open garage door Dear All the Burglars Who Could Have Taken Everything in My House While I Was at Work Because I Left the Garage Door Wide Open and the Inside Door to My House Unlocked,

Thanks for not noticing and stealing everything I own.

Sincerely,

The Dumbass

When I drove home from work yesterday and saw the garage door up*, I figured my husband Dave got home before I did. Until I didn’t see his car inside. Then I thought maybe he did get home, but left to run an errand and forgot to close the door.

Then I thought I’m the idiot in this relationship and realized that when I brought garbage cans in from the curb that morning, I likely forgot to close the door when I left for work.

I’m used to just opening the door, pulling forward and shutting the door. If I diverge from my morning routine, all bets are off. So, yeah, it was me who left it open.

When I came into the unlocked house, I thought “What if burglars harmed my cats? What if they stole the TV? What if they found our safe with everything important in it? What if they’re still here? Why am I walking into a house that I think might contain a burglar?”

I checked for cats and all were accounted for. None of them appeared to have had a particularly weird day, you know, like entertaining robbers as they wiped out everything we own. All of our stuff was still in its place. I breathed a sigh of relief and carried on with my business.

And then I beat myself up for an hour about being a dumbass.

Of course, I’m not the only one in my family that leaves things wide open for thieves. I’ll keep the offender’s name out of it. She knows who she is.

For an entire summer one year, we stayed fit by driving to a large park and walking for an hour around its perimeter. The routine was to meet there, get out, lock all but our car keys in the trunk and head off.

On this one occasion, the unnamed person and I got sidetracked trading things we brought to loan each other and then headed off to walk. When we got back, this is what we found:

1. Her driver’s side door still WIDE OPEN.

2. Her keys on the driver’s seat.

3. Her purse on the passenger seat.

4. Her wallet in the purse.

5. Everything that identifies her, including her home address, in that wallet.

6. A garage door opener to her house.

For an hour, the car sat like this. The first thing we did was scream. The second thing we did was ponder how it was possible no one stole a car with the keys in it. The third thing we did was vow never to tell anyone about this because, you know, it’s colossally stupid.

We drove away in our separate cars, thanking God that no one in the very busy park that day decided to steal the car, take her money, drive to her house, open the garage door and help themselves to everything inside.

Or maybe they thought of it, but considered that being stupid is punishment enough.

* If you’re not scared enough, read here about how bad it is to leave your garage door open.

Stumble it!