 11 and the best jeans are pacsun
August 14th, 2008 at 4:07 am
MomTo4KidsNy — “It’s like I’m a size no one has yet to make.” I hear you. This is me, too. I’m two sizes larger below the waist than above. Plus, I’m 5′4″, so I’m almost petite height, which makes for such problems when I shop for slacks. I do feel your pain. Seriously, we need that button!!
unfinishedperson — See, that’s where guys seem to have the secret. You don’t try on a million pairs! Why is that? I don’t get it. It either means the jeans are cut better than women’s, or you’re all shaped alike. Either way, it’s not fair and I’m making a pouty face. I mean, I’m happy for you, but still, I want a 10 minute shopping experience, not an hour and a half. Maybe you should just come with me next time. Can that be arranged?
brooke — Pacsun makes “super skinny” jeans, don’t they? That does not compute.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:21 am
im also a 11 in aeropostle and kohls and jcpennys
August 14th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
For some reason I started thinking about that episode of the Simpsons where Homer gets disability for being fat – and was going to suggest a Mau Mau.
But then I started thinking about the subsequent post and was thinking that the solution to your problem is jogging pants – they are comfy, have a draw string, allow you to eat what you want and never change size, and…. and…. well there are no other advantages.
I have to say that I gave up on jeans about the same time as I could no longer fit into the same t-shirts I wore when I was 14 – but hey! maybe I’m saying more about me that you.
And no I am not suggesting you at fat, have a wegiht problem, etc, etc, etc etc…. and no I am not suggesting you are getting old, should conform to stereotypes….
I knew that comment about Homer Simpsons was a bad idea – byut if she will claim to get sweaty and out of breath from bending down what can she expect?
If you have Next in the USofA then shop there – the sizes are apparently labelled a size smaller than they actually are – or so I am told.
tfa’s last blog post..Hurrah
August 14th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
[...] in tight jeans with curves in the right places and some cushion… like the woman in the photo here. [...]
August 14th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
brooke — Please stop now. You’re going to make me cry.
tfa — I love that episode! Wasn’t he in a lawn chair in his front yard protesting or something? I do have the stretchy pants, but do not wear them in public. Although I intend to wear them for the long drive to Toronto on Saturday. A girl’s gotta breathe, you know? It was NOT a bad idea. You know you can say anything to me and I won’t get mad, except “Can I have the last donut?”
August 14th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Could we go shopping together? At least that way I’ll laugh instead of cry. The jeans search is so damn depressing!!!
Ann’s last blog post..Coca-Cola Is Making Me Cry!
August 14th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
why
August 15th, 2008 at 5:50 am
Ann — Oh, you don’t want to go with me. Clearly, I’m bad luck and you wouldn’t find anything. Although, we’d wind up crying together, so maybe it wouldn’t be half bad. Misery loves company.
brooke — Because I haven’t been a girl’s size 11 in … well … EVER.
August 24th, 2008 at 10:19 am
What a fitting post to read!
I scheduled to buy jeans tomorrow. (a historic feat for me since I – pearshaped, big butted, jeanswaist always loose, thighs never squeeze in — never find anything that fit! So I never do it.)
This post is an inspiration
But then again, I envy you need a wheelbarrow.
I’m lucky to get even one pair to try on.
Kat’s last blog post..Mother Fonking
August 24th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Very funny post. Alsthough one and a half hours to find an acceptable pair of jeans is laudable, I do not think it would garner an Olympic medal. :->
Les’s last blog post..Custom Jeans For $135?! Well, Sort of…
August 25th, 2008 at 9:23 am
[...] them as self-serving, promotional tools. 1.) They clearly infringe upon my patent-pending “5-point Commenting System“ found at [...]
August 30th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Kat — pearshaped, big butted, jeanswaist always loose, thighs never squeeze in — never find anything that fit! You have described me to a “T”!!! I feel your pain. If you find something good, will you PLEEEEZE post back and let me know what brand you bought? I’m not 100% thrilled with the ones I bought.
Les — After I was done, I wanted someone to award me something! I checked out your custom jeans link. I would seriously consider ordering a pair for $135 if I knew they would look great on me. It’d be a worthwhile investment. Did you consider it yourself?
October 23rd, 2008 at 6:34 am
Hehe-good post. Your’e right, jeans shopping aint for the faint hearted!
October 23rd, 2008 at 6:11 pm
cropped jeans — No kidding. And I haven’t done it since. I’m on another diet, so perhaps the next time I shop, I can fit into a single digit-sized pair and not cry so hard.
March 24th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
i lovet his so much!
April 27th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I have the same problem. I’m 6′6″ – 240 lbs. I wear a size 38×34. Very tough to find jeans that fit. Or any type of clothes for that matter. I really feel for ya – because, in a way, I go through the same thing.
Jeans 501
April 30th, 2009 at 5:59 am
mark — Holy moly, Batman! I don’t imagine they have a whole section of jeans dedicated to your size. I feel for you. I’ve been thinking of doing a post about all the jeans I have that don’t fit. Taking a general estimate, I think it’s about twenty. Even the ones I wear now don’t fit, but i live with it.
May 21st, 2009 at 7:42 pm
I can’t believe that in the past seven months I have been
able to find my size and cut at my local thriftstore. They
are even designer jeans in perfect condition. Since they are only a dollar, no trying on is involved.
May 22nd, 2009 at 6:16 am
misspiggytoes – You’re the luckiest girl on earth! I’ve found some good stuff at thrift stores. I don’t know why I on’t shop there more often. And you’re right. There’s very little stress because if something doesn’t fit or look quite right, you’ve only blown a dollar or two.
May 22nd, 2009 at 11:34 am
Yea; Since I have found this thriftstore that is so much cheaper than other ones, I have found myself saying, “I will never pay five dollars for jeans again!”
August 30th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Five dollar thrift stores? For jeans? Where are you girls shopping? I am here in Cedar Falls (not exactly NYC) and our cheapest thrift stores are pricing jeans around $8 or more.
August 31st, 2009 at 5:45 am
The last thing we generously proportioned women need is to be squatting and sweating more than is necessary. Don’t make us feel even worse by making us crawl on the floor.
But i tell you jeans shopping is very tough…
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I never imagined that jean shopping could be that hard. I’ll also never understand how womens sizes work, it’s hard enough for me to remember I wear a 32 in mens.
November 15th, 2009 at 4:48 am
LOL, you are so funny! I say just pick a pair, buy it and walk outta that store. Skinny jeans are the best ever!!!!
Burberry Luxury Watches ´s last blog ..Antarctic Sports Chronograph Mens Watch [BURBERRY BU7662] – $527.00
January 14th, 2010 at 1:59 pm
Yeah, The last thing we generously proportioned women need is to be squatting and sweating more than is necessary.
February 4th, 2010 at 9:35 am
OMG that sounds exactly like me! I usually spend hours when I go shopping for jeans as well. Say, do you watch Oprah? Did you watch the one in which they showed how to pick up a perfect pair of jeans? It sounded quite simple in that show but its sooo not *sigh*