Lunatic in Aisle 9

Posted by Kathy on April 11th, 2014

shopping cartIt’s always something with me.

I went to Wegmans after work today for some grocery shopping. Grabbed one of those two-tiered shopping carts that are smaller than a regular cart, but bigger than a hand basket.

I got about 10 feet from the cart corral before realizing I had an unbelievably loud and annoying “crazy wheel” in the front. You know, the one that does whatever it wants, when it wants.

The bad seed.

Because I always think I can somehow jerk it back into a normal wheel position and make it behave, I kept using the cart – pushing harder, making zig zag turns, cursing at it – but nothing worked and now I was so far from the corral.

Too late to go back and get a normal cart. I’ll just deal with this. But how can I make this thing quieter? Honestly, I sounded like a car crash, screeching metal on metal, so loud everyone turned around to look and get out of my way.

I quickly decided that if the crazy wheel didn’t actually touch the floor, it couldn’t make any noise.

So I basically popped a wheelie with the cart and drove it down each aisle on its hind wheels.

No, this didn’t look goofy at all.

Toothpaste. Put the cart down. Pop a wheelie. Move along.

Tissues. Put the cart down. Pop a wheelie. Move along.

Coffee creamer. Put the cart down. Pop a wheelie. Move along.

No, not goofy at all.

My wheelie shopping was a success until I collected too many things that I couldn’t pop wheelies anymore.

So I went back to screeching and having a perpetual car accident all the way through the rest of the store, paid for my stuff and got the hell outta there.

My advice? Just take the damn thing back and get another one because you can’t win with a screwy wheel. Not even if you drive it on two good wheels and do all your shopping like it’s the first time you’ve ever seen a shopping cart and don’t know how to use it.

Local Woman Finds and Disposes of Mysterious Candy Found in Office

Posted by Kathy on March 26th, 2014

jelly candiesBETHLEHEM, PA – A local woman found a smashed doughnut-shaped sugared jelly candy on the floor of her office that she claims she never purchased.

Kathy Frederick, 48, of Bethlehem, PA discovered the candy while pushing her chair away from her desk and standing up.

“I was like OMG, that’s not my candy,” she said. “I never eat those. They stick in your teeth. Where did this come from?”

Frederick, a computing consultant at Lehigh University, said she often takes candy from her supervisor’s candy dish, but reported that sugared jelly is not among the selections.

“I have no idea why this is here,” she said. “And it’s thick, so it’s not like it could have stuck to the bottom of my shoe and come in from the outside.”

Frederick considered contacting the Campus Police because she thought surely someone had gained unauthorized access to her office when she wasn’t present.

She suspected briefly that someone must have enjoyed their candy in the comfort of her office, where this morning she rolled over it with her chair and flattened it.

“It’s really gross now,” she said.

After considering the presence of the candy from every conceivable angle, she ultimately picked it up and threw it into a nearby trash bin.

“This will probably bug me for at least an hour,” Frederick said. “Huh.”

Frederick later returned to her regular candy-eating routine, enjoying several Reese’s minis, York Peppermint Patties and caramel creams with her afternoon coffee.

Once Upon a Timepiece

Posted by Kathy on March 15th, 2014

abacusI attended a conference this week for writers in higher education. During one of the sessions, I sat next to a woman who intrigued me because she was wearing a device on her left wrist that looked foreign to me.

In my tech job at work, I thought I’d seen everything. Devices are getting so much smaller these days and they do so much that it’s like walking around with an entire computer in your pocket.

But this thing she had strapped to her wrist was something that really baffled me. This device looked like jewelry, but wasn’t quite a bracelet. It had symbols on it, but didn’t light up. I wondered if it was taking her pulse or counting her steps or something.

Curiosity got the better of me, so I just blurted out “What’s that thing on your wrist?”

“It’s a wristwatch.”

“A wristwatch? What’s that?”

“A wristwatch is something you wear on your wrist to tell time.”

“Tell time? You mean, it speaks to you? Like Siri?”

“No, you just look at it.”

Look at it? But I see it’s not digital. How can it possibly tell you the time? Does it beep and remind you of appointments?”

She drew it a little closer to me. “See, it has hands that move. The shorter hand points to the hour and the longer hand points to the minutes.”

“So it keeps moving throughout the day as the time changes?”


“But does it alert you to appointments?”

“No. You just have to glance at it when you think you’re getting close to an appointment time.”

“That must be hard.”

“No, not really. You just think about when you need to be somewhere and you check whether you’re close to it. Observe. I’m going to look at it right now and determine that I have to be at the next session in fifteen minutes.”

“Wow. That’s remarkable. No beeps. You mean you use your brain?”

“Yes, I use my brain.”

“Huh. Brain. I don’t see you have a place to plug it in. How do you charge it?”

“You don’t. You wind it. It’s mechanical. It’s powered by a spring mechanism.”

“A spring mechanism?! What is this madness?”

“You have to wind it periodically to make it keep accurate time. The spring tightens as you wind it and drives the watch as it unwinds.”

“So you’re saying that when it runs low, you don’t have to run all around looking for a place to plug it in?”

“Right. You just turn this little dial here a few times and you’re done.”

“Fascinating! So listen, did you get that last comment the speaker made that sounded really important? I didn’t type it on my laptop.”

“As a matter of fact, I did. I wrote it down.”

“Wrote it?”

“Yeah. I used this thing. It’s called a pen. “

“A pen? What’s that?”


Posted by Kathy on March 8th, 2014

Hey, folks. Remember me? Yes, I’m still blogging, but I’m just really having a hard time of it. I don’t brain very well these days, it seems.

Just wanted to post something so you knew I was still alive, unlike that poor woman who was found dead in her car for like five years and nobody noticed. That’s a hell of a thing.

I did actually write up a post a few days ago after I accidentally propositioned someone at the car wash, but I wasn’t happy with the final product, so you’re just going to have to use your imagination.

Anyway, to ease back into what I hope will be regular-ish blogging, I give you this picture I took last week while on my lunchtime walk.


Rat Face Snow Melt. (March 5, 2014) Water on sidewalk canvas, 4’ x 6’. That’s right. This is art, baby!

I asked my walking buddies if they’d keep a lookout for other interesting things I could photograph for the blog.

Specifically, I asked for snow skulls. There were lots of frozen blobs of winter remnants that looked like skulls to me, but not enough good ones to make the grade.

My walking partners probably don’t know if they want to be my walking partners anymore because can’t you just walk without looking for disembodied heads in the snow?

You must always look for disembodied heads in the snow! Because if we won’t, who will?

Hope y’all are having a super fantastic weekend and enjoying some balmy temperatures since this hellish winter appears to be over.

Until later……

Unsuccessful Post-It Note Translation

Posted by Kathy on February 20th, 2014

So this morning I packed all my breakfast and lunch containers in a plastic bag that I grabbed from our supply of bags out of the pantry.

When I took them all out at work, I found this Post-It note stuck to the inside of the bag. I thought maybe it was a note I made for myself that I forgot about.

It wasn’t. It was a shopping list that my husband made and left in the bag, from many months ago.

He knows it was old because, for the life of him, he can’t remember what sort of meat he bought that day.

I’m sure we enjoyed the thing of meat. Meat things are so delicious.

The jury is out on whether we had hot dogs.

some meat thing