The Junk Drawer

WARNING: This post is not safe for reading while eating. Put your forks and spoons down and proceed with caution. Even if you’re not eating, you still might puke.

I’m about to show you what the Friday What’s That? item is. Lots of you were really close, guessing it was some kind of nest, pod or cocoon, that if poked, would ooze spiders, bugs or other crawly things.

The correct answer is much, much worse.

The object pictured was part of an owl pellet. According to Wikipedia, a pellet is the mass of undigested parts of a bird’s food that some bird species occasionally regurgitate. The contents of a bird’s pellet depend on its diet, but can include the exoskeletons of insects, indigestible plant matter, bones, fur, feathers, bills, claws, and teeth.

Teeth!

Still with me? OK. The woman who took the picture was alerted to its presence by the keen eye of her daughter, who recognized it from a lab she took in grade school. Apparently she sends her daughter to a school whose teachers don’t mind their students blowing their lunch having to dissect these.

Yummy!

You might ask yourself where you can get one of these find specimens to dissect yourself (or not). If you do, you can order a variety from Pellets, Inc. Now don’t rush the site all at once!

I’ve had my fair share of school lab grossouts. In high school, we dissected frogs and I was glad to not be part of the group who discovered that their frog was pregnant at time of death. I remember someone screaming. I don’t know if they continued on with their dissection, but I’m very sure no one ate the rest of the day.

Sorry no one guessed this edition of What’s That? But I promise next time I’ll go back to regular household items that don’t have teeth and hair in them. Promise!

By now you know that my What’s That Wednesday series isn’t always on Wednesday. I don’t know why I keep calling it that. If anyone has a better idea, raise your hand and make a suggestion.

Today we have something very unusual. This picture was taken by my colleague Heather. The only detail that I’ll give about it is that I think it looks like a face. That won’t help you guess what it is, since I’m not inclined to help you in any way. Ha!

How to play:

1. The photo shows a small portion of a larger object.

2. First person to guess the object it’s a part of wins a Junk Drawer magnet and a mystery prize.

Go!

I have a little tip for some of you. If you are irritated that people make guesses well ahead of you, consider following me on Facebook. My new posts automatically appear there when I publish, so if you’re on Facebook more than your blog reader, you’ll see them sooner.

UPDATE: OK, folks! Here’s a hint from Heather: "It is organic material.  It has not been processed by a human in any way.  And it is indeed gross."

So, OK. I’m going to the BlogHer conference in Chicago where I’ll get some good tips on blogging and blog marketing, meet up with bloggers I only know online and see the sights in a city I’ve never been to before.

I’m also going to see my girl JD of I Do Things puke up her lunch because she got accepted to read one of her very best posts in front of a million strangers. Please pray for her.

I knew the conference was Friday and Saturday, July 24th and 25th. I knew I bought a two-day pass that covers admission for both days. I knew I wanted to book a flight the day before the conference so I can get settled, meet up with JD and be well-rested before the start of the conference.

The day before the conference would be Thursday for those keeping count.

When did I book my flight? For Friday morning, of course. Well after the conference is underway.

How much did this mistake cost me? One hundred smackeroos. Frack it all! I booked my flight and hotel through Expedia and they do allow changes at no cost, but the airline charges its own fee for dumbasses like me.

The good news is that the Expedia rep first quoted me a fee of $100, but came back a few minutes later to say it was really $150. Since she misquoted the fee initially, she offered to give me a $50 credit on the extra hotel night I booked.

I believe that’s what you’d call pity for the dumbass.

Oh, and incidentally, JD won’t be the only one puking. This flight will be my first flight going it alone. I’m petrified. I plan on bringing my blankie and teddy bear and I don’t care what that’ll look like.

To recap, you are praying for JD to get through her reading on Friday, July 24th and you are praying for me to get on the plane on the 23rd. You should also get out the rosary beads on the 27th when I fly home. I leave out of O’Hare Airport, where I will get lost as soon as I step foot in the door.

If you don’t see a post from me soon after, it means I’m probably still at the airport, riding a luggage carousel, sucking my thumb and crying like a baby. I want my Mommy!

This isn’t a humor piece, but I’ve been bothered by an event that happened this morning and felt better writing about it.

I wanted to share it with you because it reminds me of the fragility of life as I know it and how one fraction of a second made the difference between me having a normal day and my husband getting a dreaded phone call.

Friday began like every other work day.

Cup of coffee, feed the cats, some blog stuff, shower and jump in my car. The most remarkable thing about my ride to work was that I got an early start. I would soon wish I hadn’t.

Somebody else was heading to work, too. Someone who should have had his eyes on the road instead of his head in the clouds.

I know people get distracted while driving and cause accidents.

I know that 40,000 people die on U.S. roads each year in car crashes.

I know lots of unlucky people before me have found themselves in the path of an errant driver and never lived to tell about it.

But it’s always other people.

Today I was almost one of them.

On a green light, I approached an intersection near work. As I pulled through and made a left turn, I saw a pickup truck to my left. Coming on fast. I’m not a sitting duck. I’m moving, thank God. I know I’m moving, but am I moving fast enough?

I hear his tires screeching. Might not be enough time. I see the grill of his truck. It’s close. Very close. Are we gonna hit? I start to think this is my unlucky day. God? You there? Help me out here.

In a moment that lasted an eternity, I could see the face of this distracted man, who is now no longer distracted.

He looks at me, and I at him. Our eyes are wide. Our mouths agape. I clear his front bumper by mere inches. I scream and lay on the horn. I glance back. I see he landed askew in the middle of the intersection. I quickly check to see if he still had a red light. Was it me who screwed up?

No. His light was redder than red. And he didn’t even see it.

I consider if I had entered the intersection one moment later. A single second later and someone would be calling my "in case of emergency" number.

I wanted to pull over, get out and scream at him. I wanted to let him know that someone almost had to peel me off his truck. I wanted to tell him to pay attention next time. Every time, dammit, because all it takes is one moment of inattentiveness to change someone’s life.

But I didn’t. I drove on. Slow and shaky. Nothing happened. No harm, no foul.

Except it could have so easily been different.

If not for ONE. SPLIT. SECOND.

Though my husband Dave is recovering from very painful shoulder surgery, I consider myself the one who had the real major medical problem of late.

I had a wart. On my forehead. For any woman, a crisis of epic proportions.

After a day of searching The Google for wart remedies, including wearing duct tape on it (not kidding), I came to the conclusion that I really ought to ask a doctor about it before I go making things worse.

So I called my sister Ann. Ann is a nurse. Fact: If you work in the medical profession in any capacity short of the janitor in a hospital, you are the doctor in the family.

I asked her what I should do to get rid of Walter the Wart, who I’d gotten so used to seeing every day that I named him. Yeah? What of it?

She gave me a quick reply: Vitamin E.

Every night before bed, I pricked a capsule of Vitamin E and spread the miracle juice all over Walter and then put a Band-Aid on him. We slept like babies.

The next morning I would remove Walter’s bandage, wash up and go out in the world with a big wart on my face.

To my co-workers, thank you for not wondering aloud why I looked like a Cyclops for two weeks.

Gradually, over about ten days, Walter got smaller and smaller until he disappeared and I returned to looking normal, which isn’t saying much.

So there you go. Vitamin E, the wart remover and scar preventer, brought to you by my non-doctor sister. If you’re absolutely sure you have a wart and not something scary like skin cancer, give it a try.

Footnote: In my research, I learned there are several causes for warts, among them stress. You know what causes stress? A giant wart on your forehead.

The effects of a grueling work week washed away in an instant following this exchange with my husband as I loaded the dishwasher tonight.

I called out to him in another room:

Are there any dishes out there?

No. Just you, Kathy.

He may need his eyes checked, but if he sees a dish then so be it. God bless that man.

A few weeks ago, I glanced out at the back yard and noticed a patch of what looked like weeds. I didn’t think much of it until they started to grow larger like this:

I decided to bring this situation to my husband’s attention and it was only then that I found out he surreptitiously planted sunflowers.

Sunflowers?! How could you?!

I know. I should be glad. Sunflowers are…. well, sunny. And happy. And yellow and bright.

But they scare the crap out of me.

Why?

Because Dave planted them at our old house and at night, in the faint glow of a street light, they looked like PEOPLES!

Big, swaying heads of PEOPLES in the darkness!

So now when these things grow right next to our house, I’ll be jumping out of my skin every time I look out the window.

Would it be bad to call 911 because I think flowers are breaking into my house?

OK, let’s hear it. What irrational fears to you have?

Wow! I gotta tell you guys. Your guesses for the What’s That contest were outstanding! So many good ones, but only one correct answer and only one winner.

The first person to guess the object correctly was Maya, who said it was part of a Brita water filter.

Congratulations, Maya! I’ll be in touch with you shortly about your prizes.

In other Junk Drawer news….

I spent Thursday in a hospital with my husband Dave, who had rotator cuff surgery. Despite an annoying four hour delay, all went very well and he’s coping OK with the pain, thanks to some delightful Percocet.

Commence mini-rant.

There is perhaps no greater annoyance in hospital waiting rooms than a too-loud TV mounted on the ceiling that you can’t turn down or control the channel. That is why I spent most of my waiting time in the cafeteria reading a book in peace and quiet.

After playing nurse and not getting enough sleep last night, I had a doctor’s visit myself this morning. While sitting in the waiting room, I was subjected to the horror that is early morning TV news, complete with inane chatter and all-too-chipper people for eight in the morning.

Is it just me, or wouldn’t people who are probably not feeling well rather just sit quietly waiting for their names to be called? Instead, we had listen to a performance by the Dave Matthews Band outside the news studio. Since when did morning news shows involve screaming loud music before people have had their coffee?!?!

For all the people who hate this sort of thing, I’m pleased to tell you that I risked getting yelled at by the office staff, stomped over to that TV and MUTED IT!

That’s right. I’m a badass. Fear me.

Next up in waiting room annoyance reduction? Throwing my shoes at loud cell-phone talkers.

You’re welcome.

Time for a What’s That? contest!

This is one of those times where I think the object will be either incredibly easy or mind-numbingly hard.

How to play:

1. The photo shows a small portion of a larger object.

2. First person to guess the object it’s a part of wins a Junk Drawer magnet and a bacon-related mystery prize.

Go!

What’s is that?