Mama Always Said
Childhood, food, literary January 7th, 2012
Today my sister Marlene and her husband treated me to lunch at a place I’ve only ever gone to before for ice cream.
When we pulled up to the place, I asked Marlene if instead of a real meal, I could just have ice cream for lunch.
She shut me down before I could make my case for chocolate chip cookie dough as an entree. “No, not unless you eat something healthy first.”
Poop on you!
I said “Yeah, that’s like Mom always said when I wanted junk food. Remember? She’d say ‘First you have to have meat, cheese, tuna fish or egg.’” Apparently, protein buys you cookies later.
“No, I don’t remember and how specific is that? Geesh,” Marlene replied.
I told her I loved Mom’s stock answer for its nonsensical quality and if I ever wrote a book, that’s what I was going to call it. Meat, Cheese, Tuna Fish or Egg. It doesn’t make any sense without explanation and surely, anyone reading the title would be compelled to pick up my book and flip through its pages.
And then they would laugh themselves silly reading random portions of the gem in their hands, be in awe of all the rock star authors who gave it rave reviews and wonder why my creation was deep in the bowels of the bookstore, when it should be right at the front door all by itself on an easel, with a spotlight shining upon it and a velvet rope around it.
A dreamer I was.
What I want to know from those with mothers who say weird things…. let’s have it.
Tell us your favorite motherly sayings, admonishments, crazy rules or regulations that you remember to this day.
The less they made sense, the better.
Go!
Stumble it!
January 7th, 2012 at 4:41 pm
Wow! I don’t think I’ve ever posted the first comment on one of your posts in all the time I’ve known you.
Anyway, the only “silly” thing I can remember my mom saying was; “Wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one fills up first.” And she said that every time I started a sentence with, “I wish…” Probably because I was complaining about something.
Tarheel Rambler´s last blog post ..Moon Shot
January 7th, 2012 at 4:59 pm
Try as I may, I can’t think of one stock answer my mum ever gave. My dad used to, but only when he was behaving like a naughty little boy, just to shock us and make us laugh. One of his, when we started a sentence with ‘I thought’ was, “You know what ‘thought’ did, don’t you? He thought he sh*t himself, but he didn’t.” Then he would giggle. He knew that would make us laugh because he never used any bad language usually.
Babs (beetle)´s last blog post ..Nice and easy is the way I like things now
January 7th, 2012 at 5:20 pm
I got in trouble for letting someone else drive my dad’s car when my friend’s boyfriend drove me home when I’d had too much to drink. I got in trouble over the car, not over drinking too much, as if I should have driven myself home drunk.
Marcy´s last blog post ..Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies in Cages with Tigers
January 7th, 2012 at 5:48 pm
Whenever anyone took a bigger serving of food than they could eat, my mom would say “your eyes are bigger than your stomach”. I actually know a lot of people whose moms said that, and the weird thing is that each one thought that either a) their own mom was the only person who said it, or b) it was an obscure saying known only to people of their own ethnicity.
“No ball playing in the house” was a sensible rule, but my mom said it so often that it turned into a family joke by the time we’d all grown up.
Laura´s last blog post ..An Open Letter to the Nice Couple Who Didn’t Have Me Arrested When I Broke Into Their House
January 7th, 2012 at 5:55 pm
My Mommeh always says “Don’t just lick the topping off your food, eat it all up!”
Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog post ..I’m a Snowflake!
January 7th, 2012 at 5:57 pm
To encourage me to finish my master’s thesis, “Once a musician, always a bartender.”
I eventually earned a PhD.
January 7th, 2012 at 6:51 pm
“There is no such animal as a boy and a girl being ‘just friends’.” [wasn’t until much later that we realized how many of my h.s. guy friends were gay…]
January 7th, 2012 at 7:06 pm
I had an Italian mother who thought she was Jewish soooo – one of my favorites – “When I die you’ll come piss on my grave”
Grace´s last blog post ..More Random Cooking with Grace Just in Time for the Weekend
January 7th, 2012 at 8:11 pm
If I ever write a book it will be entitled “C is for Celery”. I can’t tell you why or it will ruin book sales. Utterly and completely.
The phrase that first comes to mind when I think of MotherDear is, “Because I said so, that’s why.”
Because she totally still says that… and I’m 57.
Barb and the DailyGs´s last blog post ..Catch-up time
January 7th, 2012 at 10:16 pm
“Don’t come running to me if you break a leg doing that!”
January 8th, 2012 at 1:06 am
Every motherly saying, admonishment, crazy rule or regulation that my mother ever gave made absolute sense when I became a mother. I distinctly remember the day, standing at the top of the stairs, when I hollered at the children and heard my mother’s voice coming from my mouth. I’m sure it scared them that I suddenly became deadly silent.
Moonshadow´s last blog post ..Fall Meeting – Golden Wheat Chapter AHSGR
January 8th, 2012 at 3:26 am
Daddy was the one with stock answers, not my mom. “It will put hair on your chest and/or turn your hair red” (he was a red head) with anything edible no one wanted to eat. Now I use those a lot, and have a few of my own.
My big one is about tattling: “Are you bleeding?” “No.” “Is anyone hurt?” “No.” “Is anyone in the road with cars coming?” “No.” “Then you’re fine, go play in the highway.”
My stock answer to vegetables is “I don’t like peas and have to eat them, and I am still in my 30s. You can suck it up and eat .”
Another one is wanting to send his food to starving Africans (which is something his step mom tells him). I reply “I am not feeding starving Africans, I am feeding starving Americans. Eat. Now.”
The boy is left handed and I wind up sounding like my daddy teaching him to work tools (and my dad and I are leftys). The big one I was always told by Daddy was “If you don’t use your right hand, it will fall off.”
SewDucky´s last blog post ..Sewing Has a Conspiracy Theory Now
January 8th, 2012 at 6:09 am
Tarheel Rambler — I think that means you should play the lottery or something. Your chances are really good because I haven’t written for like two weeks and look at your timing! I read your comment to Dave and he too heard that a lot. Good one!
Babs — Your dad was a riot! We’d be in a pile of laughter too if my dad ever said something like that. We were a non-curse house for sure.
Marcy — See, but a dad’s car is his prized possession. Mine had one too. The Caddy. I got into an accident with it once. I have erased all memory of what happened after that. Good on you for not driving drunk, though!
Laura — Mine said that too! I wish I’d listened to her about that one. I still take too much on my plate. Re: ball playing… ours was more like “Don’t play golf so close to the house.” A ball came whipping through the front window once when I was sitting close to it on the couch. My mother had an epic fit. Brothers. Ugh.
Daisy the Curly Cat — Your mommeh is right! You should eat up all the stinky goodness. My cats only lick the top, too. What’s up with that? We try to help things along by mushing up the foods with a fork, but I think they prefer “top layer juice” to anything else. You kitties are so silly!
Silagh — Those were some tough words! Good on you for plowing through and getting your PhD. Impressive!
Wendy — Har! That’s pretty good advice, except yeah, when it’s not true. Hee.
Grace — Can you imagine the conversations between Italian mothers and Jewish ones? Kids wouldn’t stand a chance!
Barb and the DailyGs — Aw, now I wanna know the basis of your book! I love bizarro book titles! “Because I said so” is classic. I remember reading a blog by that name. I think it was written by a mother with five small children. How many times a day do you think those kids heard that?
Melody — Ha! I love that one!
Moonshadow — I’m told it happens to every mom. It’s OK. They’ll do it too with their kids and you can all have a good laugh about it.
SewDucky — “Then you’re fine, go play on the highway.” Priceless. I love the ones like “or it will fall off.” That, and “if you keep making that face, it’ll stay like that.” So we’re either dropping limbs or walkin’ around with frozen faces. Love it!
January 8th, 2012 at 6:21 am
I can’t think of one thing. My mom always made sense, just like me. We were a serious bunch, oh, except when she would be silly and push her false teeth out and in.
Karen and Gerard´s last blog post ..6 Things We Learned in Week 1 of 2012 (eyes, cats, food, Kindle, sermons)
January 8th, 2012 at 8:49 am
You should write the book. I missed my opportunity with “Shit My Dad Says.” Who knew I could have banked on all the crazy crap that comes out of my father’s mouth?
J. Bear Savo´s last blog post ..Cursing Code
January 8th, 2012 at 11:27 am
“Louder doesnt make you right….even if you won the fight.” She would always chirp in post screaming match with my brother to make us both feel like fools. I suspect it is something from the hippi days..
January 8th, 2012 at 12:58 pm
whenever something surprised her “well butter my butt and call me a biscuit” — I truly never understood what that meant or why she said it and we would PRAY she would never say it OUT LOUD around our friends …
January 8th, 2012 at 1:40 pm
When my mom got mad at me or my brother, when we were little kids, she’d call us an ‘Apple Ass.’ To this day, I’ve never heard of another person who has used this phrase. And seriously, WTH does it even mean?
January 8th, 2012 at 3:39 pm
My mom uses the phrase “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise.” It’s used in response to things like, “Are we going to the movies tonight?” or “Are you going to the Christmas party at cousin Sharon’s?”
If you’re ever around her when it’s raining but the sun is still shining she says it’s because “the devil’s beating his wife.” This appears to be a uniquely east Texas phrase, and whenever I use it for the first time around new people, they give me funny looks. 🙂
Amy´s last blog post ..Review: The Pox Party
January 8th, 2012 at 7:14 pm
Tell us your favorite motherly sayings, admonishments, crazy rules or regulations that you remember to this day.
Hmmm……
“Because I said so.”
“I’m your mother, not you’re friend.”
And….
I am NOT allowed to borrow any of her shoes / clothes.
meleah rebeccah´s last blog post ..Broke Box Mountain
January 8th, 2012 at 9:40 pm
My mother would say: “Don’t call boys. Ever.” But my favorite is from my grandfather: “You have to suffer to be beautiful” How the heck did he know???
lin´s last blog post ..Yesterday……Swanarific
January 8th, 2012 at 11:11 pm
First of all, chocolate chip cookie dough is NOT an entrée, it’s a vegetable — everyone knows that.
Second, my mom, crazier than most, and to keep me from playing with frogs would say:
“Copperhead snakes can disguise themselves as frogs — don’t go near them.”
To this day, age 50 and physically quite fit, I scream like a little girl in a house full of bad guys and boogie men when I see frogs. True
January 9th, 2012 at 5:34 am
Karen — OK, love your mom for freaking you out with her teeth. That’s one awesome Mom!
J. Bear — Yeah, I feel like I know your dad now from your TV show. See? You did it backwards. You were supposed to write the book first, then get the show. Love your Dad, btw.
Daughterbonnie — Oh, I like that one! And it does sound like a hippie holdover. So, have you learned to make quieter arguments?
CC — I like this one. Yeah, she should have used it to embarrass the hell out of you. Mom’s aren’t supposed to talk about their butts in mixed company.
Bijioux — Apple Ass. Yeah, I’m gonna have to use that one now. I want to leave people seriously confused. That’ll do it.
Amy — Wow, I’ve never heard either of those. The first one has a nice ring to it. The second one makes no sense whatsoever and so you tell her that she has some ‘splaining to do. Love it!
Meleah Rebeccah — Ooooo! I bet the second one shut you down immediately. Good one, mom! And re: the clothes, I would kill to be able to wear my mom’s stuff because she’s easily 4 sizes smaller than me. *sigh*
lin — Sound advice from Mom, there. And Dad? Truer words have never been spoken. Maintenance at this age is a bitch.
Emergefit — Hee. I’m glad you understand the thing about ice cream. Really now. I wonder if parents understand how when they plant a little lie like that, it has the danger of sticking. Forever. Ribbit.
January 9th, 2012 at 8:40 am
My mother had a lot of sayings, but the one that sticks out most in my head is the one that made a lot of sense and it was supposed to to scare us. However, this one always made me laugh. If one we kids started trouble, Mom would point at us and say “You better stop it now or I’ll knock you into the middle of next week!”
Michael J. Kannengieser´s last blog post ..Have Phone, Will Shoot — Pictures
January 9th, 2012 at 9:59 am
Don’t scream unless you are hurt or in trouble … because if you are neither, you will be both!
January 9th, 2012 at 2:10 pm
Whenever we said we wanted something, usually something frivolous like cable (this was back in the 80s when cable was exotic), my mom would say, “People in hell want ice water.” I use that one frequently now with my children.
January 9th, 2012 at 2:31 pm
As a way of getting my brothers and I to behave, my old gran often used to say, ‘Nanny breaky fingers.’ 🙂
January 9th, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Years of therapy, and many decades of time, have thankfully erased anything my mother may have said. 😉
Marvin´s last blog post ..A conscious choice
January 9th, 2012 at 5:51 pm
Mike — I do love that one. It’s got a good threat behind it, but it just sounds so funny too. Good one, Mom!
Ginni — I love these! So threatening and so hilarious at the same time. Moms are awesome.
Heather — I have to remember that one. And I don’t doubt that you pull that out yourself from time to time. Shuts them up quick, eh?
JonGibbs — Dude! I don’t know if you’ve ever commented here before, but I remember you from a couple years ago. I think I found you through the LV Writer’s Group, right? Still haven’t had the courage to come to one of those meetings. Anyway, I adore your “Nanny breaky fingers.” Hysterical.
Marvin — And that’s a good thing. I’m glad you’re free of pain and anguish. Was it really?
January 9th, 2012 at 10:54 pm
OMG I love this and I would totally buy that book because of the title.
My mother so abided by the half hour rule about eating and swimming that she wouldn’t allow us to take a shower or bath unless the half hour had passed.
Jen´s last blog post ..It’s the End of the World As We Know It
January 10th, 2012 at 6:47 am
Before I really hate my mom to act as strictly like these, Commanding me to do this, that, this and that.. It’s makes me annoying. But now I’am a mother, I act also like these.:)
CarmelaJones´s last blog post ..1300 numbers
January 10th, 2012 at 10:48 am
My favourite to use on my often wounded kids: “Did you die?” Might explain why, when my 9 year old fell off his skateboard and broke his wrist, he came running into the house yelling “I’m going to die, I’m going to die”. Meh, he didn’t die.
January 10th, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Basically, there were only three things that could happen to us as kids, according to my mom:
Breaking our necks (as in “Get down from there or you’ll…”)
Catch pneumonia (“Put on a coat before you…”)
Or put an eye out (Stop throwing pencils around or you’ll…)
None of that ever happened, of course. We caught colds, broke arms, and scratched faces, sure, but that was about it.
Chris@Knucklehead!´s last blog post ..Woodchuckery
January 10th, 2012 at 1:59 pm
Kids pick on you because they’re jealous of you.
January 17th, 2012 at 12:21 pm
Among my mother’s classics:
“No roughhousing! This is not a gymnasium!”
“No good is new news!” (She said this once by accident and it caught on)
If you were bored you were advised to go clean your room and if you were hungry you could always have a glass of milk. These answers never varied.
And my favorite, always said laughing when we were being really silly, “What’s WRONG with you!!”
Impetua´s last blog post ..“Snow” Day
January 28th, 2012 at 8:34 am
Funny how that I am now a father I say a lot of the same things. And because I can really out scream anyone I get the point across. I don’t have a sweet tooth but when it comes to chocolate thats my downfall, so the kids can have that.
Andy´s last blog post ..Divorce Attorney Long Island
January 28th, 2012 at 3:44 pm
My mom said the same thing I say now to my kids: Seems I am talking to the walls…
Actually I catch myself these days acting a lot like my mom did…
Chris´s last blog post ..RED LOON T2 Kinderanhänger für 1- 2 Kinder
May 24th, 2012 at 4:11 am
My mom was never really strict with me and I turned out just fine.