Windy’s Not a Baby Anymore

Posted by Kathy on April 7th, 2009

windyThat’s right! Our little Windy turns one year old on Wednesday and I’m celebrating the day with cake and a party.

It’s not every day I order cakes for non-human entities. The poor guy at the bakery didn’t know what to make of it when I handed him a picture of Windy to put on it.

We spent a lot of time discussing what color and decorations I wanted on the cake. I thought violet and green would accent her tree quite nicely.

When we finalized the order, he said "And you want this written on it?" He held up the note I gave him at the start of my insane order.

Him: "Happy Birthday…. um….."

Me: "Windy."

Him: "Riiiight."

He told me it would cost a little extra to put her picture on it.

I said, "That’s OK. She’s worth it!"

I skipped away to do a little grocery shopping and I’m pretty sure he waited until I turned a corner, then called security and told them "Crazy lady in Aisle 9. Keep an eye on her."

I’m taking the cake to work so I don’t eat it all myself. If you work with me, swing by my office Wednesday for a piece in honor of Windy. It’ll be the craziest thing you do for a long, long while.

I mean it, too. I thought I was ordering a quarter sheet cake, but when I picked it up, I realized I ordered a half sheet. Seriously. SHOW UP FOR CAKE!

And try to excuse that the baker put Windy’s picture on upside down. Poor Windy. Stuck for a year and now hanging by her toes.

WindyCake

“Happy Birthday Windy, Sorry you’re still stuck!”

Let’s Play!

Posted by Kathy on March 23rd, 2009

CommentGameI’ll be away from the blog most of the week and won’t be able to check in very much. So I’m offering up a little game you can play without me. I stole it from Sandee at Comedy Plus, who stole it from someone else.

It’s very simple. I start the game off by listing two words or phrases, like waffles or pancakes, and you pick the one you like better. You can explain why if you like.

Then you leave two more words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. If someone derails the game, will someone please jump in and get it back on track? Thanks!

Ready? First comment: Facebook or Twitter?

Go!

Forget the Defendant, I’m the Insane One

Posted by Kathy on March 9th, 2009

gavel Listen up, folks. I have to report for jury duty tomorrow. I was hoping they wouldn’t even want my number, but I checked the court’s website and I’m in the range of like ten thousand people they want to show up.

I promise I will do my civic duty to the best of my ability should I get selected. But, seriously. Would you want me on your jury, knowing I have done the following?

1.   I’ve been taking pictures of a plastic bag in a tree for nearly a year.

2.   I ate a Beggin’ Strip dog treat.

3.   I once apologized to a plumber for a fart my cat left.

4.   I see things in my food.

5.   I find shredding paper one of life’s greatest joys.

6.   I left outdoor pumpkins to rot in a Christmas display.

7.   I interviewed a dog.

8.   I got lost two tenths of a mile from my house.

9.   I seat-belt my food in the car.

10. I marvel at my cats’ pee.

Really, now. Don’t you think I should get a pass for all that? All aboard the crazy train!

What’s That Tuesday

Posted by Kathy on March 3rd, 2009

whatsthat I hope this What’s That? challenge is so hard it makes you insane.

I hope you curse me, scream at your computer, get a migraine and vow never to play this game again. Sounds like fun, huh?

How to play:

1. The photo shows a small portion of a larger object.

2. First person to guess the object it’s part of wins either 500 Entrecard credits or a Junk Drawer magnet, your choice.

Go!

My Funk is Genetic

Posted by Kathy on February 27th, 2009

I drove to work yesterday funkin’ out to this song. I guarantee it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it is the basis for something I learned about my father and so you should really just roll with it.

My dad is an awesome dancer. An awesome polka dancer, and so is my mom. When they take to the floor, they’re stunning and mesmerizing and everyone wants to be like them. But they never will because they all suck at it and that’s why polka has a stigma. You’ve only seen it done badly.

The above song, Hot in Here by Nelly, played at a family birthday party some years ago and everyone under 40 stood up and rushed the dance floor.

And then my 80-year-old dad followed us. Oh no. No, no, no. He does polka. He doesn’t do hip-hop. He shouldn’t do hip-hop.

Ask me how scared I was.

But Dad put us all to shame. We watched in utter awe of his moves. He had the rhythm down perfectly, gyrating arms and legs appropriately – no embarrassing spasms of any kind – every move in time with the beat.

We were blown away by the sight of my Dad funking out and doing it right. And that’s when I realized what I thought was my God-given funkaliciousness wasn’t divine at all. Clearly it was my Dad who gave me the gift.

Oh, yeah. I got the funk in me. And so it was, on the way to work with this song blasting, I started feelin’ it. Small movements at first, but then it overcame me.

I would car funk dance for the next six miles.

How is car funk dancing done, you ask?

Crank the music and follow along.

Sway left and right, shoulders moving forward and back. Tilt head two beats on the left, one on the right, one on the left, then two beats on the right. Rinse and repeat.

Bob your head forward and back at a 45 degree angle. Go ahead. Try it now.

Jut the chin forward in time with the bass, like the Mick Jagger chicken dance, but without the flapping wings part.

You may alter your shoulder activity after a while, such that you are “shrugging” them in tandem while bobbing the head about.

You may or may not involve the arms and hands as part of your funk driving. There is the safety issue, but that’s what knees are for. Drive with them if you must.

Bring your hands forward, clench them in fists, arms raised as if you were boxing. Now continue to bob the head, left and right shoulders alternating forward and back.

How do you look now? Are you feelin’ it?

Remember, funk driving rules state that you ignore other drivers staring at you. You must car dance uninhibited. Live a little.

And thus concludes today’s lesson. Dad, thank you for giving me the funk. And Nelly, thank you for starting my day off right, even though an hour later it turned to crap.

Have a funky weekend, peeps!

Windy Has More Company!

Posted by Kathy on February 12th, 2009

Seriously. We’re gonna do this now?

We had wind gusts over 60mph today. Three more bags joined Windy and New Guy (look on the left for the brown bag that’s a bit hard to see).

I’m out of my mind at this point. I never thought we’d have more than Windy to look at. I cannot bear to watch five bags hanging onto branches for months to come.

As for the poll to name the new bag, I hope you won’t be too mad if forego the poll and pick a favorite right now. Ben Barden knocked it out of the park with "Gusty." I think a lot of you liked that name, too.

Thank you for all your fun suggestions. I especially liked that many of you were happy for Windy because she got a date for Valentine’s Day. Now she has a posse.

As for naming the others, let’s just call them "The Others," mmm-k?

How weird would it be if I called our Facilities Services department and asked them to get the four they can reach out of the trees, leaving only Windy behind? Do you dare me?

You Really Won’t Believe This

Posted by Kathy on February 11th, 2009

I’m still in shock. Another bag flew up into a tree at my building.

Windys Friend 003

All fresh and new and STUCK.

So which one of you put it there? I know you’re all trying to make me insane. You know this means war.

Windys_Friend

At least our Windy has a friend now. FOREVER.

I’m serious. If I find out one of you put it there, I’ll hunt you down and make you climb up and get it out. And I don’t care if you break all your bones when you fall out.

Windys Friend 006

You know what this means now? New bag needs a name. Drop your suggestion in the drawer and I’ll run a poll after I’ve picked a bunch that I like.

I wouldn’t have believed this if I didn’t see it with my own two eyes. Windy got a mate.

Recipe for a Blog Post

Posted by Kathy on January 24th, 2009

This is a recipe for my world famous Serviceable Post. It’s what you get when I only have tidbits that don’t make real posts. Consider it the casserole of blogging.

Combine all ingredients in a word processor on medium speed and let sit. Time to prepare: 30 minutes. Serves everyone.

Ingredients:

brawny_paper_towels1 observation: I have a new man in my life. His name is Brawny. I always thought Brawny paper towels were like Bounty’s little brother who always stood in its shadow. I was wrong. Thick and strong, these manly paper towels can stand up to any mess and then some. Brawny, I’m sorry I never gave you a chance until now. Forgive me?

1 question: Every morning when I get in my car to drive to work, I have to raise the rear-view mirror. When I leave work, I have to lower it. I’ve read our spines can elongate as much as an inch overnight while sleeping. I’m guessing this is why all the readjusting. Do you have to do this too, or am I the only one with a yo-yo spine?

paul_sorvino 1 celebrity sighting: A friend of mine got in line behind Paul Sorvino at the grocery store last night and got up the nerve to talk to him. She’s still kicking herself for saying she loved him in the TV comedy Still Standing. He’s thinking What? No Goodfellas?

A pinch of stupid: I bought a thin baguette at the store yesterday, still warm and crispy out of the oven. I carried it to the checkout register under my arm, it broke in half and the top part fell out of the bag and onto the floor in front of about twenty people.

A clerk was summoned to get me a new one and when he brought it over said with a wink "The crust is really crisp. Be careful." I guess my guns are stronger than I thought. Apparently you do not want to mess with me.

 gloves2 gloves: My husband’s had a cold for a week and is trying not to get his germ-ridden fingers on anything I touch. Thanks, dear. But isn’t it hard to type like that?

By the way, I’ve been downing Airborne tablets like I do whenever I’m around sick people. I know the FDA says it’s a crock of poo, but I haven’t had a cold in almost five years. Coinkydink? I think snot.

 

Windy’s 300th Day Stuck in the Tree

Posted by Kathy on January 16th, 2009

Today marks the 300th day that our bag Windy has been stuck in the tree outside my building at work. I’ll have you know I braved single-digit temperatures and an intense fear of heights to get this shot.

No one is surprised anymore to see me out on the roof. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

Enjoy!

The Lady on the Bench

Posted by Kathy on January 10th, 2009

Sculpture 

I’ve been sitting here, what? Three years, three winters, and someone finally realizes I might be cold? I shouldn’t complain. At least someone thought to give me the scarf. It’s soft and beautiful, but a blanket and butt-warmer are really what I need.

I also can’t turn my head, my legs are killing me and my sciatica is really acting up. Beyond the pain, I’m extremely bored looking at these few squares in the pavement. For three days in the fall, I stared at a wet leaf that just wouldn’t blow away. Drove me insane.

Last winter when a guy cleared snow, he almost ripped my foot off with the plow. Easy, dude. I live here!

My nose runs a lot in this weather and I know you can’t really see my purse, but there are Kleenex in there that I’ve been dying to get at. They’re so close, yet so far.

Two nice ladies walked by me today and took my picture. I wish they would have sat down and talked to me because, twenty feet away, this is my permanent company. He’s been asking me out for a year. Why am I a creep magnet?

model_student 

Hi! I’m a dork.

Blogger’s Note: Click here to see reader Richard Wall’s wonderful interactive panoramic view of this location.

I Made the Paper!

Posted by Kathy on December 26th, 2008

image

If anyone has Wii Fit, please share your experiences. And injuries, if any.

Bacon for Your Blog

Posted by Kathy on December 22nd, 2008

bacon In this season of giving I bestow upon you, my faithful readers, a gift like no other. And that gift, of course, is BACON.

I found a cool site that will baconize any web site simply by adding its URL to the end of it.

Here is the site: http://bacolicio.us/

If you’d like to see The Junk Drawer in all its bacon glory, click this: http://bacolicio.us/http://www.junkdrawerblog.com

Freaky and delicious! Walk back from your screen and it looks even more realistic.

You’re welcome.

Do You Hate Me?

Posted by Kathy on December 9th, 2008

Of the 70+ guesses made on the Sunday What’s That? post, only one was correct. A hearty congratulations goes to Becca of the Gray and Becca blog!

The object shown was part of a paper towel holder.

small large

The hint I gave you might have thrown you off track. I said it may or may not be Christmas-related. Do you hate me? I didn’t mean to confuse or trick anyone. (Yes I did.)

And now for something totally random!

I hate my own name today. There are five Kathys at work with whom I conduct business regularly. It’s a nightmare when several of us are involved in the same issue, as was the case today.

It’s pretty much a given that half the emails I read or send today will be from a Kathy or to a Kathy. In one exchange I talked to four Kathys in two minutes. I’m all Kathied out! Kathy Kathy Kathy! Doesn’t my name sound weird when you hear it over and over?

My phone just rang. It was from a Kathy. A Kathy who doesn’t work here. That’s it. I’m being stalked by Kathys.

A Sunday What’s That?

Posted by Kathy on December 7th, 2008

I’m posting this What’s That? item on a Sunday morning so that all you early risers can get in a guess before all the other sleepy heads. It’s your reward for getting up at an ungodly hour for a weekend day.

How this works:

1. The photo shows a small portion of a larger object.

2. First person to guess the object it’s a part of wins either 500 Entrecard credits or a Junk Drawer magnet, your choice.

Sunday_WhatsThat

What’s that? Hint: It may or may not be Christmas-related!

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Bacon

Posted by Kathy on November 29th, 2008

Two of my favorite things: Christmas and bacon. Does it get any better?

ReindeerSantaBacon

Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and BACON!

Note: The whole ensemble was crushed up, tossed in Thanksgiving stuffing, baked and enjoyed. Rudolph, we hardly knew ye!

An Extreme Home Makeover

Posted by Kathy on November 27th, 2008

A hamster I know is having a terrible time of things. His name is Seamus (pronounced SHAY-mus). See, he used to live in this house until yesterday.

 Party_Central

It was a rockin’ awesome house. A colorful, activity-filled pad that made him the envy of all his friends. Seamus used to have notorious parties there. The bass-thumping, booze-flowing kind, and a rave or two. The cops came once, but they couldn’t arrest anyone because they didn’t have handcuffs tiny enough.

Seamus’ owner decided that this cage was too hard to clean, and so I joined her on a trip to SuperPetz, where she picked out a new cage that was easier to maintain.

Seamus got an Extreme Home Makeover. And not the good kind. This is Seamus’ house now:

Piece of Crap

* Not Seamus

See how it’s a piece of crap? See how Seamus’ mother doesn’t love him anymore? Even though it’s been explained to him that the downturn in the economy is not the reason he was moved out of his condo and into slum housing, he’s having a hard time understanding.

Don’t worry, Seamus. I’m calling PETA in the morning.

—-

Humor-bloggers love their pets.

Melon Head or Not?

Posted by Kathy on November 19th, 2008

Little_Kathy

In a  previous post, I made mention of getting my head stuck in a wrought iron fence when I was a kid about the age you see me pictured here. All of my memories of it come from the memories of family members who repeatedly bring up the story at holiday and other gatherings. Always when there are enough people around to hear the story and laugh at me.

Yeah, well. I’m having serious doubts that this event ever took place. Why? Because my own mother can’t remember the details. And neither can my one of my sisters who’s a little older than me and likely was there when it supposedly happened.

I think this has all been made-up so that, as the last born child in our family, there will be always something to ridicule me about ’til the day I die. Stop picking on me already!

The story goes that I was playing around on this porch. I got the idea to shove my head through the fence (the fence at the top, not on the steps) and then couldn’t pull it back out.

It’s been said that the fire department had to come rescue me and that they had to cut out one of the rods to make enough room to release me. Indeed, one of the rods was missing for years. But something tells me that it fell out or was taken out for some other reason and that this whole story was concocted to validate my lifelong suspicion that I have a gigantic freak head.

So what is it, my dear siblings? Did I really get my head stuck in a fence, or has this been a 40 year joke at my expense? Was there some truth to it, but over the years it gathered steam? I call bullsh*t on the fire department showing up.

I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell the story again at Thanksgiving. I can withhold pie, you know.

p.s. If that picture doesn’t prove I’ve been a cranky pants my whole life, nothing does.

A Weekend What’s That and Comment #23

Posted by Kathy on November 15th, 2008

I knew when I started the What’s That? Wednesday series, I figured there’d be times when I’d forget to post one on Wednesday. As it’s turning out, not only do I not always have an item for a Wednesday, I feel like posting one on Saturday. I’m scattered like that.

So here goes, your weekend version of What’s That? Wednesday:

How it works:

1. The photo shows a small portion of a larger object.

2. First person to guess the object it’s a part of wins either 500 Entrecard credits or a Junk Drawer magnet, your choice.

thing

What’s That?

Today also brings us our first Comment Extravaganza winner, Bernie O’Hare! In my last post, I wrote that my husband would pick a random comment from each post leading up to my blog reaching its 10,000th comment. The winner receives a Junk Drawer magnet. Dave picked #23.

Bernie runs a very popular political blog called Lehigh Valley Ramblings. He stumbled onto my blog through the blog of newspaper columnist Bill White, who mentioned The Junk Drawer. When Bernie spotlighted my post about grade school memories almost a year ago today, it gave my readership a nice shot in the arm and I’ve never forgotten what that did for me.

I share this history with you because it illustrates how much sheer luck is involved in growing your blog. If Bill White hadn’t mentioned me, Bernie never would have found me and then a year later he wouldn’t have suggested me to our regional paper to be a member of Valley Blogosphere. I’m eternally grateful for the new exposure, both in print and online.

So if you’re a struggling blogger and you think no one’s reading you, don’t give up. Keep writing your best stuff and you never know when someone with influence will find you and give you a boost. It can come from anywhere, anytime. Be ready for it.

CONTEST CLOSED. We have a winner!

Honey, Think Smaller Next Time

Posted by Kathy on November 12th, 2008

Here is a flower arrangement that my husband sent me to work on our wedding anniversary last week.

It’s a lot like another one he sent me that had thin branches jutting out of it, one of which almost took out an eye when I got too close.

I do not know how or if I’ll get it in my car to bring it home.

When I’m working at my desk, its appendages seem to move in my peripheral vision and it scares me.

It’s near impossible to water because it’s jam-packed at the vase neck. And the cat’s in the way.

And while we’re on the cat, I swear its eyes follow me around my cube.

If I’m not mistaken, a flower arrangement is supposed to make me happy, not freak me out.

A little smaller next time, dear. And not so horror movie. I promise I’ll appreciate the gesture just as much.

flowers

I’m pretty sure it can strangle me when I’m not looking.

A Winner and Plastic Bag Update

Posted by Kathy on November 6th, 2008

I’m happy to announce the winner of this week’s What’s That? Wednesday contest. New reader, ethanator1088 of PWNED Video, was the first to guess correctly that it’s the strike plate of a stapler. Congratulations! As the prize winner, you have your choice of 500 Entrecard credits or a Junk Drawer magnet. I’ll contact you shortly.

Because Shieldmaiden96 of Dispatches from the Northern Outpost guessed further that it was the Swingline model 545, she can have a magnet, too. I’m equally scared and impressed that she knew that.

Now, I decided to close the contest a little early because of the flood of stapler guesses. So what you’re all saying is that these are too easy, right? I’ll have you know that the photos are reviewed by my husband and, this time, my sister and niece, who said "Oh, that’s too hard." Clearly not.

Since you guys are so smart, the next one will be impossible to guess. Do you hear me? IMPOSSIBLE!

Today’s post also includes an update on our Windy, stuck in the tree for 228 days now. I took this video out on the roof of my building.

If you watch carefully at the end, you can see that Windy was a little embarrassed by being a Walmart bag, knowing how much most of us hate them, and she covered up her name. It’s OK, Windy. We forgive you.

 
Whenever I take pictures of the bag, I have to walk through this large window to get to the roof. I’m not exactly thrilled to be doing this, with my fear of heights. And today I was even less thrilled because, walking back in, I cracked my skull on the top of the door frame. It hurt for an hour. What I won’t do for you guys.
 
door
The Boo-Boo Door
 
And, finally, I took this picture on the roof on the way to getting the lump on my head. Thought I’d share it with you because I liked it so much. Enjoy fall while it lasts!
 
red_leaf 

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Posted by Kathy on November 1st, 2008

To get away from Bob of Survivor. People kept confusing them for twins and the chicken was insulted.

bob

Dude, eat something. Anything. Grass, bugs, another contestant. Something.

What’s That? Wednesday Winner

Posted by Kathy on October 24th, 2008

I’m pleased to announce the winner of this week’s What’s That? Wednesday contest. Ron of the Vent blog was the first to guess correctly that it’s the tip of a battery-operated nose hair trimmer. Or, if you have particularly hairy ears, you can use it there, too.

Whats That

nose_trimmer

Congratulations Ron! I’ll contact you shortly. Since you are not an Entrecard user, it looks like you’re getting a Junk Drawer magnet.

Thanks for playing, everyone! Look for another What’s That? contest in two weeks.

Commence with the guessing about who in our household uses this thing for what kind of wayward hairs. Or not. Yeah, let’s not.

A Winner and What’s That? Wednesday

Posted by Kathy on October 22nd, 2008

I think I did a dumb thing. When I opened up the balloon-counting contest, I made the deadline for guessing an entire week from the post date. What I didn’t realize was that we’d see 86 comments in less than 40 hours. Wow. You guys love contests, don’t you?

It’s safe to say that’s enough guesses, so I’ve decided to close the contest and announce a winner right now. You’re going to be very annoyed because the “person” who guessed the exact amount of balloons was the 4th one to leave a comment. The next 82 of you never stood a chance.

daisy Congratulations Daisy the Curly Cat for correctly guessing that I blew up a gross of balloons. How much is a gross? A dozen dozen, or 144.

For those who didn’t see my responses in the comments, yes, I blew them up myself. It took about three hours, counting the times I had to sit down and suck enough oxygen to continue.

Daisy, as the prize winner, you have your choice of a box of 15 bacon bandages or 1,000 Entrecard credits. I’ll contact you shortly. I might even throw in a little cat toy because you’re such a smart kitty!

Now, if you’re disappointed you didn’t win the balloon contest, I have a What’s That? Wednesday challenge for you. I hope this one is so hard you all hate me and hate me good.

If you can guess the object pictured here, you’ll win a Junk Drawer magnet or 500 Entrecard credits, your choice.

Remember, this photo shows only a small portion of a larger object.

Go!

WhatsThat

What’s That?

CONTEST CLOSED: See who won!

That’ll Teach Her

Posted by Kathy on October 20th, 2008

A co-worker who reads my blog suggested there was something terribly wrong with me because I kept five old containers of Parmesan cheese in my refrigerator for so long.

Oh, yeah? Is that right?

A few days later she had a birthday. Heh-heh. Have fun tryin’ to get at your desk.

 Birthday

When she arrived this morning and the shock wore off, she asked me how she was going to get any work done.

"Hmmm. Don’t know. That’s your problem."

Balloons 017

Is there a lesson here, kids? Sure!

It’s best not to suggest I need therapy, at least not to my face, or you might find yourself the victim of something circus-y. Next time it might be the animals.

Anyone up for a contest?! The first person to submit a guess closest to the number of balloons pictured here wins a box of 15 bacon bandages or 1,000 Entrecard credits, your choice.

Helpful information (or not): There is a 17" box monitor buried under the balloons in the first shot.

Rules:

1. One guess per person.

2. You can’t ask me if it’s more or less than some number. In fact, I’ll get it over with now. It’s more than 1, but less than 500.

3. The closest guess can be under or over the actual amount.

4. Entries must be received by Monday, October 27, 6PM EST.

CONTEST IS CLOSED. It turns out the response was way over the top. Future contests will likely not be open for more than a few days, long enough to allow a reasonable amount of responses. Thanks for playing! Click here to find out who won.

What’s That? Wednesday and More

Posted by Kathy on October 8th, 2008

Today’s post is doing double duty.

what is it First, for those playing What’s That? Wednesday, you have another chance to win a Junk Drawer magnet if you can guess the object pictured here. Remember, this photo shows only a small portion of a larger object.

Congratulations to blogless Marlene for guessing that last week’s photo was stick deodorant. Ah! The smell of sweet success! Your prize is on the way.

                                        ****

Next up we have the first ever Junk Drawer interview with — drum roll, please — ME! I have a nasty habit of asking my readers questions about themselves, but I seldom answer the questions myself.

My pal Beamer of BMW Rules either decided enough was enough, or he’s really interested in digging deep within the recesses of my cob-webby brain.

Either way, I owe you guys some answers. Depending on how well it’s received, I may never agree to another one.

One side note: I disclosed my miserable high school SAT score in the second half of his two-part interview. A day later, I told him I had regrets about telling the world how lousy it was, and he graciously allowed me to pull it.

You might learn more about me in the interview, but you’ll never know my SAT score. It dies with me.

So head on over to Beamer’s place and check out Part I of The Junk Drawer interview!

UPDATE: And now you can read Part II of The Junk Drawer interview. Beamer posted it today. Maybe I should run another contest to see if anyone can guess my SAT score?

—–

Let’s say this post is doing triple duty. Smiley me at Humor-Blogs.com, will ya?

What’s That? Wednesday

Posted by Kathy on October 1st, 2008

Today marks the beginning of a new Junk Drawer series that I’m calling What’s That? Wednesday. It may turn out to be a supremely stupid idea, or it might be really cool and fun and awesome and everyone will steal it from me.

How it works:

I post a picture of part of an everyday object or product and you try to guess what it is.

First one to guess correctly receives something from the Junk Drawer Stuff gallery.

The caveats: I might forget sometimes if it’s Wednesday and not have anything to post. The pictures may be less than perfect and you’ll be annoyed at my crappy photo-taking skills. Or, I may tire of it at any time and discard it, just like all those bunnies I got rid of when they stopped being so cute. Just kidding. Really. I’M KIDDING!

If that’s OK with everybody, here goes!

what is it

OK, so what’s that?

There’s Always a First Time

Posted by Kathy on September 24th, 2008

questionsSomeone once asked me if I would post my typical daily routine. I won’t do that because it would bore you to tears, but I will tell you what I do first thing in the morning. The cats don’t get fed, I don’t make coffee and the newspaper has to wait.

The first thing I do when I get up is check my blog for comments because they make me laugh and set the tone for the rest of my day. At least until I run into my first cranky client at work.

Your comments give me a little glimpse into your world, but I want to learn a little more about my readers. So for the next couple days the blog is all about YOU.

You gotta dig deep because this is all about firsts. Ready?

1.   When was your first kiss?

2.   When did you first start buying holiday or birthday gifts for other people and stop thinking about what people would buy for you?

3.   When was the first time you thought of yourself not as a kid/teen, but as an adult?

4.   What do you remember about the first time you drove a car?

5.   Tell me about your first pet.

6.   What was your first job?

7.   Who was the first teacher to make a positive impact on your life?

8.   If you’ve lived in more than one house or apartment as an adult, tell me about your first one.

9.   What was it like the first time you got drunk (assuming you remember).

10. Did you marry your first love?

Answer all, some or just one that really got you thinkin’!

My Sister Can Rant, Too

Posted by Kathy on September 9th, 2008

The Junk Drawer celebrates its first-ever guest post. Actually, it’s a guest email I received last night from my sister, Ann of the Shampoo Bag.

I decided her rant had all the qualities I look for in a blog entry: customer service hell, a hatred for waiting in line, idiots and pizza. And so I give you …

Ann Buys a New Cell Phone 

cranky Gather round kittens, for I have a story for you…

What is with Verizon Wireless? Is this the worst environment in which to purchase a phone AND in which to interact with the buying public?!

First, step right up to the kiosk where there is no way of knowing who’s next. People are swarmed around the counters, all looking, standing, touching, but you have no way of knowing if a person is being helped or is waiting to be helped.

So, you belly up to the counter with rainbows and stars in your eyes hoping that a customer service rep will notice your pathetic-ness.

Next, you have someone’s attention and state your business. In my case, I wanted to purchase one cell phone and one Blackberry. I already knew which model I wanted so we launched right into the TRANSACTION. Fork over your license, birth certificate, cemetery plot deed, and a tube of blood.

During the data entry portion of the program, I begin looking for the bar stools and refreshments. Why must the customer be forced to stand for the entire transaction? I sent Regan for pizza and a soda while I waited for the rep to finish the sale.

In the middle of watching the reps SIT WHILE WORKING, I was informed that the only Blackberry in stock was pink. That was lovely, except I was buying it for Don.

So Jeanette mentions casually that the Circuit City Verizon kiosk in BETHLEHEM has a silver Blackberry that he may like instead. So, after having nourishment to continue making this purchase, we leave the mall and drive to another freakin’ store to pick up the other phone.

As you may know, the Verizon kiosk is located just inside the Circuit City store. I already see five people swarming the kiosk, where only one sales rep is visible.

Let the screaming begin.

At least this place has a sign in sheet. There is one couple deep in conversation with the only rep. He’s got one cell phone on his belt loop, and another in his hand. His wife keeps touching the model phones. OK, can you just pick the one you need. You can read all the features yourself, stop asking questions and buy one, dammit!

While I’m waiting, swear to God, a man is beside me WAITING IN LINE TO PAY HIS MONTHLY BILL!!!!!! He left his house, got in his car, drove to this store, signed a sheet, and waited in line to pay a freaking bill with cash. I’d hate to know what he does with the rest of his time.

So, after waiting 30 minutes, it’s my turn. Yes, my silver Blackberry is sitting on the counter waiting for me. The rep activates the number, answers my questions, and I am on my way home.  Only 2 hours and 30 minutes out of my life that I’ll never get back.

ann of the cell phone bag

Blogger’s note: And now we wait for all the Verizon people to show up, arguing that their system doesn’t need improvement.

I Swear I’m Not a Grammar Snob

Posted by Kathy on September 7th, 2008

What makes me weirder?

a) I watched The Bourne Ultimatum and freeze-framed this newspaper shot so I could read the fine print.

b) I noticed a mistake in grammar, called my husband into the room and excitedly showed him what I’d found.

For the record, he gave me the same blank stare as the time I made him get in my car without telling him why. After we drove around for five blocks, I stopped and showed him why I made him come with me.

My odometer turned over to 77,777 miles!

Well, I thought it was something.

Bourne_Ultimatum

So can you spot the error?

Plastic Bag Update

Posted by Kathy on September 5th, 2008

It’s been almost two months since my last plastic bag update. For those new to this blog, I’ve been monitoring the status of a plastic bag that got stuck in a tree outside my building at work. It’s been hanging on for 167 days.

Incidentally, a few people have asked me if it has a name. I’m partial to Windy, which was the name suggested by longtime reader, Alan Bamboo.

bag_longview

The bag hasn’t moved from its original spot, but take a closer look now. Notice the split down the right hand side through the "T" in Wal-mart?

We’re expecting hard rains this weekend, so maybe it’ll cause the split to continue and at least pull down the right handle from one of the two branches it’s stuck on.

bag_closeup 

Thank you, Rich T., for helping me move a gigantic piece of furniture away from the window to the roof so I could get outside for up-close pictures.

To the woman who saw me walking back into the building from the roof, don’t worry, I wasn’t going to jump. Although I might have if my work week had gotten any worse than it had. TGIF and all that.

Have a good weekend, everybody!

No, They Weren’t Edible

Posted by Kathy on August 31st, 2008

We’ve been battling ants all summer. It’s harder to fight them when you’re using an organic, non-toxic spray that won’t harm our cats. It requires constant vigilance.

My husband doesn’t realize that each year I get a little closer to heart attack age.

ant train 

ewww 

counter2 

Happy Birthday

Survey Says: I Love This Show!

Posted by Kathy on August 29th, 2008

Family Feud Some of you may remember my list of TV guilty pleasures. I shamelessly adore Family Feud. It’s the best way to clear my head after a hard day at work. The hysterical contestants, the bad answers, the giant answer board! What’s not to love?

I recently learned that my good friend JD and her husband, Dave actually know someone who was a contestant on the show AND WON! I immediately fired off a bunch of questions for him, which he so graciously answered for me.

If you’re a fan of game shows, I think you’ll enjoy this behind-the-scenes look inside Family Feud. Survey says LET’S PLAY 20 QUESTIONS!

1. How did you get selected for Family Feud?

My sister Joan (the second oldest of the five kids in our family) answered an ad in her local paper: “Family Feud is coming to Ventura to look for contestants” … Very typical of Joan, she rounded up her husband and three of her siblings and said “We’re doing this.” (At the time, 4 of the 5 kids lived in Southern California; our brother Dave was living in the Bay Area.)

2. Did you have to go in for interviews? If so, what kinds of things did they ask you?

In Ventura, we did an initial tryout. This was their first screening process. Essentially, they just wanted to see if we had a pulse and could formulate complete sentences. You’d be surprised—or maybe not—how many got weeded out at this stage. So we passed that test and were invited to Los Angeles to do the same kind of thing in a more formal setting for the producers.

3. How did you decide which family members would appear on the show?

Like I said, there’s five kids in the family; four were in Southern California at the time. So it was those four plus my sister Joan’s husband (since she was the one who organized the whole thing). This was back in 1991, so none of my nieces and nephews were old enough to be on (you had to be 12).

4. Did you have to “test” play the game to determine who would get picked?

We did a brief test in Ventura; again, just to see who could clap and jump up and down and be animated. Then in Los Angeles, we played a test game against another family. The producer acted as the host. That was fun. He loved us. (How can you not?) He all but told us at the tryout that we would definitely get called to play. This was October, 1991. We were expecting a call soon. November, December, January, February came and went. Nothing.

In the interim, I got laid off and took a job in Chicago (that’s where I met JD’s husband Dave). I moved in March. I had been there about two weeks and they called us to come in the next week. We couldn’t substitute players or we would have to start the tryout process all over again, so I flew back to be in the game show.

5. What do they tell you to do while playing? Must you clap hysterically, even at dumb answers? It seems to me this is a requirement and it’s one of the reasons I love this show.

Absolutely. They want personality. They want animation. No Neanderthals, please. Every answer is a “Good answer! Good answer!” and deserves to be clapped for. Family Feud is pretty much mindless, so you need to bring something to the table.

6. Are there breaks during taping? If so, what do they do with you/to you during that time?

Not really. What happened with us was that we went down on a Friday. They were taping six shows that day. They pretty much went in real time with about 15 to 20 minutes between shows. We just sat there and watched like the rest of the studio audience.

7. Did you have a strategy in deciding whether to pass or play after the head-to-head question at the start of each round?

A strategy? No, not really. It’s been a long time and I’m not sure we had the choice (that was from the Richard Dawson era in the 70s and 80s). I think which ever team won the face-off got to run with the question.

8. What happens if someone makes a big mistake during taping?

Like someone’s fly is open or they sneeze? There was nothing like that. No one ever had to say “Cut! Do it again!” while we were there. However, we actually lost our second game but they made a judging error and brought us back for the next show. You know, every now and then you’ll see that on Jeopardy or something but not on Family Feud. But it happened to us and they brought us back and we won two more shows.

9. How long does taping last?

Like I said, it was done in real time with 15/20-minute breaks in between. They did six shows the first day we were there, so it probably took 4 or 5 hours.

10. What’s it like to get “done up” in the makeup chair?

That’s funny. I have absolutely no recollection of being made up. I’m sure they did something just to hide the glare from our shiny faces but other than a little powder, I don’t think it was anything at all.

11.How did you pick your family’s “leader?”

This was Joan’s project. She’s definitely the personality of the family. She got the ball rolling. She drove the bus. She was at the head of the table.

12. What was your most memorable moment?

There are several. We were on for five shows and won about $13,000 total. The two fast money rounds we won were great, for obvious reasons. When we finally lost, they let us bring all the nieces and nephews and our parents up on stage during the closing credits. That was pretty cool for them to be on TV when they’re in grade school.

On the show, I had a couple good exchanges with the host (I answered “hemorrhoids” to “What do women complain about when they’re pregnant?” and the host gave a really good look on that; I answered “Nothing” to “What do women wear to bed?” and he said, “You’re not married are you?”)

I also remember a couple of things off stage. On the first day of taping, they did six shows. We didn’t get called until the last one. They kept coming over to the waiting area and saying “Ok, Smith family, you’re next.” “Jones family, you’re next.” And on and on. There were more families there than there were shows to be taped (just in case somebody flakes out). Anyway, we’re waiting and we’re getting a little nervous, edgy, anxious. Finally, before the last show, they said, “Shannon family, your next.” My sister Joan turned toward me and let out an absolute shrill of a scream. Just piercing. I looked at her like “What the f….?” … So we won that game and had to come back the next day for more taping.

As they prepped the families who we would play against that day, we sat out in the studio audience. At one point, Joan has to sneeze. And she’s starts “Ahhh.. Aahhh…” looking for a place to sneeze. Finally she just turns toward me and “AAAHHH CHOO!!!!” … It was the weirdest thing. Not like she didn’t cover her nose and mouth. It was just the way she was pausing and looking for a place to sneeze and decided I was as good a place as any. I know that has nothing to do with Family Feud, but I’ll always remember that and we still bring that up and laugh about it.

13. If you wanted to change anything about your performances, what would it be?

I just wish I wasn’t so nervous. Whenever we watch it (we had it on VHS originally and then one my nephews transferred it to a DVD) there are a couple of places I cringe because I just don’t like my delivery. It’s not so much getting questions wrong—some of those were pretty funny—it was more of how I sounded.

14. How much money did you win?

About $13,000 split among the five of us. We won three games and lost two.

15. How long did it take to receive it?

If I remember right we had to wait until after the show had aired, and then it was couple months after that.

16. How did you deal with nervousness?

It wasn’t too bad once we got going. I just had a real fear of drawing a blank. I’d rather give a bad/funny answer than none at all. But like I said, there was a couple of times I didn’t like the way I sounded when I gave an answer.

17. What is it like during the final round? Do you blank out when confronted with the fast questions?

My sister Kathy and my brother John did the bonus round. We chose them because they had previous game show experience (“Blockbusters” back in the early 80s).

18. Who is your all-time favorite host of the show?

Gotta be Richard Dawson, right? He set the standard. We were on with Ray Combs. He was funny; we really liked him. And then he committed suicide a few years after that. Which was really sad; he had about five or six kids.

19. Did you ever want to be on another game show, and if so, which one?

It was fun doing this one because there was five of us. We really had a fun time, as goofy as Family Feud is, it was a great family bonding experience. I like the big-cash/no-brain element of Deal or No Deal, but I don’t think I want to go up there and look like a bozo all by myself.

20. What was it like watching yourself on TV?

Totally weird. Like listening to your own voice on a tape recorder. “Do I look like that? Do I sound like that?” It’s just weird.

THANK YOU, ROB! I’m thrilled you agreed to answer my questions about the show. I can die happy now. Yes, that’s a little sad. But I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to be on a game show, and my favorite one, no less.

It’s possible none of my readers will have anything to say about this in the comments except “Kathy, you have to get out more.” But please check back. You just might have to answer more questions!

Anyone Need a Hug?

Posted by Kathy on August 26th, 2008

teddy_bear Yep. You landed on a humor blog, but I’m allowing myself to get serious for a minute.

I’m convinced the reason people lose there ever lovin’ minds at the end of the day is because they haven’t encountered one act of kindness since they woke up in the morning.

I know this because when I let a guy in front of me at a store checkout counter tonight, you would have thought I’d just handed him the million dollar suitcase from Deal or No Deal. And the buxom woman who goes with it.

The poor guy was shifting back and forth and sighing for what must have felt like an eternity for him. He thanked me three separate times for letting him slip through at another counter after he had to wait behind a woman making a complicated return. I thought he was going to hug me next and invite me to dinner. 

We tend to think that people who lose it are mentally-unbalanced. I don’t think that’s the primary reason. It’s because everyone is in a hurry, nobody thinks of other people and when you just have to run to the store for a bottle of medicine for your sick kid after a brutal day at work, you’re on your last nerve and no one gives you a tiny little break.

It doesn’t take a huge donation to charity to change the world. All it takes are simple acts of kindness. It costs you nothing and pays big.

Has anyone shown you a small kindness lately? Share your stories and uplift me. Oh, and virtual hugs all around!

Oh, Canada!

Posted by Kathy on August 20th, 2008

cntower I’m back home from my whirlwind trip to Toronto, where I met three of my good bloggy friends, Jeff, Jaffer, and JD, a trip that will now be referred to as “The Three J Tour.”

Our goal wasn’t so much to sight-see when we got there. The crappy picture to the left is the best one I took, which proves how little I worked at pointing and clicking. Could I have possibly shot a bigger structure out of alignment?

Didn’t really matter because, for me, this trip was all about meeting my friends.

I’m left with an intense feeling of gratitude for everyone who made it a success and gave me memories to last a lifetime.

And so instead of a lousy photo travelogue, I give you The Three J Tour “Thanks a Whole Lot” Award Ceremony:

Thank you, adventure-seeking sister Ann, for taking off work and driving 1,000 miles to get me there and back. Thank you for dealing with the stress of driving to an unfamiliar place and for not making me feel it was an imposition.

You’re a skilled and steady driver who knew exactly when the GPS lady had her head up her butt. You remained calm under pressure, even when the third street car driver in as many days honked his horn at you. “Have mercy! We’re from Pennsylvania!” For this and more, you get instant membership to the Sister Hall of Fame.

Thank you, easy-going niece Regan, for surviving two 8-hour car trips without complaint. I know in kid time, that’s an eternity. Thank you also for snagging that cab for us after we walked non-stop for six hours the first night. With my newly developed blister, you saved my pinky toe from further damage. You rock.

Thank you Jeff and your three delightful children, Brandon, Austin and Roseanna, for entertaining us while we walked approximately 23 miles exploring the city. Yes, I got a blister. Yes, my legs were lead the next morning. But I forgot all the pain because that night was a jam-packed, Amazing Race-like funfest I’ll never forget.

Additional kudos for not mocking me too much when it was clearly me who messed up the meeting time. You said in your blog last week, and I quote: “But the best part is, Kathy is sure to screw something up big time…” All I can say is you know me too well.

To Jeff’s wife, Charli, I’m sorry I sounded like such a goofus on the phone. I had just seconds earlier met your husband, had a dripping chicken wrap in my hands and a soda can wedged under my armpit. Forgive me?

Thank you Jaffer, for taking a bus 50 miles to meet us in the city. I don’t know anyone else who would do that for me. Hell, I wouldn’t do that for me. Thank you for our Sunday morning coffee klatch, entertaining me with your interesting life stories and being our personal tour guide. But what am I supposed to do now that you treated us to the world’s best gelato and I can’t find it around here?

Our relaxing and delicious lunch was one of the highlights of the trip. I’m so sorry you were the victim of that loose-stool pigeon who had you in his sights. I believe in my heart it was because you were sitting next to me, since wherever I go, trouble follows. Please accept my apologies.

Thank you JD and your husband Dave for letting us glom a day from your vacation to meet with us. I don’t think the hotel staff thought we were too weird for screaming and jumping up and down like fools right there in the lobby when we first met, do you? Thank you for agreeing not to walk 20 miles that day, because I’m quite sure some of my piddies would have fallen off otherwise.

Dinner that night was a blast and I felt warm and cozy, surrounded by friends and family, despite the torrential rain and lightning going on outside. You are exactly the fun and hilarious woman I knew you would be from your blog and our countless emails over this last year. I’m so thankful I had the chance to finally meet you (and your dear, charming husband!)

Thank you nice lady at the border crossing, who let us in the country even though you got suspicious when we said we were only there to meet people instead of truly vacationing. Thank you for not detaining us, even though you rightly questioned why Ann didn’t even know the full names of the people she drove there to meet. We know it sounded a little terrorist-y.

I suppose when you asked what we were bringing into the country, and we answered “Oh, just some whoopie cushions,” (gifts for JD) you realized we were only harmless idiots. Thanks for not probing any further.

Thank you Earth, for putting a small jutting ledge out beyond the railing on the U.S. side of the Niagara Falls, so that I could get close enough to take video. That ledge meant that if I did slip and fall, I would drop only five feet instead of hundreds, straight down to a skull-crushing, body-splattering death.

And one more thanks, while I’m at it, goes to my local newspaper for picking me up for a new feature they call Blogger Tuesdays, where they spotlight posts from “local bloggers of note.”  They published my John Deere gift bag story while I was still in Canada. You hear that? I’m a Blogger of Note! Drinks all around!

I’m off now to bask in the afterglow of my Three J Tour and to figure out how I can meet the rest of you guys. What do you say? Junk Drawer Blog-A-Palooza in 2009?

Leavin’ on a Jet Plane. Maybe.

Posted by Kathy on August 6th, 2008

Maybe my Canadian friends could help me?

 

UPDATE: It’s a Junk Drawer miracle! My sister, Ann of the Shampoo Bag, was able to take a couple days off work so she could join me on a DRIVE to Toronto! No trains, no planes!

And by “join me,” I mean she can do all the driving and I won’t have to help much because she has a GPS and even if it doesn’t work, we’ll have maps. I have lots of trouble with those, too, but thankfully, her daughter is coming with us, so I’m putting her on map duty. If she was old enough to drive, we’d let her do that too.

Thanks everyone for your advice and offers of help! We’re crazy excited for this trip! I’ll catch up with comments later tonight.

Happy Birthday, Junk Drawer!

Posted by Kathy on July 29th, 2008

One year ago today, the Junk Drawer opened for business. I’m very excited, as I never dreamed my blog would make it this far or that I would be blessed with the readership I have. Also, there’s going to be cake.

But this day isn’t about me — it’s all about you! And cake.

Thank you for your visits here. Thank you for leaving me the most hilarious comments in The Drawer. Thank you for making me feel that it’s OK to be a little bent. Well, a lot bent.

If you commented here, put me in your blogroll, Stumbled my posts, told your friends about me, subscribed to my feed or bought me cake, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

I’m deeply grateful to have met so many of you online and gotten to know you through your blogs and emails. I feel like The Junk Drawer belongs to all of us. We’re a community. Writing here and reading your responses has been some of the most fun I’ve had in my life, with or without cake. Toast yourselves and know that I wouldn’t keep doing this if not for you.

Please celebrate this milestone with me and give yourselves a pat on the back for being a part of The Junk Drawer’s success and remember that birthdays are a fun time to look back on the past year, examine our lives and ….. oh, shut up Kathy! Serve the CAKE already!

Junk_Drawer_cake

Pass me a fork!

  Everyone’s a year older at Humor-Blogs.com

Man on Mars?

Posted by Kathy on July 25th, 2008

Almost missed this one!  Cycling through a million digital pictures, I came across this one taken months ago. I think it makes a fine addition to the Food That Looks Like Stuff collection.

Do you see the face? Or do you think I’m seeing things again?

man on the moon

Wrap Your Brain Around It

For the record, this turkey wrap was heavenly, despite not having a scrap of bacon in it. I know. Hard to believe. It might have actually been healthy. Don’t worry, I won’t let that happen again.

Humor bloggers play with their food.

Meet Phil

Posted by Kathy on July 23rd, 2008

microphoneUPDATE: The fine folks at Odiogo emailed me this morning to report that they gave my blog a female voice! My older posts are still in Phil’s voice, and I’m not sure whether they’ll change over to “Phyllis” down the road.

Anyway, this post no longer makes sense because it was intended for Phil. You can listen to it anyway if you like. I talk about boobs.

Here is the content of the original post:

In order to make the most of this post, please scroll to the bottom and click on the Listen Now button next to Kathy’s name. I’ll wait.

Ready? OK. Let’s get started.

My name is Phil. I’m the voice of Odiogo, a cool, free, text-to-speech tool where you can voice-enable your blog!

Kathy invited me here because a few of her readers have weak eyesight and would benefit from this technology. In addition, you can download the audio files to your iPod and take Kathy on the road with you.

My name isn’t actually Phil, but it’s the name Kathy gave me because Phil is an every man name and she likes it. Also, it’s the name of the host of her favorite reality show, The Amazing Race, which, by the way, she was not accepted for. Bastards.

Anyway, Kathy told me I could say anything I want on this blog post, but only this one. After today, I have to say exactly what she wants me to say. For now, I can let my hair down.

So, get this. When I started out at Odiogo, I was under the impression that I would be hired along with a group of other fake voices. Both men and women.

But it turns out that Odiogo is willfully violating all the Equal Employment Opportunity and affirmative action laws on the books by hiring only men for the part, which is very stupid because like, Kathy’s a woman, and it would sound dumb if I said something she wrote, like, “I went for my mammogram today and my boob got stuck in the scanner.” See, I do not have boobs. Not even manly boobs. I’m very fit.

I was hoping Odiogo would hire at least one woman so I would have someone to go out with after work. I’m single. Is that hard to imagine? What? You don’t think I sound sexy? Oh, I’m very sexy. They just gave me a bad voice.

It’s the same kind of voice they use for those hellish automated telephone menus when you call a company to request service or complain about something. Do you know how you can avoid most of them? Press zero on the key pad and you go straight to a human. Little tip from me to you.

Anyway, back to my sexy voice. I’m all business while I’m at work, but you should hear me after I’ve had a few beers. I’m smooth. I’m awesome. The ladies love me.

In fact, they like it when I get up at the bar and do karaoke. Here’s a sample of the latest song that got all the women hot.

I’m a model. You know what I mean.
And I do my little turn on the catwalk.
Yeah. On the catwalk. On the catwalk. Yeah.
I do my little turn on the catwalk.
I’m too sexy for my car. Too sexy for my car.
Too sexy by far.
And I’m too sexy for my hat.
Too sexy for my hat. What do you think about that?

See? You can’t resist me. Please answer my call for help. Leave a comment below and let Kathy know how much you want me to have women to work with. Tell her that she has to contact Odiogo and inform them of their grave mistake and they need to hire a chick to read Kathy’s posts.

And not just any woman. She should be a built brunette and have legs that go on for miles. That’s how Kathy sees herself and frankly, that’s the kind of woman I want to hang out with in the recording studio.

Do a guy a favor, eh? Thanks, and now I’ll turn Kathy’s blog back over to her. You’ll always find the Listen Now button at the bottom of her posts so you lazy asses who don’t want to read, can still get a dose of The Junk Drawer.

Before you go, head on over to Humor Blogs dot com and click on the smiley button to show her the love.

Over and out.

She Speaks

Posted by Kathy on July 13th, 2008

Get a Voki now!

Day 111 and Counting

Posted by Kathy on July 11th, 2008

Greetings from Bag Land! Some of you have been wondering how our beloved plastic bag is doing stuck in the tree outside my building. Here you go!

tree 089

There has been little movement since it first landed there 111 days ago. I do check on it every day, despite having moved to a new office in my building. I’m only one floor away from my old office, so don’t worry, I can still see it whenever I’m curious.

About a month ago, I had two opportunities to try and get the bag out. Once when window washers were cleaning windows, using a vehicle that had an expandable ladder that might have reached the bag. Then later, some workmen were putting up outdoor tents for an event. The machine they used would have easily reached the top of this tree.

I declined to ask the men for assistance for three reasons: 1) I didn’t want to be known as the crazy lady who cares about a stupid bag, 2) They had more important work to do, and 3) A couple people whose opinions I sought said I should let the bag come out naturally, especially since there is a contest involved.

tree 082

New readers may want to catch up on the bag story. This is where it made its first appearance. Here’s the story about how the bag got there. And this post was an update that includes video.

Among those who entered my little contest, 14 of you are still in the running. However, many guessed dates this summer, so your chances of winning are growing slimmer and slimmer.

Let me ask everyone now: If I get another opportunity to get the bag out, should I take it?

Like this post? Toss me a vote for the funniest blog at Humor-Blogs.com!

Blogtations: My New Addiction

Posted by Kathy on July 7th, 2008

blogtations I’ve just discovered a most excellent site that made me react the same way I did when I discovered chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream:

Why didn’t someone think of this sooner?

The site, called Blogtations, is chock full of quotations taken from some really outstanding blogs. The site owner, a self-described quote addict, scours blogs looking for quotable material and posts a handful every Monday (and sometimes Friday). One of her fans called it “Like Bartlett’s, only bloggy.” She also takes recommendations, so go ahead and submit some of your favorite quotes from your favorite blogs. You might make someone’s day.

A word of warning: The site is addictive. The quotes are so high-quality, you’ll find yourself saying “Just one more.” And then you’ll keep reading. And miss meetings. And be late for dinner. The only problem with me having read everything in her archives is now I have to wait a week for new material. Crap!

What’s more is that I’ve been introduced to some fantastic blogs and felt a little annoyed that I hadn’t found them before. Where have all these great blogs been hiding?

Blogtations is the blogosphere’s best kept secret. But hopefully not for long! Head on over and check it out.

Never Say Never

Posted by Kathy on June 30th, 2008

yes It’s official. I’m going to hell.

You may notice a new graphic in my sidebar for the BlogHer network. On approach for The Junk Drawer’s first birthday, I’ve considered ways to earn some cash to offset the costs associated with blogging.

I was recently accepted by BlogHer, and with it comes an opportunity to make some money on the side.

Don’t think for a second that I didn’t stress over this decision, especially because I have said publicly I would never put ads on this blog. That’s right. Never put ads on this blog.

During the last few months, I’ve been having a conversation with two opposing people in my head: Conflicted Me, who hates to go back on her word, and Sensible Me, who would like to earn enough money from blogging to buy a pizza and a beer every now and then.

Here’s how things went in my head:

Conflicted Me: So you said you’d never put ads on the blog. You’re a big, stinking liar. What gives?

Sensible Me: Yeah, I said it. What I never wanted were ads that leapt off the page in the middle of posts and annoyed people.

Conflicted Me: But you did it anyway.

Sensible Me: Well, not exactly. The BlogHer folks give you ads to put up over on the side that don’t scream at you. The ads come from well-known companies that I can get behind. It was really Google AdSense ads I didn’t want on my blog. I worried I’d get ads for Preparation H for all the times I discuss my butt.

Conflicted Me: But you always thought your blog would be purer if you kept ads off it.

Sensible Me: I did, but then I considered how much time I put into writing stories that entertain others.

Conflicted Me: You think this is entertaining?

Sensible Me: Shut up.

Conflicted Me: You once said your day job pays the bills, but blogging makes you rich. Did you really mean rich, as in a millionaire?

Sensible Me: No, stupid. I meant that it gave me an outlet to write for the masses. To hopefully give others something to chuckle about for five minutes during the day. It’s my passion.

Conflicted Me: But that didn’t mean you had to get paid for it, did it?

Sensible Me: No, but it started sounding like a viable option when Dave put it to me this way: “If you got your book published, you’d expect to be paid, right? So why are you giving away book material, one page at a time, for free?”

Conflicted Me: You think this stuff is book quality?

Sensible Me: Listen, jerk. I never said this was book quality or that I could ever actually publish a book. But it seems to me if I’m putting as much effort into the blog as I’d put into a book, then maybe it’s not a half-bad idea to get a little spare change along the way.

Conflicted Me: I bother you, don’t I?

Sensible Me: Yes, you do. Now could you get out of my head and let me be?

Conflicted Me: Sure, but have you thought about how your readers will feel about ads on your blog? Aren’t you worried they’ll go find someone else to read?

Sensible Me: Yes, but I’m willing to take the risk that maybe, just maybe, they could see the ads as an indirect way to put some dough in my pocket, and they’ll still feel enriched by reading something I wrote.

Conflicted Me: You’re really full of yourself, aren’t you?

Sensible Me: I’ve had about enough of you.

Conflicted Me: OK, but don’t come crying to me when all your readers leave and all you’ll have to celebrate your blog’s birthday is a cake and party hats with no one to pass them out to.

Sensible Me: Bite me. And you’re not invited! So there!

Conflicted Me: Suit yourself. I’m leaving. But we still have to discuss that $1 jar of mayo you forgot to pay for at the store last week. That’ll keep us up at night and you know it.

Note: While I did say yes to ads on my blog, I do have a little template tweaking to do. I plan to have two sidebars on the right, instead of just one so that the ads and other things can run on the right, while my other graphics will appear as before on the left.

And don’t worry. My face will stay right where it is. I know that’s the real reason you all come here.

Draft Post #11

Posted by Kathy on June 29th, 2008

keyboard These are trying times. Kathy has no words. A whopping ten drafts in her queue and nothing worthy of posting.

I think if I don’t post something today, nothing will ever get posted again, the Junk Drawer will close shop and you guys will loiter outside wondering what the hell happened.

I have to get something on the page to kick start me out of this funk I’m in.

Come back in a couple days if this post bores you to tears. I’m about to tell you about my weekend:

1. I fell asleep on the couch at 5PM yesterday and awoke at 8PM thinking it was the next day already. I slept hard. I even had full, movie-length dreams. In one of them, I was standing in a reception line at a political function, holding hands with Henry Kissinger. Discuss.

2. I worked all day Saturday, brought a lunch, but ate it before 10AM. So the rest of the day I took from the other junk drawer in my life and gave myself a headache, a stomachache and left work on such a sugar high I don’t remember how I got home.

3. My husband cleaned the bathrooms, God bless him, but broke the toilet seat off one of the toilets. How is this possible? Broke an entire toilet seat off its hinges? Men, if you’re going to help clean the house, don’t do it in the manner you would, say, play football. Cleaning a toilet needn’t be a race nor a destructive act. It just needs to be wiped down — gently.

4. In the process of preparing to send DrowseyMonkey her prize magnet for having the fattest head, I got sidetracked researching whether I can mail it with U.S. postage or if I have to take it to the post office to get international postage put on it. I tried Googling for the answer to this simple question, but could not find a satisfactory one. I’m too embarrassed to ask Drowsey, so I’ll just head to the post office tomorrow where I’m sure a clerk there will tell me what a moron I am.

5. I didn’t have the energy to fix something that’s been bugging me for a month. Our wall clock is stuck at 4 o’clock. We don’t know why because the batteries are fine. The pendulum below the clock face continues to swing to and fro. I meant to check on why it’s malfunctioning, but now I’m getting really used to it being 4 o’clock all the time. Four happens to be my favorite number, so I’m keeping it.

6. Since I took such a long nap yesterday, I couldn’t get to sleep until midnight last night. But my body always, always gets up between 4AM-5AM, which means I’m running on fumes right now. I’m sorry. This is the kind of post you get on fumes.

Forgive me for having to post such lame material, but this was the prescription for funkitis and it had to be done. Pray I’m funkless tomorrow.

Night.

Kathy By the Numbers

Posted by Kathy on June 22nd, 2008

by the numbers Just when you thought you knew everything about me, I give you Kathy by the Numbers. Don’t worry, there’s no math involved and you won’t be quizzed at the end!

Position in birth order: 5

Number of years it took me to get my bachelor’s degree: 12

Courses I took in my last year: 12

Number of gray hairs that earned me: 2, 539

How many years I’ve been with my current employer: 23

Number of different jobs I’ve held in that time: 5

Cups of coffee I drink per day: 3

Number of times per week I forget a reheated cup in the microwave: 2

Years married: 15

Years together: 23

Number of houses or apartments I’ve lived in: 7

Greatest number of hot dogs I’ve eaten in one sitting: 6

Times I’ve ridden on a motorcycle: 1

Prayers I said while doing it: 47

Number of pets I had as a child: 1

Years my parents have been married: 62

Percent of married couples who make it this long in the U.S.: <5 

Miles I drive to work: 8

Months I’ve been blogging: 11

Letters in my maiden name: 12

Weeks it took to learn to write it as a kindergartner without a visual aid: 4

Number of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I’ve eaten: 0

Miles to nearest airport: 3

Number of planes that fly directly over my house per day: 75

Invention ideas I had that I never acted on: 2

Number of them I saw go to market without me: 1

Years I was a cheerleader: 2

Number of keys on my keychain: 9

Times I’ve won the lottery or a raffle: 4

Number of times a trip to Paris was the prize: 1

Magnets on my refrigerator: 11

Number of picture frames on display in my house with the picture that came with it still in the frame: 1

Height in inches: 64

Weight in pounds: Get serious

Books I’d finish per month before blogging: 2

Books I finish now: 0

Hours of sleep I get per night: 6.5

Naps I take on the weekend: 2

Number of times I got my head stuck in a fence: 1

Average number of times my family reminds me of this per year: 4

Number of times I’ve skied: 1

People I knocked down in the process: 2

Number of nieces I have: 2

Years they are apart in age: 25

Traffic tickets I’ve received: 3

Number I talked myself out of: 1

Times I’ve tried ending this list: 3

Shut up already!

The Mosaic Picture Meme

Posted by Kathy on June 14th, 2008

Mosaic Picture Meme 

I’m not a huge fan of the blog meme, but this one I liked. I stole it from my pal Ferd, who stole it from someone else. We’re all thieves, really. But in a good way.

The Mosaic Picture Meme

Originally from Bud who changed the rules slightly.

The Concept:

This Meme is all about the Mosaic Collage that you are about to build by answering the questions in this meme by using pictures! First what we changed: The meme we stole required the use of programs that you needed to register to use. So it was tied to you downloading two programs (and learning them…) Here we do the same meme, the exact same way, but leave you to your own resources. We also simplified the rules to allow a bit more creative (and speed!). So here we go:

1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Google Image Search or same type of search engine for pictures.

2. Using only the first page of results, pick one image. You can’t search forever for a certain image.

3. Copy and paste each in any program that you can post the pictures in a mosaic pattern. You can post them 3 X 4 or 4 X 3. We used Microsoft Paint below.

The questions:

1. What is your first name?… Kathy

2. What is your favorite food?… BLT. The more B, the better.

3. What high school did you go to?… Notre Dame, Green Pond, Bethlehem, PA. It’s where I encountered a new set of horrors after the ones I suffered in grade school.

4. What is your favorite color? … Maroon

5. Who is your celebrity crush?… Will Lyman, television and stage actor, and also the voice of PBS’ Frontline. I’m in love with his smooth, sultry voice. My husband is not allowed to talk when Will is speaking. He may use sign language in an emergency, say, if our house is burning down. But he may not talk to me.

6. What is your favorite drink?… Apple juice. I drink water almost exclusively, but when I splurge, it’s apple juice. What a flavor blast!

7. What is your dream vacation?… Without reservation, Paris, France. Our trip there in 2004 ruined us for any other vacation we’ve taken. Nothing else compares.

8. What is your favorite dessert?… Magic Cookie Bars. I make these for student assistants I hire to help on our team at work. One student ate a whole batch himself and asked if I put crack in them. Beware. They’re addictive.

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?… A writer.

10. What do you love most in life?… My husband, Dave. And, as you might guess, he’s a saint for putting up with me all these years.

11. What is one word that describes you?… Peculiar, but you knew that already.

12. What is your blog name?… The Junk Drawer

Mosaic Picture Meme 

So there you have it! I’m not inclined to thrust a meme on others, so feel free to tag yourself if you’re interested.

UPDATE: Because the images used in my mosaic were taken from Google Images, I should properly credit the sources. In order from left to right:

Kathy, BLT, Maroon, Junk Drawer, Notre Dame Green Pond, Will Lyman, Apple JuiceParis, Magic Cookie Bars, Writer, Peculiar, My Husband Dave

The Tiniest Woolly Mammoth

Posted by Kathy on May 31st, 2008

The Junk Drawer is branching out. Not only are readers submitting photos of Food That Looks Like Stuff, now we have Stuff That Looks Like Stuff!

One of my dear, faithful readers, Babs of Beetle’s Memories ‘n Ramblings sent me this fluff of wool that she removed from a pair of slipper socks. She says when she set it aside, this little cutie revealed itself.

creature

creature b-w

Click to enlarge

Now, here’s the question: What exactly does it look like to you? I see a moose. Babs sees “an elephant’s back half and a head with huge ears.  It might be carrying something on its back.”

I’m sorry, folks. Not only do you need to look for food that resembles something. You’re going to have to examine everything you come in contact with during the day. You didn’t have anything better to do with your time, did you?

Babs, thank you for your submission! I’ll send you a Junk Drawer magnet if you’d like one.

And check out Babs’ other blogs if you’re looking for some new, fun places to visit:

The Cream Team: “A place for people interested in the arts & entertainment.”

Beetle’s Photos: Some stunning and beautiful nature and animal photos.

Simplycats: “My Beautiful Cats – Past and Present.”

This is Not a Poo Picture

Posted by Kathy on May 27th, 2008

I’m paying reparations today for a picture I posted yesterday with a story about poo. I thought I’d try to erase that foul image in your heads with a pretty picture of a planter I assembled a few years ago.

pretty planter

When you care to plant the very best.

Oh, and this is what the same planter looks like this year after completely ignoring it and using it as a garbage can. Hey, I never said I had a green thumb. And you all know how lazy I am. Is it any surprise it looks like this?

dead planter

When you just don’t care anymore.

And just when I thought I might be OK with my laziness, I find this post by my friend Jeff from View From the Cloud. He wanted to replace a swinging bench out in his backyard.

So he built one just by looking at a picture of one he liked. I hang my big, fat lazy head in shame.

Why, Jeff? Why must you torment me?

Do You Know the Muffin Man?

Posted by Kathy on May 23rd, 2008

Today we have the first ever Food That Looks Like Stuff submission from my sister, Ann of the Shampoo Bag.

I give you, The Muffin Man.

Do you know the muffin man 

Do you know the muffin man?

These little blueberry guys are given out to post-surgical patients where Ann works. I’m guessing it’s so they get a quick energy boost after not having eaten prior to surgery.

This reminds me of the last time I tried and failed to donate blood. I have hard-to-find veins and, try as they might, the folks trying to get blood from me just couldn’t do it. I left the chair disappointed, and wanted to leave, but they require you to sit down in the refreshments area and have cookies and juice.

I shamefully ate my snacks, glancing around at those who actually bled for their food, thinking I had no business eating my allotment of Vienna fingers. It was the only time in my life I felt guilty shoveling fistfuls of cookies in my pie hole.

* Advanced apologies to anyone who clicks that photo caption and has the song in their heads the rest of the day.

Dearest Sister, Ann

Posted by Kathy on May 20th, 2008

open_wide Dearest sister Ann,

I know we share the same dentist, but I didn’t know you had an appointment with him yesterday. I also didn’t know you told him we auditioned for The Amazing Race.

Yeah, well, I had an appointment for a cleaning with him today.

Here’s how our conversation went, if you can call it that:

Dr. M.: So, I hear you hung out with your sister this weekend.

Me: (mouth pried open, jaw aching, sucky thing hanging out of my mouth) Uh?

Dr. M.: You’re trying out for The Amazing Race!

Me: Aaggh, yah.

Dr. M.: I think it’s great you’re doing this! Most people just say they’re going to try something wild like that.

Me: Mm-hmm.

Dr. M.: So how’s that work?

Me: Wewwl, oo fiwl ow aa abblicashun and mayg a vieeodabe.

Dr. M.: No, I mean, how do you run the race?

Me: Oh, wewwl, oo run fum sheckpoin do sheckpoin doing crachzie dasks ‘n puzzlesh tying do bead all da uddu teamsh bag do da sheckpoin.

Dr. M.: That’s nuts!

Me: Wewwl, we yike do shink we can do ut.

Dr. M.: That sounds like a friend of mine who’s training for a triathalon. You have to be kind of crazy for that, but I really admire her.

Me: Aag, shash grade!

Dr. M.: Do you think you have a chance to get on?

Me: Bobbabby nod.

Dr. M.: Well, I still think it’s awesome you’re trying.

Me: Shanks.

Dr. M.: You have a cavity. Spit. Rinse.

Thanks a lot, Ann, for giving Dr. M. something to talk to me about while I’m at my most incoherent. It was so much fun for me.

Sincerely,

Your mumbling, drooling, cavity-head sister.

We Came, We Saw, We Auditioned!

Posted by Kathy on May 18th, 2008

Amazing Race_lineI wrote on Monday that my sister Ann and I planned to audition for a spot on the reality show The Amazing Race.

With visions of stardom dancing in our heads, we drove to Lancaster, PA early Saturday to take our spot in line for the craziest thing we’ve done in our lives.

Finding the Place

Getting there was a breeze, thanks to Ann’s Garmin GPS, which gave us spot-on directions to the park where the audition was held. Problem was, there were no signs pointing us to the audition spot. We drove aimlessly for ten minutes, imagining if we were picked for the race, we’d be doing a lot of the same: driving around and around not finding anything.

Eventually, we spotted pairs of people walking toward a bandshell near the park’s entrance. We crash-landed the car, stuck our Amazing Race Pass in the window, and headed over to where a half dozen people had collected themselves.

You Slept Where?

Upon arrival, we chatted up other teams and marveled at how far some people traveled to get there. One team came from Rochester, NY and slept in their car in the park (!!!). Another sister team came in from their respective homes: one from California, the other from New York City. A brother/sister pair flew in from Florida and Georgia, respectively.

We thought our 1.5 hour trip was the shortest, until we met another team who rolled out of bed an hour before and drove five minutes to the park. The locals weren’t allowed to complain about anything.

Biding Our Time

The two-hour wait went fast because everybody in line was fun, friendly and excited to be there. What puzzled us was that only about 80 people showed up by start time. Ann and I expected 500 or more.

At one point, a dog belonging to one team ran up to me and started barking its blessed head off. I remembered what you guys advised me to do when this happens, and held out my arm and yelled “Stop!” Twice. Didn’t work. The dog kept barking until its owner came to retrieve it. Home, Lancaster, anywhere. Dogs apparently hate me.

An hour into the wait, a woman running the event instructed everyone who parked in the regular lot to move their cars to an area designated for a barbecue being held far away in another section of the park.

Everyone who had to move a car, including Ann, groaned as they grabbed their car keys. But as they returned from moving their cars, those of us still in line cheered them on back to imaginary checkpoint mats, just like we’d do on the race.

Ann came in third out of a dozen people. Way to go, Ann! Maybe we wouldn’t get eliminated after the first leg!

Assessing the Others

While waiting, you can’t help but size up the other teams to see where you stand against them. The brother/sister team, who I could see getting picked for the show, were in excellent shape, gregarious, and attractive. The camera would love them. Another sister team sounded like they’ve been everywhere and seen everything. One is a Rockette, and the other is a roadie for big musical acts. She flies to Norway next week to set up for a Rod Stewart concert. What am I doing next week? Maybe getting an eyebrow wax and haircut. My life runneth over with excitement.

Another team, each wearing matching pink tops and matching pants, were instantly assessed as the “Didn’t Read the Instructions Team” by all of us in line. More than one of us read a tip sheet on preparing for a reality show audition. Wearing matching outfits is tops on the “Don’t Do” list.

One team, dubbed “The Biker Chicks,” was a walking advertisement for Harley-Davidson. Others were seniors. Some were frat boys. And, of course, there was one plastic model-y team. But most were normal, everyday people just like us.

Let’s Go to the Video Tape!

When filming time arrived, we were ushered to a small tent where the camera and lights were set up. The “director” told everyone in line to be as animated Amazing Race taping as possible, tell why you want to be on the race and why you’d make a great team. You had two minutes to plead your case.

We had a plan, but when the camera’s on you, a whole lot of stuff flies right out of your head and you just hope for the best.

Since we were 4th place in line, we could watch only three other teams go before the camera. On one hand, we wanted to watch more people go ahead of us to see how they handled it. On the other, we were glad to get it behind us quickly.

We noticed the first teams were not very animated and stared straight at the camera. We thought “We can do this, and do it better than them!”

Suddenly, it was our turn. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!  We walked under the tent and were handed microphones and told “Hold these close enough to your mouth, but don’t swallow them, OK?” This made us laugh and loosened us up a bit.

I couldn’t remember everything we said if you held a gun to my head, but we basically told them how we were the “real people” the show was looking for, how we’re not twins, but we’re very twin-like. We practically read each other’s mind and “often (Me:) finish each (Ann:) other’s sentences.” And then we busted a gut laughing.

Ann said we’ve traveled together, gotten very lost, but always find our way to our destination. I said we were in this to entertain the home viewers, who could identify with us. I suppose we rambled on for another twenty seconds, laughing the whole time, and then handed back the microphones.

Even though we didn’t say everything we planned to, we were sure we were animated enough. We often talked to each other, instead of staring dead into the camera. That we engaged each other is perhaps one thing that set us apart from the few who came before us, and maybe a bunch after.

Stellar performance? Hardly. Fun to say we did it? You bet!

That’s Gotta Hurt

One sad note about the brother/sister team. We found out while waiting in line that they’d already made their audition tape at home. We weren’t sure why they showed up at all, since they could have just sent their applications and tape to CBS through the mail. We suspect they thought appearing at an open audition gave them an edge. It didn’t. Instead, I’m sure it gave them a massive headache.

I barely made out what the check-in people told them, but it was either they shouldn’t bother making a new tape, or they couldn’t make a tape if they planned to send in their other one. This meant that they each hopped a plane to the middle of Pennsylvania for no reason whatsoever. Ouch. We pitied them as they walked away, heads hanging low.

Someone Bring Champagne

So what happens now? We wait for the phone call to go to the next round in New York City. Don’t worry. We’re not delusional. Pretty sure it’s not going to happen. But if it does, watch out. It’ll be total pandemonium in The Junk Drawer!

Last one over to Humor-Blogs gets eliminated!