The Worst Chore in the World
Stuff I hate March 12th, 2011
So we have a leak that found its way to our master bathroom and roofers are coming to check it out next week.
The worst thing about that is not that we may find we need a new roof.
No.
The worst thing is that strangers will see my bathroom and so I was forced to clean it, because we all know roofers care deeply about how many hair tumbleweeds are hugging the toilet.
After my mad, spastic cleaning frenzy, I discovered:
1. I would rather be locked in a room for 72 hours with a coke-jacked, no-sleep, machete-wielding Charlie Sheen than clean a toilet again. I hold a lot of respect for people who do this as their day job.
I want to give a medal to the person who had to clean the ladies room where I work when I saw a Tootsie Roll (not the kind you eat) resting on the back of a toilet seat. Some filthy woman either doesn’t know how to sit on a toilet or a key opening on her anatomy is in the completely wrong place. How do you get that on the seat???
2. All those months I collected not-quite-empty shampoo and conditioner bottles and threw them in a pile in the corner was a bad idea. They drained completely. Scrubbing a floor that’s already soapy just makes it soapier and takes hella long to finish. Also, I’m a slob or a bottle hoarder. There were four on the floor.
3. Scrubbing a tub hurts every cell in my body. I will not be able to do this when I’m 80. I’m just going to stop showering. People forgive 80-year-olds who don’t bathe, right? Wait. Would they forgive a 45-year-old, too?
4. I found something unidentifiable stuck to the shower wall. It was bright orange. I don’t use orange products in the shower. I may need to see a doctor.
5. The Dyson doesn’t like it when you suck up half a plush bath mat and then try to pull it out when it’s still turned on. I groaned. It groaned. Also, I dumb.
6. Curious cats who investigate when a bathroom’s getting cleaned, and get in the annoyed cleaner’s way, are wet when they leave. But they take a good lesson with them.
7. Shampooing the carpets in three rooms after cleaning a bathroom, when your body is already cracked in half, is completely moronic, unreasoned and possibly dangerous, but damn if the upstairs doesn’t look like The Ritz.
Let’s see Charlie Sheen do that. Who’s the winner now?
Stumble it!
March 12th, 2011 at 3:27 pm
My bathroom cleaning is usually interrupted by Seamus, who reacts to the smell of bleach the same way he reacts to catnip. Having a twenty-five pound cat rolling back and forth on your clean floor in the throes of Chlorox-driven ecstasy trying to grab and bite your ankles makes cleaning our tiny bathroom quite a challenge.
But that’s not why it doesn’t get cleaned often enough; that would be because I’m a lazy bish.
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March 12th, 2011 at 3:48 pm
Love it, I used to hoard bottles, the orange thing? I also have wondered about le tootsie roll, how in the ……..I had to clean the basement or @ least one end of it for telephone man…..I have no idea WHY I ever thought the flower pots with dead plants in them belonged down there….
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March 12th, 2011 at 3:50 pm
I went through a phase in my early 20’s where I pretty much moved to a new apartment every time my lease was up, because I kept finding a better, cheaper place. I think there may have been one time when I actually moved to a new apartment, just because I didn’t want to clean the toilet.
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March 12th, 2011 at 4:10 pm
We have a young woman who comes in every week to help us with the cleaning – she dusts everything including the wood blinds (a chore I hate), does the all the floors (vacuums, washes etc) and ta da! the bathroom. Of course I pre-clean the bathroom, I think there are some things a person shouldn’t be asked to do (like clean the accumulated hair out of the drain mesh strainer).
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March 12th, 2011 at 4:26 pm
OH! Also (I forgot to mention this in my earlier comment). I’m working on inventing a wheelchair that will vacuum while you roll around your house or apartment. Ideally, it’d have attachments that you could get that would do things like make chai tea lattes and stuff.
I’ll let you know when I’m done with that.
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March 12th, 2011 at 4:31 pm
Who’s the winner now!? love it:)
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March 12th, 2011 at 4:42 pm
I cleaned beach houses last summer between vacation rentals. So many of these people are just nasty. How do you get a property that gross in just a week?? They have to be TRYING to do that. Yuck.
I recommend getting the Scrubbing Bubbles Automatic Shower Cleaner. It works!! I love mine.
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March 12th, 2011 at 7:39 pm
It might have been easier to just replace the roof yourself.
I pay someone to come and clean my house every two weeks. That way, I get to combine two things that I enjoy: having a clean house, and not cleaning my house. It also provides an incentive to throw away my empty shampoo bottles — I don’t want my house cleaner to think I’m an empty bottle hoarder.
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March 12th, 2011 at 8:27 pm
I like doing laundry, but I don’t think there is anyone on earth who enjoys cleaning a bathroom. Even though there are only two people in my family, and I know the bathroom dirt is only mine or my fiance’s, it’s still gross. And of course since I don’t like doing it, I let it go too long between cleanings, which makes it harder to clean. It’s a vicious cycle.
Several people in the comments mention that they “pre-clean” before their housekeeper comes over. My mother used to do that, and it was always amusing to me. Now that I have my own place, I can understand the impulse. It’s embarrassing to have a dirty place.
If you want to make sure that you clean regularly, do what I do: when the apartment becomes unlivable, invite people over. Nothing invites obsessive cleaning quite like impending visitors! 😀
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March 12th, 2011 at 9:38 pm
You could always tell when the parents of my friend were coming by. It was a frenzy of cleaning, with her yelling at her husband that he was not vacuuming correctly. She would be dusting at warp speed and throwing things in baskets. I’d come over and watch the kids, making sure they tidied their rooms. Her parents never realized the chaos before they arrived.
The fridge repairman came here once and told me he never sees a dirty fridge. Everyone scrubs it clean before he arrives.
March 12th, 2011 at 10:24 pm
I have a leaky faucet in my bathtub, but my house is too much of a mess to call a plumber. I’d be way too humiliated to have someone come in and see the state of my house!
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March 12th, 2011 at 10:33 pm
Funny, today I was cleaning the bathroom. As I’m scrubbing the toilet, my 3 yr. old comes running in yelling “I gotta go, gotta go now!”. Guess who cleaned the toilet twice?
I’m curious, I got the impression you aren’t normally the one to clean your bathroom. Is that right? Does your hubby usually clean the bathroom? If so, how did you train him to do that?
March 13th, 2011 at 12:54 am
Now that it’s clean, I think you and Dave should use the bathrooms and showers at the Y.
🙂
March 13th, 2011 at 7:24 am
Shieldmaiden — Oh, wow. That’s weird. Bleach has such a strong odor, I would think cats would run for the hills. Obviously, I’m lazy too. I just don’t think that a room I’m in only 20 minutes a day has to be that clean, you know?
TC — The poop thing is unbelievable. Even if you don’t have to turn around to flush, wouldn’t she have seen it after standing up? Awesome on the dead plants in your basement. I think you can give me a run for my money in the junk pile-up department.
Thomas — I had tons of apartments too in my 20s! Four, to be exact. Yeah, you get used to not really cleaning when you figure you’re not staying long.
Grace — The older I get, the more I’m thinking about buying a cleaning service. There are certain things that are just really worth it. I spent hours cleaning yesterday, hours I’ll never get back, plus we just lost another last night. The shampooing of carpets really kills me and I should have never paired it with bathroom cleaning. Motrin to the rescue!
Thomas — Yes, and if you could get it to cook dinner and do my taxes, I’d pay a small fortune for it.
Ma — Yeah, Charlie’s got nothing on me. I’m superwoman and all without being jacked up on speed or whatever his drug of choice is. I’m sure he has many.
Surfie — Either trying to do it or they just don’t care because it’s not their house. I’ve been known to clean papers and things off the floor in our bathroom at work because I just don’t want the cleaning people to think what slobs the women are in our building (I know it’s students doing it. I work at a university. They don’t care about anything either).
Laura — I would pre-clean if I had a cleaner come here. But at least I wouldn’t have to do all the really hard stuff and if they came every 2 weeks, it wouldn’t have time to get as funky as it was yesterday!
Amy — I go too long between cleanings too, mainly because no one sees it but my husband and me. His problem with funk is toilets. He’ll do those, but he doesn’t much care if anything else is caked up with soap or whatever. Oh, yeah. Impending company turns me into a cleaning Tasmanian devil!
georgie — That’s so funny about the fridge guy. And now that you’ve mentioned it, I have more cleaning to do. The top shelf is particularly scary.
Boom Boom — I’d let it go too, but we lost shingles on the roof and now it seems like we have real trouble up there. Some of the paint has pealed off where the leak is coming down from the ceiling and even that bothers me. It takes a lot.
Nicky — Figures, right? Hubby does the second bathroom upstairs (where he showers), but I do the main larger one. He’s good, though. Guy does his own laundry and puts dishes away, so I’m satisfied. We pretty much split chores 50/50.
Ferd — Ha! My gym is only half a mile from here. People shower there all the time in the morning. Might have to start doing that myself!
March 13th, 2011 at 7:44 am
Even I have the good sense to bury my tootsie rolls!
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March 13th, 2011 at 9:14 am
Reading your post was like walking into my bathroom. I tend to not throw away old shampoo bottles. I had some unidentifiable pink line around the bottom of my shower and I don’t know what it is. I *hate* cleaning the bathroom. Would you come clean mine? 😉
March 13th, 2011 at 10:03 am
Sounds like you won’t have to do it again until you are 80
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March 13th, 2011 at 11:06 am
LOL I think we are in the same boat except your visitors will be leaving, I have a friend who is moving here and staying with me after he retired from the military lol I can only clean so much and after that, just call me slob :/ I have painted every single room in this place except my own and I’ll be damned if that happens anytime soon. My room looks like a disaster area and I’m okay with that. Lets me go through stuff I tossed in there I didn’t want to deal with when I tossed it in there to get it out of other rooms lol
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March 13th, 2011 at 11:52 am
I have four bathrooms and I do have a cleaning woman who comes every two weeks. (Still, I give them a once over before she gets here because I’m middle class like that.) Since my lady is like family, she tosses the empties for us. I generally use the bathroom on the lower level of the house to bathe because I like the tub the best. I have two big guard dogs who insist on laying on the rug next to the tub when I’m in there. They both want to make sure I’m safe while they shed all over the floor.
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March 13th, 2011 at 11:53 am
My mom goes through this every week. She has a huge three story house that she just can’t keep up with anymore, but, she can’t stand the thought of these people who are being paid to clean seeing a mess so she runs around the day before cleaning everything so it’s not messy when the cleaners come. Makes sense, right? My dad – he just sits back and laughs.
March 13th, 2011 at 12:12 pm
That pink stuff in your shower is Serratia marcescens, a really fun bacteria you get to play with in your microbiology lab.
I think a corollary to this post is the one about having someone clean out my closet when I die before anyone finds my body.
And yeah, who doesn’t clean before the cleaning lady????
March 13th, 2011 at 2:50 pm
Cleaning the tub is the worst–there’s just no good way to do it. A couple of months ago, a friend of mine was leaning with one hand on the (wet) wall of the tub, when her hand slipped. She fell full-force onto the side of the tub on her chest…and it cracked her sternum. That’s dangerous business.
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March 13th, 2011 at 3:33 pm
Daisy the Curly Cat — Maybe I’ll put a sign in the bathroom with your face on it. It’ll say “Daisy says: Always cover your Tootsie Rolls!” You so funny.
Devon — You have empty bottles too?! Oh, thank you for saying so. I really do feel like a slob. You would have to pay me in bacon to clean your bathroom. Just sayin’.
Pricilla — God willing.
blueyes — I cannot think of a worse predicament than having a military visitor stay long-term. Their standards are too high for me. Speaking of slobbish behavior, I barely use my dressers for clothes I currently wear. I live out of piles. You know, because it’s so hard to put it in drawers. I like your attitude!
Linda Medrano — I would kill for a cleaning lady. And guard dogs to protect me while I shower. Psycho and all. I have been known to freak out if I hear a noise when I’m home alone showering. I’ll stop the water, get out, ask if anyone’s there and hope no one answers.
sheila sultani — Ugh. A three story house? You know, I was happiest when I lived in a one-level ranch. I was way cleaner then. Somehow the second floor never seems to see a sponge. Oh, yes. Pre-cleaning makes perfect sense. Apparently, everyone here does it.
marathonmon — Oh, now why did you tell me that? I wanted to believe it was Play-doh or something. And the closet? I would be mortified if I died and someone had to go through all that. It’s more like a garage now than a closet. I need to put that on my spring cleaning list, and by that, I mean my throw-it-out list.
absepa — Yikes. I can totally see that. Yes, the worst part is trying to scrub the walls up high. It’s a terribly irregular way to stand and move. Great, now I have something else to worry about. Sorry about your friend. Sounds awfully painful!
March 13th, 2011 at 5:03 pm
There is nothing worse than a dirty bathroom and nothing better than a freshly cleaned one. Problem is, I HATE cleaning the bathrooms. Guess who’s job it is at my house? Ugh.
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March 13th, 2011 at 7:33 pm
Oh my gosh, cleaning the toilet is absolutely disgusting! I hate doing it! I even find that if there aren’t any visible issues, I still hate getting my face that close to the toilet. Ewwwwwww. So gross!
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March 14th, 2011 at 10:06 am
We take a lot of relaxing baths with scented candles.
If you use candles in your bathroom, DO NOT WASH THE WALLS! You’ll find that the white walls are really gray, and there is no returning them back to white without painting. I now have a lovely gray smudge streak swirl pattern on my bathroom walls. They looked better dirty.
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March 14th, 2011 at 11:43 am
Great, after reading the post and the comments, I am torn between not feeling so bad about my mess, and the urgent need to clean…Thanks!
March 14th, 2011 at 12:49 pm
Definitely can relate to most items on your list, except for the Tootsie Roll. Yuck! What was she thinking? A Dyson can’t tell the difference between a rug and a fur ball. Since I’m not really making any money, I’m doing the cleaning or rearranging the dirt. Now I know what rugs are for.
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March 14th, 2011 at 1:02 pm
The idea of Charlie Sheen scrubbing toilets makes me happy.
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March 14th, 2011 at 2:49 pm
Wow, you have a lovely bathroom. I never thought of you as a bamboo in the bathroom kind of gal, don’t know why.
I used to clean my bathroom weekly, it was part of my schedule. I don’t do that anymore because it seems like a waste of time and therefor only clean when I might have company (I don’t let my son use my bathroom).
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March 14th, 2011 at 2:49 pm
Thank you Daisy – I now know what a tootsie roll is!
We have a very small carpeted bathroom (UK = carpet). I always think that it’s far too much bother getting the vacuum cleaner out for such a small area, so I leave it until I see a dusting of talc in the corners.
Mo is a bottle collector, but I am a ‘get rid of it’ person, so between the two of us we don’t do too badly.
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March 14th, 2011 at 3:05 pm
Kathy, you should have called me over! I’m an EXPERT cleaner.
March 14th, 2011 at 4:41 pm
lin — I know! I hate to even start dirtying it up again. I hated to even throw a tissue in the trash can. I want it spotless!
Katie — No kidding. And I hate even touching the top of the bowl with paper towels. I scrub myself down right after I scrub it down. Blech!
Michelle — Oh, that’s interesting about the candles. I had no idea what would happen if you try to clean candle-caked walls. Man, there’s gotta be some special product to get that off. I’d probably try Ajax.
Linda — I know. It’s a curse. I say let it go if you are the only one who sees it. If you can tolerate it, tolerate it!
Lauren — Seriously. I still can’t get over it. After my shock horror was over, I left and then couldn’t stop thinking about it. Sorry to put that image in your head. I, too, rearrange dirt. I sometimes wonder how clean my carpets really are when I’m done. But at least I don’t have to look at cat puke anymore.
Marvin — And me as well. That should be his punishment for all his outrageousness. Instead, he’s probably making money hand over fist. Have you seen? He’s selling all his crazy sayings on T-shirts and stuff. And his 2 million Twitter followers are probably buying them.
Jen — Not my bathroom. I was too lazy to actually take a shot of my own. But trust me, you could eat off the floor. I used to clean my whole house weekly, too. Every damn Saturday. Then I started blogging and my standards dropped to “funky.”
Babs Beetle — Don’t you also have carpet in your kitchen? Does that bother you knowing there are crumbs mashed in there? You’d almost never find that in the U.S. Thank God you’re a “get rid of it” person. I’m usually not a saver, but the bottles, I just can’t care enough about them. But I will now, because cleaning up the spills was brutal.
Meleah Rebeccah — Are you feeling all right? I notice you didn’t say you actually liked cleaning. That would really worry me. Please say you don’t like doing it or we’re going to have to have a talk.
March 14th, 2011 at 5:59 pm
We are getting rid of the kitchen carpet. We are getting quotes for vinyl floor covering at the moment. Though the carpet is washable carpet, made especially for kitchens and dining rooms, it isn’t ideal for keeping the kitchen nice and fresh.
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March 15th, 2011 at 11:37 am
OMG! I am so glad to have found your blog. This post really hit home, especially since I broke down and cleaned my bathroom last week because my fiancée’s mom and sister were coming for a visit. I use to clean the bathrooms on a regular basis but as I’ve developed more interesting things to do, I’ve learned to live with funk, as long as it’s our funk.
Thanks for shakin’ my socks off today.
JoAnn ;}
March 17th, 2011 at 9:07 pm
I clean my bathroom before the cleaning lady comes in. It’s just so pathetic!
If I were a more consistent cleaner, I wouldn’t need to pay a cleaning lady!
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March 18th, 2011 at 2:05 pm
Okay Kathy, I don’t LIKE cleaning. I LOVE cleaning. Seriously. It’s a sickness, I know.
March 24th, 2011 at 7:59 am
Recently I spent several hours doing a really good cleaning of the bathroom. In order to do this, I had to exclude the kittens.
Naturally, this only piqued their curiosity about all the noise and cursing coming from the bathroom.
The next day, I went into the bathroom after work and discovered…
They had left me some toys in there, in key spots, so I would be bound to find them. I think they figured I might need something happy to play with, after all that noise and swearing. 🙂
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April 10th, 2011 at 4:43 am
I just found your blog on The Kindle Blog Report and decided to check it out. You are hilarious, I totally laughed out loud reading each of the points on this post! And I can totally relate on all of them too. My cat always gets in the way when I’m cleaning (or anytime I’m in the bathroom really) and I want to be nice (because she’s getting old) but after awhile I get irritated. Last week we had a friend drop by quickly during my kids bath time and they really wanted to see him before he left. So I didn’t drain the tub, I just took em out, dried em off and dressed em quick so they could say hi. And my cat usually likes to go in the tub after showers or baths to drink the little bit of water left over (gross I know, but what can I say, she’s a cat). I guess this time she didn’t realize I hadn’t drained it yet. We all came upstairs 10 minutes later and there was water everywhere all over the floor in the bathroom and in the hallway. And we couldn’t figure it out at first, until we went into the bedroom and there were little wet paw prints leading to under the bed. We all started howling and I wished I could have caught it on video, cause I would have loved to have seen that! And I’d put it up on YouTube and probably get tons of views. “Cat willingly jumps into full bath.” Anyways sorry to write you a book here. I just wanted to say I’ll definitely check back and read some more, you’ve caught my attention, thanks for the laugh : )
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