Harry_Potter_and_the_Philosopher's_Stone They ask me how it’s possible.

How is it that I’ve missed out on the greatest story ever told this side of the Bible?

How is it that I don’t know Harry Potter?

Part of the reason is that when my sister loaned me the first book in the series, I didn’t make it past the first 25 pages or so.


Because poor Harry was locked in a closet under the steps by mean relatives after his parents were killed. Or something.

That’s as far as I got before I was too sad to continue. Despite encouragement from friends and family to give it another shot – and that I’d be well-rewarded if I did – I never picked it up again.

I also never saw a single Potter movie.

So I missed the multi-bazillion dollar franchise that even newborn babies knew about because their mothers read them the books while they were pregnant.

I do know bits and pieces of the story because you can’t avoid hearing about it unless you’ve been in a coma for 15 years.

So here is the story of Harry Potter, as told by someone who doesn’t know Harry Potter.

Harry’s parents are killed by some mean guy. Voldemort? I think he’s the guy they call “He Who Shall Not Be Named.”

An owl visits Harry at the house of his mean relatives and tells him to go to a train station. If he blasts through a wall at just the right spot, he’ll be transported to Hogwarts, a school for wizards.

Harry is a wizard.

We know this because there’s a lightening bolt tattooed to his forehead. I think it makes him extra special, right?

Harry also wears big round Carol Channing glasses.

He meets a red-headed kid on the train on the way to Hogwarts.

They meet a chick, Hermaine.

Is Harry sweet on her? I do not know.

Everyone at the school wears black graduation gowns and carries wands.

They do wizardy things at the wizard school.

They fly. Do they fly? Yes, I think they fly.

They also morph into animals and other things when the situation warrants. Maybe? I do not know.

mugglesThere are muggles. I don’t know what muggles are, but they sound like furry slippers to me. Are they furry slippers?

Some gigantic, hairy man tells Harry he can avenge his parents’ murder by … by…. I do not know. Killing Voldemort?

How does he do this?

All together now! I do not know!

I’m sure there was some other stuff in between all that. Five, six, seven books’ worth and maybe one million words? I missed a few.

And thus concludes my knowledge of Harry Potter. How’d I do?

Are you mortified I don’t know the story? Is my life incomplete? Do you want to nail me down to a chair and make me read it, at least until I know what a muggle is?

Are there any of you out there who are Harry Potter-ignorant like me?

Stumble it!