A couple days ago on my lunchtime walk, I purposely avoided a man and his dog while crossing the street because the dog was unleashed. My walking partner asked if I was afraid of dogs and I said “Yes, the ones over 30 pounds do.” And this one looked like a 50lb pit bull mix, not the friendliest looking pooch. He said “Yeah, but he’s missing a foot.”

I hadn’t noticed right away, but the dog didn’t have a left hind foot. He could still walk easily and I assumed he could run after me easily, too, and rip my face off.

That night I had a dream wherein one of my cats’ paws fell off. I saw it a few inches from her body, lying on a pillow. She wasn’t in pain or anything. The paw was detached, that’s all.

So I took her to the vet and they gave her a replacement paw.

And what did the vet replace it with? Of course, a bacon-wrapped scallop paw.

And why did I have this dream?

Because of this video I’d watched earlier in the day:

The lesson here is if you’re going to eat your own paw, it should at least be wrapped in bacon, right?

I mentioned my dream to my co-workers and announced that I would like to have a hand that turns into a compact fist of freshly cooked bacon whenever I so desired. We discussed the ramifications of having such a hand.

Yes, having a bacon hand would be a problem unless the bacon functioned as a gripping device, but my bacon hand would not only be able to still function as a hand, but after I ate it, a new bacon hand would be instantly regenerated just like The Terminator. See? I’ve got it all covered.

In addition, my bacon hand would not be greasy when I need to use it as a hand. It would only be deliciously fatty and scrumptious when gnawed upon. I don’t mess around.

Now, what I need to know is what special powers would you like to have? They don’t have to involve food. In fact, one of my very real special powers doesn’t involve food at all. I can mentally cancel meetings that I don’t want to attend. Seriously.

Would you like a bacon hand? Not practical enough? Would you rather beam yourself places you have to go? Maybe clone yourself so you can get all your errands run at once? Turn into one of your pets for a day so you can see how they live?

Let’s have it!

Stumble it!