The Junk Drawer

You know the lady. The one who walks around life talking to herself. Carrying on entire conversations when no one but her is listening.

I never was that lady, but today I am. Officially.

Thrice today I was caught talking to myself.

1. On the way back from a meeting this afternoon, I walked along the street by myself (or so I thought), and to no one in particular I announced that I would really like some malted milk balls. As soon as I said it ALOUD, two joggers came up behind me and passed, no doubt happy that they were running away from said crazy woman.

2. Washing my hands in the ladies room after my meeting, I cursed myself ALOUD that I did not have any hairspray in my purse, complete with hand gestures. I went onto say that I should have popped it in my purse, knowing I would be walking back from the meeting in the wind and rain. I did not know I had company until another woman walked around the corner to find me discussing my hairspray neglect.

3. When I stopped at a grocery store after work, I stood in front of the bread aisle wishing ALOUD that they had my favorite type of bread flats for sandwiches. I said “Why do they never have the 7 Grain kind?! Where is the 7 Grain? God! I turned to leave and found a woman behind me, also looking at the bread, and wearing what must be the quietest shoes ever made. I did NOT hear her coming and she startled me.

Then, of course, I went on to explain that I don’t normally talk to myself like that and that she was the third person who caught me doing it in one day. The woman gave me a pitiful look, the look you give that crazy lady you’re just a little bit afraid of.

For the record, I have three cats, so I’m thisclose to also being the crazy cat lady. And we all know there’s no turning back from that.

I don’t know why I let you guys in my unconscious head. It’s really a mess in there. But here’s a dream I had last night.

I was outside my childhood home and there was a woman I work with standing near me. We observed a big swarm of bees and I panicked. She said “No need to worry. It’s only Bee #4 you have to worry about.”

I was happy that I could identify Bee #4 by its trail of curly smoke following it as it flew straight for my head. I picked up a fly swatter and beat it to pieces, but it was still alive and I freaked.

I woke up thinking there was a bee in the bed and that at any moment I would be stung.

So if you’re ever scared of bees, don’t worry. Just kill #4. And kill him good. He’s a bastard.

The end.

Dear All the Burglars Who Could Have Taken Everything in My House While I Was at Work Because I Left the Garage Door Wide Open and the Inside Door to My House Unlocked,

Thanks for not noticing and stealing everything I own.

Sincerely,

The Dumbass

When I drove home from work yesterday and saw the garage door up*, I figured my husband Dave got home before I did. Until I didn’t see his car inside. Then I thought maybe he did get home, but left to run an errand and forgot to close the door.

Then I thought I’m the idiot in this relationship and realized that when I brought garbage cans in from the curb that morning, I likely forgot to close the door when I left for work.

I’m used to just opening the door, pulling forward and shutting the door. If I diverge from my morning routine, all bets are off. So, yeah, it was me who left it open.

When I came into the unlocked house, I thought “What if burglars harmed my cats? What if they stole the TV? What if they found our safe with everything important in it? What if they’re still here? Why am I walking into a house that I think might contain a burglar?”

I checked for cats and all were accounted for. None of them appeared to have had a particularly weird day, you know, like entertaining robbers as they wiped out everything we own. All of our stuff was still in its place. I breathed a sigh of relief and carried on with my business.

And then I beat myself up for an hour about being a dumbass.

Of course, I’m not the only one in my family that leaves things wide open for thieves. I’ll keep the offender’s name out of it. She knows who she is.

For an entire summer one year, we stayed fit by driving to a large park and walking for an hour around its perimeter. The routine was to meet there, get out, lock all but our car keys in the trunk and head off.

On this one occasion, the unnamed person and I got sidetracked trading things we brought to loan each other and then headed off to walk. When we got back, this is what we found:

1. Her driver’s side door still WIDE OPEN.

2. Her keys on the driver’s seat.

3. Her purse on the passenger seat.

4. Her wallet in the purse.

5. Everything that identifies her, including her home address, in that wallet.

6. A garage door opener to her house.

For an hour, the car sat like this. The first thing we did was scream. The second thing we did was ponder how it was possible no one stole a car with the keys in it. The third thing we did was vow never to tell anyone about this because, you know, it’s colossally stupid.

We drove away in our separate cars, thanking God that no one in the very busy park that day decided to steal the car, take her money, drive to her house, open the garage door and help themselves to everything inside.

Or maybe they thought of it, but considered that being stupid is punishment enough.

* If you’re not scared enough, read here about how bad it is to leave your garage door open.

I love when all of you go off the tracks making wrong guesses for What’s That? items. Lots of you guessed the neck of a stringed instrument, such as a guitar or ukulele. That’s exactly what I wanted you to think. But you were all wrong. Tee-hee!

There is a winner, though. Buried in the comments was a single word answer from a guy named Tux (comment #8). He’s our lucky winner because this is the inside of a toaster!

The picture was taken down the side of the toaster. The two metal bars are the heating elements.

Here is the view from the top, with an arrow pointing to the section photographed above.

Kudos to Tux for figuring this out. But Tux has a problem. He gave a bogus email address in his comment and he doesn’t have a blog, so I can’t contact him to send him the prizes unless he reads this and contacts me. So, Tux. This is your chance to be a proud owner of a Junk Drawer magnet and box of cupcake bandaids.

If I don’t hear from you in the next week or so, I’m going to pick a random winner and they’ll  snatch your prizes right out from under you! Please see my About page for my email address.

Thanks for playing everyone and I hope you all have a pleasant and snow-free weekend!

Good day, peeps! Do you have your thinking caps on? I’ve got a What’s That? item for you.

How to play:

1. The photo shows a small portion of a larger object.

2. First person to guess the object wins a Junk Drawer magnet and a box of cupcake bandaids. (In the absence of bacon bandaids, cupcakes will do just fine).

Go!

What follows is the story of how our bag Windy got stuck in her tree. When I initially wrote it, I sent it to a writer’s workshop blog for publication. But because that blog is now defunct and my link to it doesn’t work, I thought I’d revive the story and publish it here on The Junk Drawer. This is her home anyway.

Note that this was well before we named her Windy. When I interviewed her, she was known simply as “Plastic Bag” and I refer to her as “it.” Sad, I know.

And now I give you ….

Caught Between a Branch and a Hard Place

The lone plastic bag you see pictured here has been stuck in this tree for nearly three weeks. Since it looks like it’ll be a while before it gets down, I thought I’d take a moment and see how it’s faring up there.

Plastic Bag: Awesome. I’ll wait. Until then, keeping watching for me. I just might set myself free. All I need is a wind and a prayer.