The Venus Flytrap of Doors
Stupid things I do March 23rd, 2010
I loves me automation.
Automatic drive. Automatic coffee makers. Automatic car washes.
I do not love automatic doors.
At least not the ones who eat you like a Venus flytrap.
Some time ago I had a doctor’s appointment that finished up after the medical building closed for the day. By the time I got to the lobby, the place was deserted.
Not a problem.
I found my way to the exit and headed through the first set of double electronic doors.
They made a nice little swoooosh sound as I stepped through, but as I continued walking, the outer set of doors refused to open.
Oh, geez. They locked up already.
Not a problem.
I’ll just go back in the way I came and find someone to let me out.
Or not.
The first set of doors had locked behind me and now I stood in the belly of the beast. Stuck between two sets of doors that wouldn’t open and no one to set me free.
Think. Think.
OK, there’s a panel here that reads “Emergency Push to Release.”
Yea!
I’ll just push this latch and the doors will open.
Um.
No.
The doors will not open. Instead, I will freak the hell out and become the Incredible Hulk. My suddenly panicked self will gather superhuman strength and take the door clear off its tracks and it will get lodged in a way that renders it completely and utterly BUSTED UP.
I am now trapped and have just ruined a perfectly good door and I can’t run away because the beast ate me and now whoever comes to save me will know exactly who broke the door because I’m inside and I realize at that moment I’m just like that moronic burglar who gets stuck in a chimney trying to rob a house and the firemen and cops have to come and let him out and then have a good laugh over the chucklehead’s predicament.
Yeah, that’s me. In a predicament.
And so I, the newly-ordained chucklehead, waited.
And sweated.
And felt a good cry coming on.
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.
Will they charge me for breaking the door?
Will they even be able to move the door now that it’s broken?
Will I have to sleep here tonight?
I don’t have any food. And nothing to drink! I’m going to die here!
I considered pulling a Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate church scene (1:30), but thought better of it. No sense in making too much noise. But how will they know I’m here?
Why do these things always happen to me?
Just then, a maintenance worker — my savior — walked by and we locked eyes. From the belly, I mouthed the words “I’m sorry” and my ordeal was nearly over.
I can’t quite remember how he unjammed the door and I don’t remember what I said to him as I slinked out of the beast.
I do know that I don’t trust automatic double doors now. And you shouldn’t either. They’re hungry for humans. Just sayin’.
BURRRRRP!
Stumble it!
March 26th, 2010 at 8:01 am
Oh, my gosh, Kathy! You poor thing!
I would’ve broken the door, screamed my head off, and probably chewed off my own arm (I don’t know exactly what that would have accomplished, but who cares). Thank goodness someone saw you and rescued you.
March 26th, 2010 at 9:17 pm
Only you, Kathy. Only you. Glad someone was there to rescue you before too long and that you survived your ordeal unscathed (other than the new phobia).
.-= erin´s last blog ..New Oven =-.
March 28th, 2010 at 11:54 pm
I’d break the doors into pieces if i’m stucked like you did..
.-= Cheap GPS Navigation´s last blog ..Cheap GPS Navigation =-.
March 29th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
It’s like that episode of Friends where Chandler got caught in the ATM vestibule.
Only… was there a handsome male supermodel in there with you?
Probably not. Just one MORE unrealistic thing about Friends. Like their giant New York City apartment.
.-= Jenn of Many Cabbages´s last blog ..The Milk Crate Redemption =-.
March 31st, 2010 at 12:35 pm
Oh my word! These are like the doors at our local hospital. Except they go around and you have to keep moving or it stops and dings at you and says “Please move forward” in this really creepy women’s voice and … oh…I’m having flashbacks….I think I may faint. Please excuse me!
.-= Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings´s last blog ..Sibling rivalry? Yeah, I’d say so. . . =-.
April 3rd, 2010 at 2:37 pm
JD at I Do Things — Ugh. You just reminded me of that poor guy who cut off his lower arm to free himself from a fallen boulder when he was hiking alone. I wonder how often he gets told “Wow, you were really between a rock and a hard place.” He probably wants to punch those people.
erin — Yep, only me. And I would have no idea at the time it would become blog fodder (happened before I blogged). So some good came out of it, yes?
Cheap GPS Navigation — I guarantee half the people stuck in that situation would have done it too. The other half would have cried like babies. I sort of straddled both groups.
Jenn of Many Cabbages — If there had been a handsome male supermodel in there with me , I would not have considered myself stuck. I would have considered myself lucky, but then immediately wondered if I was on Candid Camera.
Lisa at Boondock Ramblings — That disembodied voice would have driven me insane sooner than later, especially if she kept telling me that while I couldn’t get out. No telling what might have happened.
April 23rd, 2010 at 10:15 am
I remember in college the front automatic doors opened really slowly, many a funny time watching people in a hurry run straight into them because they weren’t open enough! haha
.-= Jeff´s last blog ..My Venus Fly Trap Is Flowering. I Think. =-.