religions of the world Tonight I had to run to the store to pick up a birthday card for my niece, Amy. I may be seeing her tomorrow and I didn’t want to come empty handed. Of course it’s last minute, because I haven’t learned to use a calendar yet and things like sending birthday cards on time are the stuff of nightmares for me.

So I’m in the card aisle and I spot a couple standing near the birth announcement section, talking to a store employee. Together they’re trying to find the right card for their needs. I admire the woman’s beautiful white sari, looking so dressed up for a trip to the store. And then there’s me in my stretchy pants. Lovely.

The employee walks away after a few seconds and then I hear it.

“Ma’am?”

Oh, no. They mean me.

I turn around, shaking off the fact that being 40-something makes you a bonafide ma’am, and smile. “Yes?”

“Can you help us find a card for a baptism?” The couple is having a hard time because no cards have the actual word baptism on them and they’re clearly not familiar with certain rites and ceremonies. The woman shows me one card that reads “On your Bat Mitzvah…”

She asks, “What’s a Bat Mitzvah?”

Oh, God. We’re going to have Religions of the World 101, right here in the store.

“Well, it’s for a boy, about the age of 13. It’s a rite of passage that people in the Jewish faith celebrate when a boy becomes …  a man, well, a young man … when a boy comes of age. Nevermind. It’s not a baptism card. You don’t want that.”

The woman thanks me and puts the card back.

The man leads me over to the birth announcement section to get a closer look. A quick review turns up nothing in the baptism department. Crap.

I see more Bat Mitzvah and Bar Mitzvah cards, and quickly realize I had told the woman the wrong thing about the Bat Mitzvah. I point at the Bat and the Bar and say “I was wrong. The Bat Mitzvah is for girls and the Bar Mitzvah is for boys.”

They thank me for explaining the difference and probably think “Thanks, lady. Still doesn’t help us.”

We all keep poking around and the man spots one that reads “For your christening…”

He says, “What’s a christening?’

I’m excited. “Yes, yes! That’s another name for a Christian baptism. You can use that one!”

He’s glad, but now we have a new problem. He needs two baptism cards and doesn’t want to give a duplicate card to the same family. I’m guessing they’re attending a baptism for twins. Would have to be, right? But then, do babies even know they get cards? Can’t he just write on one card, “For your beautiful babies on their christening…?” These are too many thoughts for me in a grocery store on a Saturday night, my head hurts now, and I still have to find the card I came for!

So now we’re looking for another christening card or some other suitable Christian card for the occasion. I was just about to suggest they get a generic flowery card that’s blank inside, so they can write their own “Way to go on your baptism!” message, when he finds one in a slot labeled “Religious.” It’s not a baptism card, per se. But it just might work.

We look it over and I read him the contents. It’s got all the goods:

New baby, check. Bundle of joy. Check. Wishing you all of God’s blessings. Jackpot!!!

“Yes, you can use this one. It has God in it. God is good.”

They thank me profusely and go on their merry way, too fast for me to ask them if they’d help me pick out the card I came for. Sorry, Amy. I had to go it alone and there were no cards that gave me so much as a chuckle. You’re getting a very plain one, but I’ll put a lot of money in it.

I don’t do birthday cards very well, but I’m totally awesome when it comes to baptisms. All you have to do is ask.

Stumble it!